- 4/23/2025
Murphy Brown Season 6 Episode 12 To Have And Have Not
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TVTranscript
00:00...to the end of the year.
00:01Did I say dismissed?
00:03I don't think so.
00:05Sit, sit, sit.
00:07Everybody get out your calendars.
00:09Network gave me a list of functions they want you to attend.
00:12Look, don't blame me.
00:14I'm just a messenger here.
00:15Jim, you're speaking at the Foreign Press Dinner on the 10th.
00:19Corky, fundraiser at the Museum of American History on the 12th.
00:24Frank, you'll be manning the phones at next week's PBS Pledge Drive.
00:30Murphy, a reminder, the League of Women Voters has named you Female Broadcaster of the Year.
00:34The luncheon's on the 29th.
00:35Wait a minute. Nobody told me there was going to be a luncheon.
00:38That means I'll be eating up on a dais in front of everybody.
00:41Sure, you got a better angle to flick lima beans than Katie Corrig's head,
00:44but on the other hand, you can't hit it on anybody else.
00:47Oh, what are you complaining about?
00:49Those museum things are the worst.
00:51There's no one there under 100, and it's so dark and noisy you can't even tell who you're talking to.
00:56Last year, I spent 10 minutes yelling into the ear of a kindly old man
01:00before I realized it was a wax figure of Ben Franklin.
01:04Well, you probably got a better response from waxy old Ben than I'll get from the foreign press.
01:09Last time I spoke to them, all my clever puns and a perfectly good Maurice Chevalier joke
01:14zoomed right over their foreign little heads.
01:17Well, at least you guys get food at yours.
01:20The only thing they have at those PBS pledge drives is the old coffee, carrot sticks,
01:25and whatever the frugal gourmet didn't throw out the day before.
01:29I don't believe you guys.
01:31You should hear yourselves.
01:33Oh, my life is so hard because I'm famous.
01:36Everyone wants to meet me.
01:38You know, most people go their entire lives without getting as much attention as you get
01:42when you pick up your dry cleaning.
01:44Well, sounds like someone hasn't quite gotten over losing the part of Curly
01:47in his high school production of Oklahoma.
01:53For your information, we did Fiddler on the Roof, and I killed his model of Taylor.
01:57And another thing, I have been asked to do something.
02:01DC Magazine would like to include me, Miles Silverberg,
02:05in their yearly feature, Smart, Successful, and Single.
02:09Oh, really?
02:11And I don't want to be teased, taunted, or told not to do it.
02:15I deserve this.
02:16I work hard, and what do I get?
02:18I'm cropped out of every photo of the FYI team.
02:21I get the cheapest network gifts.
02:23Last Christmas, you all got leather briefcases,
02:25and I got a major dad fanny pack.
02:27So do it!
02:28You can do it, absolutely.
02:29Go ahead, man.
02:30And every time I do get invited to something like this League of Women Voters thing,
02:35it's only because they need me to introduce you,
02:36and then I go back to my usual role of keeping the seats warm and watching the purses.
02:41Miles, why are you arguing with us?
02:42We're telling you to do it.
02:44Because I don't know if I should.
02:45Well, my whole career, my role has been behind the camera.
02:51I just don't know if I'm much of a in-the-spotlight guy.
02:54Oh, come on!
02:55It's a chance to be in a magazine with the headline,
02:57Smart, Successful, and Single.
02:59I'm guessing two minutes after you got the call,
03:01you were dancing around the living room in your socks and underwear.
03:04And besides, you deserve it!
03:06You are smart and successful.
03:08And now, thanks to Audrey, you're single!
03:12Mark, think about it.
03:16It's like introducing yourself to thousands of women all over Washington in one shot.
03:22They see a flattering picture, a sensitive quote, a salary range.
03:27You're halfway home.
03:29You haven't even had the spring for dinner.
03:33Jim?
03:35Jim?
