- 4/30/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 4 Episode 8 Boys At Ranch
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TVTranscript
00:00BELL RINGS
00:30Yes, no, maybe, I don't know, can you repeat the question?
00:46You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
00:58You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
01:10Life is unfair.
01:16Come on, let's go, what are you waiting for?
01:20Dad's taking us to Francis' dude ranch for the weekend, just the guys.
01:24I'm really going to miss my girlfriend, Nikki, but then again, it's two days without mom.
01:29I've been in the car since six.
01:31Come on, Dad, you'll see her Sunday.
01:37I had to get my coffee.
01:41Okay, gentlemen, ready to roll?
01:44Let's do it.
01:45Seatbelt, check.
01:52Map, check.
01:55Sunglasses, check.
01:59Lumbar pillow, check.
02:05Mirrors, check.
02:07Check.
02:08Does that sound like a loose valve casing to you?
02:15Dad!
02:15All right.
02:17The boys will soon learn.
02:18There's nothing wrong with being careful.
02:26Wow!
02:28Welcome to the Guaro.
02:30I'll be with you in one minute.
02:32No rush, we're just looking for Francis.
02:34Francis?
02:34You are Francis' family?
02:37Yes, we were just...
02:38Welcome, family of Francis.
02:52I am Otto, and this is Gretchen.
02:55We have dreamed for months of meeting you, and now finally you are here.
03:01You know, the beautiful Libri.
03:05Your son is a genius.
03:07He has completely turned his place around.
03:10Well, not physically, of course.
03:12We still face the Arroyo as before,
03:15but we could never have survived without his hard work,
03:20his intelligence, his leadership.
03:22Really?
03:24Now, you just have the one Francis.
03:26As long as you are here, everything is on the house.
03:30Now, would you like to review the staff?
03:35Oh, I...
03:36Yes, it would mean so much to them.
03:46Good.
03:47Aren't they wonderful?
04:00They are Hopi Indian kachina dolls.
04:03According to legend,
04:05he tracks down misbehaving children
04:08and choose up their bones
04:11so no one will ever find them again.
04:16Oh, mythology is so much fun, don't you think?
04:20Oh, no, no, no.
04:22They are far too valuable.
04:24You mustn't touch them.
04:27Can I trust you?
04:29I don't see why not.
04:30Uh, very nice.
04:38I like your boots.
04:39Give him your boots!
04:40Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't.
04:42You all look wonderful.
04:45Do you hear that?
04:46He likes us.
04:48Back to work!
04:49Hey, guys.
04:53I'm so sorry I came as fast as I could.
04:57I'm not going to get too close.
04:59I'm fighting a terrible cold.
05:01I'll probably be in bed all weekend.
05:04Mom didn't come.
05:05Well, we'll just have to enjoy ourselves without her.
05:09Come on.
05:10So where's Francis?
05:12Is he really the foreman?
05:13We haven't seen in months.
05:15We'll have to forgive the boys.
05:16They've always looked up to Francis like he's some kind of hero.
05:36How's it going, guys?
05:38My God, Francis!
05:40How the heck did you learn to ride a horse like that?
05:43Well, you've got to pick it up quick around here.
05:44We bring horses, bring cattle.
05:47It's about as close to the old west as you'll ever find.
05:51Where do I find the jazzercise class?
05:55Other side of the smoothie bar.
06:00Oh, that chicken was fantastic.
06:03I want you to learn to cook chili like that.
06:05I spend time in the kitchen, too.
06:07The secret to good chili is how long you soak the beans.
06:10So, to recap our little contest.
06:13Dewey wins for most tuneful.
06:17Francis for the loudest.
06:20I was the sneakiest.
06:22Malcolm, the most obnoxious.
06:25At least I wasn't disqualified.
06:27I gambled and lost.
06:29It happens.
06:30This is fun.
06:32Why do we do this every weekend?
06:33Boy, wouldn't that be nice.
06:35Oh, I almost forgot.
06:37Francis, I booked a trip for all of us to watch the sunrise tomorrow morning at Devil's Rock.
06:41I don't want to get up at sunrise just to go look at some stupid rock.
06:44It may be a stupid rock for most of the year, but for the rest of this week, the angle of the sun at dawn makes it look like there's fire coming out of the devil's eyes.
06:54Actually, I can't do it tomorrow, Dad.
06:56What do you mean you can't?
06:57You were the one who called me and told me about it.
06:59I know, but I have to lead a ride at 7 o'clock, and it takes me two hours to get the horses ready.
07:04Can we go on that ride?
07:06Yeah, can we?
