"Hello Stef, You've spoken about the challenges faced by the single sons of single mothers. Would you please elaborate on the challenges they face, their mental/emotional blind spots and handicaps, and how to best navigate and understand the struggles they may not even know they have? Many thanks in advance."
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LearningTranscript
00:00Good morning everybody, hope you're doing well.
00:02Stefan Molyneux from Free Domain.
00:04Please help out the show at freedomain.com.
00:09All right.
00:10Big topic here.
00:11I will try to do it justice in a reasonable amount of time.
00:15I will fail in one of those counts.
00:17I guess it's up to you to figure out which one.
00:19Hello, Stef.
00:20You've spoken about the challenges faced by the single sons of single mothers.
00:25Would you please elaborate on the challenges they face,
00:30their mental slash emotional blind spots and handicaps,
00:33and how to best navigate and understand the struggle they may not even know
00:38they have many things in advance?
00:40It's a great question and I actually kind of have both in a way.
00:45I had a sort of odd pastiche or quilt of childhood
00:51in that of course my parents separated when I was a baby
00:59and what happened was my brother went to boarding school
01:04for a year before I did.
01:07So I had a year as the quote single son
01:12and then around the age of 12,
01:16my brother went to England for a couple of years
01:19and it was just me and my mother.
01:22And of course when I was in boarding school,
01:25for some older brothers the younger brother is not particularly cool
01:29and I was only six when I went to boarding school
01:32so I was not quite emotionally ready for that kind of separation.
01:36A bit, a tad young.
01:38I was the youngest kid I think in the whole school if I remember rightly
01:41just based on my birthday.
01:43So I didn't spend much time with my brother over boarding school
01:47so there were two spans of about three years
01:50where I didn't really have a brother for my childhood
01:54but two of those years of course was not with my mother for the most part
01:58because I was in boarding school.
02:01And I can't remember, honestly can't remember if it was two or three years
02:04that he was in England
02:06but I had sort of significant swaths of my childhood
02:11where I was the single son of a single mother.
02:16So some, I can't speak for everyone of course
02:19I'll try to keep this as general as possible
02:21because what's important is the principles I extract from my life to you
02:25not my life in particular which is important to me
02:28but it's too personal to be translated to you
02:31so I'll try and extract the general principles as I usually do.
02:33Sorry you don't need to hear this, it's a general principle
02:35but I will be talking about myself to some degree
02:38but talking about principles in general.
02:41So the first big challenge that the single son of the single mother has to answer
02:48and this is true of sons of single mothers as a whole
02:51let's talk about them as a whole.
02:53The first question you have to answer is
02:56Why am I here?
02:58Why do I exist?
02:59What are the causal factors behind my existence?
03:02And the reason that we're programmed to think about that kind of stuff of course
03:06is because we want to replicate the factors that led to our existence
03:12because the purpose of our DNA is to replicate
03:15and so we have to recreate the conditions under which we exist
03:19so emotionally, conceptually, at the very basic level of DNA
03:25our entire being is calibrated to figure out why we exist
03:31and then to do everything in our power to recreate those circumstances
03:36regardless of levels of happiness, regardless of levels of functionality
03:40it's just the blind photocopier of history
03:44just copy-paste, copy-paste, copy-paste, copy-paste
03:48So why do I exist?
03:51What are the circumstances which caused me to come into being
03:55and I am then either blessed or doomed to recreate those circumstances
04:02So, why do I exist?
04:06And where is my father?
04:09And why am I with my mother?
04:12We don't know anything of course in our essential natures
04:16our unconscious, our DNA, our ancestral instincts and so on
04:21We don't know anything about family courts
04:26or alimony or child support
04:29or international money transfer restrictions and so on
04:33and I say that because of course my father, being a geologist specializing in gold
04:37went to Africa, not massive amounts of gold deposits
04:41in England outside of the war chests of the royal family
04:45so he went to Africa and getting money out of Africa
04:49South Africa to England was not the easiest thing in the world
04:53as far as I understood it, so we don't understand any of that, right?
04:57So, one of the problems that we have
05:02as sons of single mothers is
05:05why am I with my mother and not my father?
05:08Why am I with my mother and not my father?
05:11Now one of the most foundational instincts that we have about that
05:16is my father didn't want me
05:20my father didn't want me
05:23and that's a big challenge for a son
05:28because you would have to say
05:31why didn't my father want me?