03:35What do you think?
03:36Every minute I spend standing here is an extra ten minutes on the beltway.
03:40Come on!
03:41Miles, why are you even asking us?
03:43You make critical decisions around here every day.
03:46When are you going to stop being so cautious in your personal life?
03:49You're right.
03:49You're absolutely right.
03:51Okay, you've talked me into it.
03:52I'm doing it.
03:53Oh, wonderful.
03:54Good night, Miles.
03:55Well, I don't know why I made such a big deal about it anyway.
03:58It's just a local magazine.
03:59I'm mostly doing it because my relatives are going to get a big kick out of it.
04:02Good night.
04:02Good night.
04:03All right.
04:04Good night.
04:10Wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles.
04:13Miles, your ears are starting to turn pink.
04:32Are you holding your breath again?
04:34I was, wasn't I?
04:36God, there's so much to remember.
04:38Don't blink.
04:38Keep breathing.
04:39I don't know how Fabio does it.
04:40Yeah, well, he has a bigger chest.
04:44You know, more lung capacity.
04:47Since we stopped, I think we're really good on the serious look.
04:52What do you say we try a smile?
04:54A smile?
04:54Yeah.
04:55Sure, I can do that.
04:55Yeah.
05:04What do you think?
05:05Well, he's in focus, although in this case, I don't think that's necessarily a plus.
05:11What's wrong here?
05:13It's this table.
05:15I never sit at this table.
05:18I never sit.
05:20I move.
05:22I'm a moving guy.
05:24You can't capture the essence of Miles Silverberg unless you capture him in motion.
05:30You're like a cheater that way.
05:39One minute.
05:40One minute, I'm at the desk.
05:41The next minute, we're here.
05:42I go.
05:46I'm at the assignment point.
05:49Writing in a name.
05:51Changing my mind.
05:55Writing in another.
05:58That's the real me.
05:58And we love it.
06:00You do?
06:01Sure.
06:02That's what was missing, that cheater thing.
06:07Go on and shoot him.
06:08I'd love to.
06:09Oh, yeah.
06:11Oh, yeah.
06:11This feels good.
06:13This feels right.
06:15Sometimes, sometimes, I loosen my tie like this.
06:18What do you think?
06:19Unbelievable.
06:21Here's a good idea.
06:22Here's a good idea.
06:22You know, sometimes, sometimes, I'm walking.
06:28I cross the room.
06:30I'm walking.
06:31I'm walking.
06:32Someone calls my name.
06:33I turn.
06:33What?
06:34Let's get that.
06:36Do it again.
06:38I'm walking.
06:39I'm walking.
06:40I'm walking.
06:42I'm walking.
06:42What are you doing?
06:48I'm not sure, but I think he's starting a condo line.
06:51This is almost too painful to watch.
06:53Almost.
06:54Oh, no, Miles.
06:55Not the thumbs up sign.
06:56It's so 80s.
06:57Dear Lord, he just wet his lips.
06:59That's it.
07:00I have to stop him.
07:01No, no, no.
07:01Just a few more minutes.
07:03Miles.
07:04You've got some really great shots here.
07:06Why don't we just quit while we're ahead?
07:09Quit?
07:11With all due respect, Eric, you don't get to be featured in an article like Smart, Successful,
07:15and Single by quitting.
07:16So, let's just shoot one more roll.
07:18Only this time, I think we'll do it without the glasses.
07:25Who's there?
07:25Well, how about that?
07:31The octopus does qualify as a modelist.
07:33I guess you were right, Frank.
07:35Looks like we can go home now.
07:36Go ahead, Miles.
07:37Stop it.
07:37Just stop it.
07:38You were spying on me.
07:39Admit it.
07:40Spying?
07:41Spying?
07:42They made me do it.
07:43I had no choice if it was cartoon day.
07:46Miles, we're sorry.
07:48We were just curious.