07:06Sure.
07:07Yeah.
07:08Oh, God.
07:09Hey, what are you doing?
07:10I brought some stuff I wanted to burn.
07:12You're on cowboy time now.
07:14You've got to get to bed early and rest up if you want to come riding in the morning.
07:18Bed, but I'm not tired.
07:19Sorry about the Devil's Rock thing.
07:20Hey, don't worry about it.
07:22I'll go by myself.
07:23It'll be great.
07:27Here it comes.
07:30Wow, that's amazing, Dad.
07:33I'm so happy we could do this together, son.
07:44All right, we've got some loose gravel coming up, so let's keep your horses in line.
07:49How do you know if the one you're on is still alive?
07:52No one rides fast until you're familiar with the horses.
07:55Let's keep both hands on the reins and keep those helmets on tight.
07:59What's with Francis?
08:02I don't know.
08:03We were riding for an hour.
08:04I can still see the barn.
08:08Whoa, those are cool.
08:11What can we ride those?
08:13You're not going anywhere near those.
08:15What?
08:15Why not?
08:16Because I know you guys, and I don't want to have to take a day off work just to peel your
08:20carcasses out of a barbed wire fence.
08:22Why don't you guys just try and relax and enjoy the scenery?
08:26You seem to be the only riders having a problem.
08:29Is Joey the big cowboy?
08:32Yes, he is.
08:34Yes, he is.
08:43Why won't you guys play ping pong with me?
08:46The table's free, and I've got the equipment formed for Dad to sign.
08:50Because you're stupid.
08:51And we didn't come all the way out of here to be stuck playing with you.
08:55Wait just a minute.
08:57That is precisely why we came out here, so that we can all have a good time together.
09:02Now, your brother asked you to play with him, and that is exactly what you are going to do.
09:14Our dad signed the permission set for the ATVs.
09:18You don't look 16 to me.
09:20It's a glandular thing.
09:22He's very sensitive about how short he is.
09:25Oh.
09:27Perhaps you are a late bloomer.
09:30I had my baby teeth until I was 14.
09:34I'll get the keys.
09:35All-terrain.
09:37I wonder if that actually means all-terrain.
09:46I couldn't say it if it wasn't true.
09:53Weehee!
09:55Okay, so trees aren't terrain.
09:57Now we know.
09:58I specifically told you guys, stay away from those ATVs.
10:12What the hell were you thinking?
10:14They don't think, Francis.
10:15They never have.
10:16The only thing their heads are good for is to plug up their necks.
10:19I blame the oldest one.
10:22The others follow him like sheep.
10:24I thought I could trust you guys on your own for a few minutes, but obviously I was wrong.
10:30You are still the same stupid, reckless idiots you've always been.
10:34Francis, you don't have to yell at them like that.
10:36I'll yell at whoever I want.
10:38And even though I wish I hadn't said that, it's too late now.
10:42From now on, you boys stay away from the horses, the vehicles, the pool, and the other guests.
10:49That means you are confined to your room until further notice.
10:53You're sending us to our room?
10:54That's right.
10:55I don't believe it.
10:57You've turned into mom.
10:58Yeah?
10:59Well, sometimes mom's right.
11:01You take that back.
11:03Oh, my God.
11:05Oh, my God.
11:08Oh, you broke my doll.
11:13How could you be so thoughtless?
11:16You promised me you would leave it alone, but it was just a lie.
11:26All right, you boys, go to your room now.
11:32There, there.
11:33We will give him new legs, and then he will be all good again.
11:39Just like Cousin Heinrich.
11:43Well, you did the right thing, Francis.
11:45I just don't know when they're going to learn.
11:47Them?
11:48What about you?
11:49How could you sign a release form and not read what it's intended for?
11:53For God's sake, Dad, my job is hard enough as it is.
11:59Sometimes mom's right.
12:01Sometimes mom's right.
12:04Why did he just throw acid in our faces?
12:07You know, I'd actually prefer that.
12:08I can't believe he yelled at us right in front of that French guy.
12:12He can't get away with this.
12:14We're going to get him back.
12:16You're damn right we are.
12:18Are you with us, Dewey?
12:22Dewey?
12:22And I know I shouldn't have taken it, but it looked so cool.
12:27And then in the tree, I forgot it was in my pocket, and I fell.
12:33And it broke.
12:34I know, I know, sweetheart.
12:38And you know what?
12:39I should never have yelled at you.
12:41I feel terrible about that.
12:43You do?
12:44Oh, of course I do.
12:46So, we both feel bad about what we did, huh?