05:34Why did my father leave me with a woman
05:39rather than take me with him as a son?
05:44Now, there are really only two answers to that
05:48either A, my father is completely messed up
05:51and ran away from all of his responsibilities and so on
05:55or B, my father found me too feminine or effeminate
06:03to take with him and therefore felt it was best and most appropriate
06:07that I stay with my mother
06:11that I was not masculine enough to go with my father
06:16that my father is one of these Norsemen, Viking, manly men, giant beard
06:21sloping shoulders, mild pot belly, excellent hunter, manly man
06:25and I was left with a female
06:30because I wasn't manly enough to go with my father
06:34Now, fortunately for me, my father was kind of messed up
06:39and so I never really got the sense
06:42that I was not with my father
06:44and it never really even crossed my mind
06:46because I wasn't manly enough or anything
06:48but I can certainly see that that happens
06:51so if there is this concern or this fear
06:55again, we're talking about ancestral instincts and so on
06:59evolutionary instincts
07:00why have I been left with the woman
07:05rather than taken with the man
07:08either my father's messed up
07:10or there's something wrong with me
07:12says a lot of, I assume at least some proportion
07:16of single sons or any sons of single mothers
07:20why was I left behind?
07:21because my father rejected me
07:23well, why did my father reject me?
07:25well, either he's messed up
07:26or there was something about me that he didn't like
07:29now, it could be a certain kind of effeminacy
07:32it could be any number of things
07:34but in general, I think the instinctual
07:38the ancestral instincts are basically
07:41well, I must be rejected because I'm not manly enough
07:44and I mean, I can think you can see this quite a bit
07:46in modern culture with the fairly
07:49not overly masculine young men, right?
07:53now, either one of these forks in the road
07:56does not lead to a particularly ideal place
07:59because if your father left you
08:02because he's messed up
08:04well, you're half your father
08:05and more aligned with your father than your mother
08:07because you're both males
08:09and so that doesn't lead to a particularly
08:12great place emotionally
08:14my father is an irresponsible fornicator
08:17or philanderer
08:19and that's half me
08:20he broke my mother's heart
08:22that's half me
08:23or more than half me
08:25and that's not great
08:27of course, you also do have the challenge
08:30of growing up looking like the man
08:33who abandoned the single mother
08:35broke her heart
08:36I mean, according to her narrative, right?
08:38I'm not saying it's always that way
08:39but this is according to her narrative
08:41and if you're raised by a single mother
08:42you get her narrative
08:44not the dad's for the most part, right?
08:47so, if you look like him
08:50and this is really unfortunate in my family
08:53I looked like my mother's father
08:57and my brother looked like her ex-husband
08:59and it was very, very unfair
09:01she did not handle that well at all
09:02much to my sympathy for my brother
09:04so, either of these two forks in the road
09:07I was rejected for not being good enough for my father
09:10and that usually means not masculine enough for my father
09:12or my father is a messed up philanderer
09:15who broke my mother's heart
09:17and that's more than half me as the male
09:20so, neither of those things lead to a good place
09:23now, another challenge, of course
09:27is in this sort of existential
09:30which is to say, biological question
09:32why am I here and how do I recreate it?
09:35we only exist because we are expected
09:39to have babies
09:41we only exist because we are expected to have babies
09:44that's why the people who don't want kids
09:46are just breaking a foundational contract
09:47that is the reason for their existence
09:49or, to put it another way
09:52how many people would choose to have children
09:56if they knew in advance
09:58those children would be sterile
10:00and never reproduce
10:01like, be unable to reproduce
10:03let's say that a couple get together
10:05they get some genetic testing
10:06and it is found that their offspring will be sterile
10:09how many people would choose to have children
10:12knowing that their offspring would be sterile?
10:15I mean, obviously not zero
10:17but it would be lower than the norm
10:21and so that's why the people who don't want to have kids
10:25are kind of breaking that foundational social contract
10:27you only exist because you are expected to have children
10:30and if your parents knew ahead of time
10:32that you weren't going to have children
10:34they probably wouldn't have you
10:36so, the deal for being alive is to reproduce
10:39because if it was known ahead of time
10:42that you wouldn't reproduce
10:43you'd be much less likely to be alive
10:45and so your existence is predicated on
10:48the deal to reproduce
10:50I mean, obviously there are some people who
10:52PCOS or endometriosis or
10:55sperm dysfunctions or whatever
10:57but that's the deal
11:00so then the existential question of
11:02why am I here?