07:49But if you feel uncomfortable, we'll leave.
07:52Absolutely.
07:52I didn't want to be here.
07:56Sorry for the delay, Eric.
07:57Just, uh, some of my hard-working anchors working harder than they should be.
08:01Sometimes I practically have to kick them out, like now.
08:03Get out.
08:05Miles, I just want you to know I think you're doing great.
08:09You have one of those faces the camera just loves.
08:14I want a 150-millimeter lens on that Hasselblad, switch to a diffusion filter,
08:18and for heaven's sakes, kick up the fill light if you ever want to get rid of those suitcases
08:23he's carrying under his eyes.
08:25Good luck.
08:29Now leave.
08:30Are we waiting for the room to clear?
08:32I think we should make sure we got everything in this interview.
08:34Hey.
08:34Let's see.
08:36Favorite foods?
08:37Egg beaters on an English muffin?
08:39Crisp but not burnt.
08:41Got it.
08:42Last book read?
08:43Tax planning for the 90s?
08:45Thoughts on being single?
08:48Will you go already?
08:49What if, Miles, you say you want a little attention, and then when we try to give it to you, you just push us away?
08:55That hurts.
08:55It really does.
08:57All right.
08:59You want to know what it says?
09:00I'm interested in finding a really special woman, a partner, a friend, an intellectual equal.
09:08I'm not just the guy looking for a sexual plaything to cater to my every women desire.
09:12There.
09:14What do you think?
09:15Is it too serious?
09:16I thought about putting in a joke, but I didn't want to come off as flip.
09:20And the intellectual equal thing, you know, I threw it in at the last minute.
09:23Could you tell me?
09:24No, not me.
09:24You've never seen Santa Claus.
09:26I liked it.
09:28Come on, guys.
09:29We're walking.
09:30We're walking.
09:31What?
09:33What?
09:33What?
09:34What?
09:35What?
09:35What?
09:37What?
09:37What?
09:37What?
09:40Well, Miles, today's the big day.
09:42Your first magazine spread.
09:44Now, make sure you have plenty of copies for your family and friends.
09:47You don't want to leave anyone out.
09:48Don't worry, Corky.
09:49I made a list.
09:50Very smart.
09:51Let me check it out.
09:52Okay, but it's just preliminary.
09:54I'm still working on it.
09:57So, you're sending one copy to your parents, one to your brother, my Nana Silverberg.
10:03Wait a minute.
10:03You've got Audrey down for 12 copies.
10:05One a month for the next year.
10:07Just a little reminder of what you could have had.
10:11And who's Mr. Batista?
10:13My high school gym teacher.
10:14Told me asthma inhalers were for wimps.
10:16Wait until he checks out my salary range.
10:18We'll see who's wheezing then.
10:21Wow, I didn't know you knew Claudia Schiffer.
10:23Well, I don't.
10:24Yet.
10:25But hey, if Lyle Lovett can get Julia Roberts, anything's possible.
10:30Everybody, field trip down to the lobby to see if DC Magazine is in yet.
10:36Bring your magic markers.
10:37There's ten bucks for whoever can draw the best facial hair on miles.
10:41Nice try, Frank.
10:44But no one gets to see that magazine before me.
10:47I already sent Tony down to the publisher to get a few copies hot off the presses, and
10:51I told him to take them straight up to my office.
10:53So you are just going to have to wait.
10:57Hey, everybody.
10:58Look who I ran into in the lobby.
11:00Get them while they're high.
11:01Tony, how could you?
11:04I'm sorry, Mr. Silverberg, but it wasn't worth dying for.
11:07Hey, hey, hey, watch it.
11:09Don't bend them like that.
11:11Garth, Garth, Garth, wipe your hands.
11:13You've got sugar donut on your fingers.
11:14There he is.
11:17Everyone, please turn to page 72 in your annals right across from the scratch and sniff Obsession
11:22ad.