12:52You know what your Tante Gretchen does when she feels bad?
12:56She works.
12:58She works herself to the point where her body screams in pain,
13:03and her soul begs for mercy.
13:05Why?
13:06It's the best form of penance.
13:09So, when my fingers are raw and my back is wrecked with crippling pain,
13:15I feel all better.
13:18Well, that might work for you.
13:19Let's do it.
13:20Whoa!
13:21This will be wonderful.
13:23The two old men go for a ride.
13:25See the beauty of the desert, commune with nature.
13:28I just hate to take up too much of your time.
13:31Well, I already told the horses that we're going to make me look bad.
13:38Oh!
13:40What's the matter with this horse?
13:42Nothing.
13:43Buttercup is very sweet.
13:48Are you sure you are not still angry with the boys?
13:53Buttercup is very good at picking up unresolved feelings.
13:57No, I told you.
13:58I'm over it.
13:59I'm fine.
14:00Buttercup is never wrong.
14:02Once, Gretchen made me an omenet with mushrooms.
14:07I hate mushrooms.
14:09But I didn't say anything.
14:11I had two helpings.
14:12Well, Buttercup forced me to go back and confront her.
14:18We had the best sex we had had in years.
14:22Thank you, Buttercup!
14:23Maybe I should ride your horse.
14:27Good idea.
14:28The scout doesn't pick up on anything unless you're secretly gay.
14:38Thanks very much.
14:40Hey, fellas, what can I do for you?
14:42Um, we're looking for some sparklers and do you have any other things called pinwheels?
14:48Sure do.
14:49Sure do.
14:50Also got some ladyfingers.
14:53Okay, let's start with 18 genies, two dozen gel-ignited pomegranates, and a kiss of double dragons.
14:59We're out of the 99s.
15:00You want 44s at a half price?
15:0144s are worthless.
15:03Make it six packs of Red Dogs with time to lay fuses.
15:06Powder or aluminum phosphate?
15:08Who do you think you're dealing with?
15:10One last thing.
15:11We're planning an event for a friend.
15:14You got anything that will make it really special?
15:16Depends on how much you're willing to spend.
15:20Why don't you let my dad worry about that?
15:24Boys, I'd like to introduce you
15:29to the Komodo 3000.
15:36Oh, yeah.
15:38This will get him back.
15:42How are we doing?
15:44My fingers hurt.
15:46But that bad feeling in my stomach is getting better.
15:49This is good.
15:50It means you are getting in touch with your guilt.
15:55What's the matter?
15:56I just remembered when I was nine,
15:59my uncle gave me a fennig to put in the wishing well.
16:04But I threw a pebble in the well
16:07when I kept the fennig.
16:10I am pure evil.
16:13I want to put a garden slug in Reese's sandwich.
16:17And he ate it.
16:19Would you feel bad about this?
16:22Then scrub.
16:27Oh, look.
16:28Blood?
16:29We are halfway there.
16:32I can see why you love it out here, Rob.
16:35Yeah, yeah.
16:36This is where I come to think to unwind
16:38or when I am in the doghouse with Gretchen.
16:43Oh, I can be a naughty boy.
16:47I have a barstool in the garage with the same thing.
16:49Oh.
16:51Well,
16:51I suppose we should be heading back.
16:55Yeah, yeah.
16:55We could do that
16:56or we could get to know each other a little better.
17:02That's nuts.
17:03In my experience,
17:05many interesting things can be discovered
17:08with just the proper dosage.
17:13What's this?
17:17Oh, good choosing.
17:20Oh, Ryan, you shot that rock queen into two.
17:22Yeah.
17:23To hell.
17:24To all.
17:25Salute.
17:26Salute.
17:28Oh, have you ever seen so many stars in the sky?
17:33Oh, look up there.
17:34There's Orion.
17:35Huh?
17:36Right there.
17:36Those three stars are his belt.
17:40What?
17:41There?
17:43No, there.
17:46And there is his spear.
17:50Oh, great.
17:55Something scared off the horses.
17:57Oh.
17:58Oh, God, Otto.
18:16You're wounded.
18:17Finally.
18:18Oh, I hit something.
18:28Well, I just listened at the boy's door
18:30and not a peep.
18:32I hated coming down on him like that,
18:34but that's the only way they'll listen.
18:36Absolutely.
18:37I mean, I think I was hard, but fair.
18:39You couldn't have been more fair.
18:42Okay, and now you're smiling,
18:43which means in about two seconds,
18:45I'm going to look like a jackass.
18:47You can keep going if you want.