11:03why do I exist?
11:05if you have a dysfunctional single mother
11:09and for the most part you do
11:12for reasons I've gone into before
11:15then the challenge you have
11:17with regards to your view of women
11:19is why did my father choose to reproduce
11:23with this woman?
11:25why did my father choose to reproduce with this woman?
11:28why did my father choose to reproduce with this woman?
11:31that's the course of your existence
11:34it's a pretty important question to answer
11:38now, when you ask the question
11:41which happens again at an instinctual level
11:43from a very early age
11:44when you ask the question
11:46why did my father choose to reproduce with this woman?
11:49then the answer is essentially
11:53what is the value of women?
11:56what is the value of women?
11:59why are women valuable?
12:02now to answer that question
12:05we have to examine again at an instinctual level
12:08the motives or motivations of our fathers
12:13as sons of single mothers
12:15we have to examine the motivations of our fathers
12:18why did my father have sex with this woman?
12:23well it can't be because he truly loved her
12:26because if he truly loved her
12:28she would still be married to him
12:30he would still be married to her
12:31and I wouldn't be facing a father absence
12:34why did my father have sex with this woman?
12:40my mother
12:41again, foundational questions
12:43that need to be asked and answered
12:45and remember of course
12:46we grew up in tribal situations
12:48where future options and choice were not available
12:51we grew up in tribal situations
12:52which for tens or hundreds of thousands of years
12:55were basically just the same day
12:57over and over again
12:59so whatever your father did
13:00is what you would be doing
13:02that the best reproductive strategy
13:04would be to replicate what your father did
13:07so the question then is
13:10what is the value of women?
13:14I mean obviously
13:15your father found a value in a woman
13:18your mother
13:19in that he had sex with her
13:21but if he had sex with her
13:23and doesn't love her
13:24then unfortunately for your mindset
13:27although completely understandably from the evidence
13:30if your father
13:33had sex with a woman
13:35that he does not love
13:38then the value that women provide
13:40in this formulation
13:41in this empirical example
13:43the value that women provide
13:45is sex
13:47the value that women provide
13:49is sex
13:51and that's the great danger
13:53of the evidence
13:55and the instincts
13:56the instincts trying to parse out the evidence
13:58to reproduce sexually successful strategies
14:03your mother will often complain
14:07about her ex-husband
14:09your absent father
14:11your mother will often complain about him
14:13saying he's this he's that
14:15negative whatever right
14:16so then the question is
14:18if my parents don't like each other
14:22but had unprotected sex
14:25and produced a child
14:26and in most cases
14:28I don't know what the odds are these days
14:30but in many cases let's say
14:32they tried to make it work
14:34I mean my parents were married for a couple of years
14:37and they obviously tried to make it work
14:40so if your parents don't like each other
14:44but had sex
14:46then the value
14:47that men and women bring to each other
14:49is not virtue
14:50not integrity
14:51not moral courage
14:52not consistency
14:53not honesty
14:54not affection
14:55not support
14:56not the hard work of
14:58running a household
14:59both in terms of income
15:00and organization
15:01and child raising
15:02the value
15:04that men and women have for each other
15:07is rutting
15:08is mere sexual gratification
15:10in this case
15:11the primary value that the man brings
15:14is money
15:15and the primary value the woman brings
15:18is sexual appeal
15:20so that's
15:22the danger
15:23for the boys
15:25is to say
15:27my father
15:28found
15:30the only valuable thing
15:32in my mother was sexual access
15:34because
15:35he does not like her as a person
15:37and she does not like him as a person
15:39and there's a lot of retribution
15:41and wounded vanity
15:42and hostility
15:43and attack
15:44and all of that
15:45so if my parents don't like each other
15:48then the only reason they reproduced
15:50was because of lust
15:52now what this means
15:54is that lust
15:56is a danger
15:58that brings
15:59great sorrow
16:01lust is a danger that brings great sorrow
16:04lust is not part of the pair bonding
16:06of a healthy relationship