11:23Oh, Miles, you not only look good, you smell good, too.
11:28You know, you cannot teach a wink like that.
11:30You're just born with it, huh?
11:32All right.
11:33Let's not make a fuss.
11:34Miles Silverberg, FYI's hot shot young executive producer.
11:38A world-class sprinter in the fast-paced field of broadcasting.
11:41He loves his work, but he's still looking for that special woman to complete his life.
11:47Says Silverberg, I'm just a guy looking for a sexual plaything to cater to my every whim
11:52and desire.
11:57Very funny, Jim.
11:58Now read it the right way.
12:00I did.
12:01I'm just a guy looking for a sexual plaything to cater to my...
12:03No, no.
12:04No, no, no.
12:05I'm not just a guy.
12:07I'm not just a guy.
12:08That's what I said.
12:09Not according to this.
12:11According to this, you're a pig.
12:14I swear there was a knot.
12:17They left out my knot.
12:19George Stephanopoulos' quote has four knots.
12:21Maybe he stole one of yours.
12:23This isn't funny.
12:25People are going to read this and think I'm looking for a sexual plaything to cater to my
12:28every whim and desire.
12:29So, what are you saying?
12:31That's not what you're looking for?
12:32Look now, Miles.
12:34Look on the bright side.
12:35You can barely see the bags on your eyes.
12:37Miles, it's a mistake.
12:40These things happen.
12:41And besides, it's a local magazine.
12:43How big can the circulation be?
12:46250,000.
12:47How many, huh?
12:48Come on.
12:49It's a typo.
12:51This magazine has a lot of explaining to do.
12:54I better see a big, big retraction.
12:57No.
12:58That's not good enough.
12:59They've got some phone calls to make.
13:01About 250,000 of them.
13:05I said not.
13:07I said not.
13:14I said not.
13:15I swear it.
13:16Hello.
13:21Hi.
13:21Please, continue eating.
13:25These miles later slip into a room.
13:28You find my pain amusing, do you, Frank?
13:30Well, you should get a real kick out of these angry faxes, obscene phone messages, and I think
13:35it's pretty safe to assume I no longer have a snowball's chance in hell with Claudia Shipper.
13:39I think it's pretty safe to assume you never really did.
13:47Now, Miles, you just have to hang on till the magazine prints a correction.
13:52Then you'll see this whole thing blow right over.
13:55It's two weeks away.
13:57I may not live that long.
13:58Last night, Betty Friedan chased me through two levels of the parking garage.
14:02Let me tell you, for a woman her age, she can move.
14:05She hadn't broken her heel going over that speed bump.
14:08I don't know what would have happened.
14:09I just ran into Bob Packwood in the men's room.
14:13He asked me to thank you.
14:14Apparently, his hate mail has dropped off considerably since your eyes came.
14:18He also suggested that if you had any diaries, you might want to burn them.
14:23Hey there, Miles.
14:26I'll be your waitress today.
14:28I thought that'd be easier, since the others are back there fighting over who gets to be
14:32your sexual wife.
14:35Oh, gee, Phil.
14:36A joke about the magazine.
14:38Very amusing and almost as fresh as your meatloaf.
14:41Oh, don't kids shake it off.
14:44So they left out your knot.
14:47After years of reading quotes like, I am not a crook.
14:51I will not raise taxes.
14:53I did not inhale.
14:55People in Washington see a knot that tend to throw it out anyway.
14:58Hi, guys.
15:05How's it going?
15:06Miles.
15:07Just so you don't think all women hate you, I spent about half the morning on the phone
15:10with the Post trying to convince them to run some sort of blurb explaining your situation.
15:15You're kidding!
15:16Oh, Murphy!
15:18This is great!
15:19Thank you!
15:20When is it gonna run?
15:21Well, actually, it won't.
15:23You see, while they found your story funny, they didn't think it was newsworthy.