18:49Just tell me.
18:50The boys haven't been in the room for three hours.
18:53What?
18:53They want you to meet them at the South Gate.
18:56This should explain everything.
18:59I'm afraid it starts off a little antagonistic.
19:01Is that last word lick or wipe?
19:05I think you're safe either way.
19:10How far do you think we've gone?
19:14Well, judging by that rock formation over there,
19:18about 12 feet.
19:19Oh, if only Francis knew we were out here,
19:25he would save us.
19:27Oh, sure.
19:28Super Francis.
19:30He'd make a jet pack out of a cactus
19:33and fly us all home.
19:35Why are you so angry at Francis?
19:37I am not angry at Francis.
19:39Well, yes, you shouldn't be.
19:42He is smart.
19:43He is capable.
19:44He is hardworking.
19:46And I personally never met anyone more reliable.
19:51Yes, now.
19:53But I had him for 18 years.
19:55I had punished him and threatened him
19:59and cried over him
20:01and begged him and screamed at him.
20:05And his life was one train wreck after another.
20:09Two months with you,
20:12and now he's a model citizen.
20:16Is this what you're so upset about?
20:19Yes, I think it's pretty obvious.
20:22All he needed was his father to get just out of his face
20:27so that he could meet someone
20:30who knows how to turn his life around.
20:34Well, if I am such a genius,
20:37how come that I am drunk and lost in the desert
20:41with a bullet in my ass?
20:46Now, listen to me.
20:48Francis had all of his great qualities
20:53on the day that I made him.
20:57What?
20:58What do you think?
20:59He just picked them off off the road?
21:03Hello.
21:04I would like a big gulp
21:06and a candy bar
21:07and a new personality.
21:09No, Al.
21:10Listen to me.
21:11Your acorn
21:14does not fall very far
21:17from your tree.
21:20So I'm not such a failure as a father?
21:24Absolutely not.
21:27Now,
21:27if your crisis is over,
21:30my buttocks could use a vigorous scrubbing
21:33they are starting to go numb.
21:36That's it, Dewey.
21:38We can't miss a spot.
21:40Right corner.
21:44Got it.
21:45Yeah.
21:47I think that is it.
21:50Finally,
21:51we are finished.
21:54Wow.
21:56I feel wonderful.
21:57Yeah, it's beautiful, isn't it?
21:59This is the moment you work for.
22:03Your soul is set free.
22:06Your burden has been lifted.
22:08I kind of feel like I'm floating.
22:12Well, that's probably the ammonia.
22:15But,
22:16we have done well.
22:19A clean room
22:20leads to a clean conscience, yeah?
22:23I think I'm happier than I've ever been.
22:25Me too, Lieb.
22:30Here.
22:32I want to give you something.
22:36Promise you'll think of me when you use it.
22:40Thank you, Tante Gretchen.
22:44Donata.
22:44I don't know what you guys are trying to pull here,
22:48but you should know I am way ahead of you.
22:55What's that?
22:57Looks like a fuse.
22:59All right, what exactly are you planning?
23:01We're planning to get you back.
23:04We want our brother back,
23:06the way he used to be.
23:09We know how much you always like fire,
23:12explosions.
23:17Nice try.
23:18That was a long time ago.
23:20Really?
23:20So, where
23:28does this go?
23:30Well, I suppose you could find out
23:32by crawling over the fence
23:33and following the fuse.
23:35Or you could find out
23:37the Francis way.
23:40We're sure you'll make the right decision.
23:42Guys, I'm telling you,
23:44things are different now.
23:46I'm married.
23:46I have responsibilities.
23:48I'm just not a 16-year-old man.
23:50I'm not a maniac anymore,
23:51who...
23:53Huh.
23:55Interesting.
24:10Does everything look familiar, Otto?
24:13Just keep heading
24:15toward those mountains.
24:17Behind us
24:18is certain death.
24:20That's right.
24:27This way
24:28is certain death.
24:31I wonder
24:32what that is.
24:36I'll tell you
24:37what that is.
24:38That is
24:39Francis
24:39showing us
24:40the way home.
24:42I told you
24:42he'd get us out of this.
24:43Yes, of course.
24:48This may even top
24:49homecoming 98.
24:51I don't know.
24:52That float smolded
24:53for a week.
24:55How do we know
24:56which one's
24:57the Komodo 3000?
24:58let's hope
25:10that was it.
25:13Did it say
25:14when our vision
25:15would come back?
25:17Buck said
25:19two days.
25:22Totally worth it.
25:24Yes, thank you.
Recommended
25:36
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