Spotting Red Flags In Your Relationship

Brut India

Are you in a toxic relationship? Mental health therapist Arouba Kabir tells you 5 signs to watch out for.

Transcript

00:00hey hi you said that you would come at six o'clock it's already seven where are

00:05you I know I know that you're with that office girl of yours I'm home and nobody

00:15has given me a glass of water nobody even asked hey hi I just saw the bank

00:21statement I'm saying that you're spending here here here if you are in a

00:36passive-aggressive communication I want you to give me a glass of water but I

00:41would never ask you directly to give me a glass of water I would be like it

00:45would have been nice if I got a glass of water on surface it's quite smooth it's

00:51soft because it's passive but deep within there's a lot of resentment anger

00:57built-in a lot of discomfort and in that process you're not only hindering

01:03hampering your own growth but you're also letting your spouse not grow if you

01:09are asking me something and I feel it is wrong I would tell you it's okay with me

01:14that's the passiveness on the surface but what if other people get angry so

01:20that is the aggressiveness that you don't want the person to do it but you

01:23don't have the skills to communicate in an effective way the person is loud

01:33dominating demanding but again it comes from your childhood you might have seen

01:39one of your parents being aggressive and getting the demands or needs met so

01:44that is what you learn that if I am loud I can overpower the person so you are

01:51trying to be here dominating demanding aggressive about it it can be different

01:56kind of aggression just verbal physical any form of aggression could be there

02:00but basically it's more about that you might have n number of insecurities

02:06within that if I am NOT loud enough I am might not be heard how long can you

02:13go on being angry all the time being demanding all the time authority they do

02:17all the time but it also damages the other person in the relationship their

02:21self-worth comes down

02:27if you say no what if the person does not talk to me what if I lose on an

02:32opportunity or anything we used to teach them how you can still be assertive and

02:38kindly politely say no you lack the eye contact your body posture is very poor

02:43you don't have the kind of confidence you should be you know body language is

02:48always very uncomfortable so it is not only actually damaging your mental space

02:54it is all also you know damaging your physical space which we never really pay

03:00attention to a lot of people have this belief that if you're being direct if

03:04you're being assertive you might displease a lot of people you might come

03:08as a rude person because you're saying no but no actually a direct communicator

03:14and assertive communicator is someone who just expresses his or her feelings

03:20needs wants desires but at the same time considers the other person's feelings

03:26also they use a lot of statements like I I feel I understand I think so that

03:33there is no blame game it's not that you know I feel I feel trapped in this room

03:40because of you it's like hey I feel I'm trapped because I'm not liking the

03:45environment here how about we go out one you are expressing what you are feeling

03:51second you are giving an option to the other person also

03:58it has to be repetition of the psychological abuse because a big

04:03psychological abuse you are making the person feel guilty for example I'm with

04:09my partner and I know my partner has an affair and I get to know about it I have

04:13all the evidences and I go to confront my partner I'm like hey listen I know

04:16you haven't seen it seen this person and my partner goes I know but it is all

04:21because of you because you don't give me that space you don't give me that

04:24confidence you don't give me this and what happens is like in the end I am the

04:30one apologizing I am so sorry I did not give you that space I'm so sorry I am

04:34the worst partner in this relationship I will try to do my best you tell me how

04:38do I change so the partner gaslighted me made me feel guilty when the mistake was

04:45it can make the person you know really lose his or her mind because you are

04:53continuously repeating the same abuse and the person starts doubting what is

04:59real and what is unreal the person can start forget about insanity but the

05:05person can never ever trust him or herself their own judgments they're

05:10always insecure in a relationship

05:16maybe if you don't call it 630 I get worried you know my anxiety kicks in I

05:22get worried about you I really want you to call me at 630 you have trust issues

05:28with the person what if the person is someone else what if the person is doing

05:32something other than me like you know they don't want like so it's a lot of

05:36insecurity within you're controlling their freedom asking what time did your

05:41office finish or going through their emails or knowing everything about them

05:46who their friends are but I really want to tell people what is a healthy

05:50relationship it is all about two people together supporting each other but at

05:56the same time as I said growing as two individuals it is something to worry

06:00about and it is not about the other person is about you you need to worry

06:04about yourself in every relationship you can start working on it when both the

06:09partners are willing if one of the partner is doing the work and the other

06:13partner is still the same it's like okay you have worked on yourself you are

06:18changing for good you are becoming a better person but that person is still

06:22giving you that push every time and there would be a time when you will

06:26reach on the boundary and you'll be like mmm it up a healthy relationship between

06:31two people is like where you actually grow as an individual when you are not

06:38working on actions it's a safe space for you you are able to communicate your

06:44needs and desires you have your space you have your independence you have your

06:49say in a relationship

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