15:27On the other hand, they say it's getting harder to find a guy who will actually admit he's
15:31a sexist pig.
15:31So if you're willing to stand behind your quote, they'll give you the cover of the Sunday
15:35magazine.
15:35In the meantime, I thought this might help.
15:41Oh, yeah, yeah.
15:43My life just keeps getting better and better.
15:46Oh, excuse me.
15:48Are you Miles Silverberg?
15:50You know, people make that mistake all the time.
15:52Actually, I'm George Stephanopoulos.
15:54Nice.
15:55Pig and a coward.
15:57Now, hold on a second.
15:59Before you say anything else, you should know the guy was misquoted.
16:02He's an innocent victim here, and he does not deserve to be treated like this.
16:06Oh, right.
16:07They're always misquoted.
16:09He's a pig, and anyone who defends him is a pig, too.
16:13Hey, hey, hey.
16:14Frank Fontana is not a pig.
16:18If you took the time to get to know me, and instead of just stereotyping me, you'd see
16:22that I'm a sensitive and enlightened guy who cares about women and the issues facing
16:28them.
16:28In fact, I'd be willing to talk over those issues, whip it over a drink sometime.
16:35I thought it was enough to pay.
16:38You disgust me.
16:42Maybe I am a pig.
16:46I am not, and I never have been.
16:49You can accuse me of being many things.
16:53Hyperchondriac?
16:54Yes.
16:54Workaholic?
16:55Sure.
16:56Borderline neurotic with occasional bouts of hypertension?
16:58Guilty as charged.
17:00But a pig?
17:01Never.
17:02This just is not fair.
17:04You're absolutely right, Miles.
17:05It's not.
17:06But it will pass.
17:07And you'll be a better person for it.
17:09Remember, that which does not kill me only makes me stronger.
17:13That's right, Miles.
17:16Mike, you just have to hang tough.
17:18By the time of that luncheon next week, this whole thing will be just a memory.
17:21What luncheon?
17:23The League of Women Voters Award.
17:24Remember, you're introducing me.
17:27Oh, oh, right.
17:30The League of Women Voters should be fun.
17:33I'm really looking forward to that.
17:35I'm a dead man.
17:40Lick at night.
17:45Miles, quick.
17:46Stevie Meyers got her back turned.
17:48Did you save any of your lima beans?
17:50Will you turn around and face the room?
17:52I'm facing the room.
17:54Your chair is facing the room.
17:55The rest of you looks like it's auditioning for Pretzel Boy and Circus Vargas.
17:59Now turn around.
18:01I can't.
18:03There's too many of them.
18:04This was a mistake.
18:05I should have started off slower.
18:08A walk through the cosmetics department at Neiman's.
18:10A brief stop at Papagallo's shoes.
18:13But no.
18:14I had to listen to you.
18:16Now look at me.
18:17Surrounded by 150 independent and politically militant women.
18:22Most of whom are holding cutlery.
18:24Oh, God.
18:26Custer had a better chance at Little Bighorn.
18:30Miles, they're just slowly sipping their decaf to lull you into a false sense of security.
18:35Any email, that one in a beige suit is going to let out a war whoop and a room full of crazed women is going to give you a second bris.
18:41Excuse me.
18:45What?
18:47If you're ready, we should probably get started.
18:51Oh, yes, sir.
18:52Of course.
18:53I will.
18:55Oh, nice, Brad.
19:00As if she could hide the loathing and contempt in her voice.
19:04The hatred, the rage.
19:07She practically called me an animal?
19:08All right, that's enough.
19:11Look, I know this has been hard, but you can't let it rule your life.
19:14Now, I want you to walk up to that podium and show these women what you're made of.
19:18That's exactly what I'm going to do.
19:20Just as soon as I finish this fabulous creme brulee.
19:23I've been honored for 20 years of political reporting.
19:32I'd like to get up there before it's 21.
19:34Now, move it.
19:35Uh, excuse me.
19:58Uh, hello.
20:00Excuse me.
20:05I'm Miles Soderberg, executive producer of FYI.
20:27I am very proud to have the opportunity to introduce Murphy Brown.
20:33As a reporter, Murphy has made a career of digging beneath the surface, looking for the real story.
20:42Never assuming that what a person is supposed to have done is something they actually did.
20:47Or wanted to do or would ever consider doing.
20:50Because I didn't.
20:51It was a tragic mistake.
20:52A mistake.
20:53Completely out of my control.
20:54And if I hurt anyone, I apologize to the bottom of my heart.
20:57Miles, somebody, from FYI.
21:02Oh, right.
21:03He's the guy who put on that phony Noah's Ark documentary.
21:06Oh, I'm not kidding.
21:08No, no, no, no.
21:09No, that wasn't me.
21:10No, wait.
21:11He's the one that rigged that gas tank so the truck would explode.
21:16No.
21:16No, no, no, no, no.
21:17That wasn't me.
21:18No, he did that story on toxic dumping that didn't use film from the actual site.
21:25Oh, stop playing with me.
21:31I'm Miles Silverberg.
21:34DC Magazine, you know.
21:37The guy who's just looking for a sexual play thing.
21:41To cater to what every woman desire.
21:46They dropped the knot.
21:48I was misquoted.
21:50I swear to God, they didn't drop my knot.
21:54I have a t-shirt.
21:57Where's Murphy?
22:07Going.
22:09Bye.
22:13Hi.
22:14Hi.
22:15I thought you'd be halfway to Mexico by now.
22:18I was in the men's room.
22:20There's a vent over the center stall that picks up the PA system pretty clearly, so I was able
22:25to hear most of your speech.
22:27I would have caught it all except the little man who hands out the towels called security
22:31and I had to leave.
22:33Until then, I thought it was going very well.
22:35Oh.
22:36Well, there's something like a great introduction to get you off to a flying start.
22:39Murphy, I didn't plan on getting up there and saying all those things.
22:45It's just that when I looked out, I suddenly felt all these eyes looking right at me.
22:51So you were standing at a podium in front of a room full of people and you felt everyone
22:56looking at you.
22:58Hello, Mr. Ripley?
22:59I feel like such an idiot.
23:04I mean, they didn't even know who I was.
23:06Last week, I was the talk of the town.
23:08Today, I was swept into the dustbin of history along with Pet Rocks and Joey Heatherton.
23:14So the whole thing blew over.
23:16Isn't that what you wanted?
23:17Well, yes.
23:19I mean, no.
23:19I mean, I wanted a little attention, but I wanted some nice attention.
23:25This was a nightmare.
23:27Welcome to the wonderful world of celebrity, Miles.
23:30Look, I've been doing this a long time.
23:33And one thing I can definitely tell you is if you stick your head above the crowd sooner
23:37or later, you're going to get hit by lightning.
23:39I don't know how you live with that.
23:40Well, you don't get too puffed up with the good things they print and you don't get too
23:44depressed about the bad.
23:45And when it gets too tough, you just put on an overcoat, a cap, and some dark glasses
23:50and pass yourself off as a man.
23:51In your case, I'd recommend a pageboy wig and a pair of pumps.
23:57That's okay.
23:57I don't think I'll be needing them.
23:59I'll let you be the lightning rod if you want.
24:01I'm going back to my old role of keeping the seats warm and watching the purses.
24:06And that'll be enough for you?
24:07Oh, plenty.
24:09Excuse me, Ms. Brown.
24:11Can I grab one last picture of you for the Tribune?
24:13Sure thing.
24:14Here, let me take you, Cole.
24:15Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:16Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:17Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:18Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:19Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:20Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:21Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:22Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:23Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:24Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:25Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:26Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:27Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:28Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:29Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:30Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:31Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:32Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:33Oh, no, I have a better idea.
24:34Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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