16:07that shores up
16:09all of the golden virtues of love
16:11and integrity
16:12and honesty
16:13and courage
16:14and all of that
16:15that love
16:17is not required
16:19in fact
16:20you can have sex with people you hate
16:22because remember of course
16:23when you are a kid
16:25and you're raised by a single mom
16:27you're a son
16:28son or daughter
16:29we're just talking about sons today
16:30and your mother
16:32is bitching and complaining about your dad
16:34you don't know
16:36the courtship
16:37you're not aware of the courtship
16:38you're not aware of the
16:40positives they had to say about each other
16:41you're not aware of any affection
16:43really that they may have had in the past
16:45I mean all you're doing
16:47is you're seeing Hiroshima
16:48after the 45 bomb
16:50you're not seeing it before
16:52and so all you see
16:54is this negativity
16:55and hostility
16:56and aggression
16:57and impatience
16:59and anger
17:00if not rage
17:01and disappointment
17:02and bitterness
17:03like that's all you see
17:05so if
17:06the value
17:07that your father found in your mother
17:09was only sexual access
17:11and in a sense
17:12from your perspective
17:13post-separation
17:14abandonment
17:15or divorce
17:16if from your perspective
17:18they basically had to hold their noses
17:20to be with each other
17:22in other words
17:23they had to pretend
17:24that they liked each other
17:25while secretly not liking each other
17:27just to get their rocks off
17:29to chase the eternal
17:30O of orgasm
17:32the story of O
17:33is the story of life
17:35so
17:36if
17:37they don't like each other
17:38then the only value they had in each other
17:40was sexual access
17:42and what this does
17:44is it provokes
17:46in your hormones
17:48when you get older
17:49or even when you're younger
17:51it provokes in your mindset
17:52hypersexuality
17:54because the genes say
17:56oh crap
17:58people don't like each other
17:59so I have to crank up the lust
18:01men and women don't like each other
18:03they're not honorable
18:04respectful
18:05virtuous in this
18:06tribal environment
18:07so I have to really crank up the lust
18:09I have to make lust
18:10a kind of crazed hysteria
18:12that overcomes
18:14highly toxic
18:16emotional and moral traits
18:18immoral traits
18:20I mean
18:21if the food is bad
18:23or questionable
18:24you have to wait
18:25until you're really hungry
18:26to eat it
18:27right?
18:28you have to wait
18:29until you're really hungry
18:30to eat it
18:31and so
18:32if the personalities around
18:33are toxic and negative
18:34and dangerous
18:35then the hormones say
18:36well in order to overcome
18:38the negatives
18:39of bad personalities
18:42we have to crank up the lust
18:44to insane levels
18:46so we are a lust
18:48and ruttings based society
18:50and
18:51the lust has to be so high
18:53that you're willing to have sex
18:55with people you
18:56don't respect or even despise
18:58just to get
18:59the relief from the
19:01crazed sexual hunger
19:03which is why
19:04both males and females
19:05from single mother households
19:06end up often
19:07hypersexual
19:09that's the gene
19:10saying well
19:11people don't like each other
19:12so how do babies get made
19:14if people don't like each other
19:15if men and women don't like each other
19:16how do babies get made?
19:17well
19:18babies get made because
19:20the lust levels have to be
19:21cranked up to insane levels
19:23or I guess genetically sane levels
19:25in order for people to reproduce
19:27so that's the great danger
19:29that your lust levels
19:30will crank up to the point
19:32where
19:33you only view
19:35the value of women
19:37as
19:38sexual objects
19:40and
19:42of course we can see this
19:43all over in the culture
19:45I don't even need to list
19:46all of the examples
19:48they're too obvious to mention
19:50so the challenge
19:51is to say
19:52what is the value of women?
19:54now
19:55again we're not designed
19:56to have different choices
19:57from our parents
19:59because
20:00for 99.99999%
20:02of human history
20:04you had no choice
20:05to act differently
20:06from your parents
20:07this is what I talked about
20:08in Australia
20:09with regards to the aborigines
20:10of 40,000 years
20:11of copy-paste groundhog days
20:13everybody was the same
20:15the time slice was the same
20:16for tens of thousands of years
20:18so you did not have the choice
20:20to be different
20:22from your parents
20:24so the danger of course
20:25is that your lust
20:27leads you
20:28to
20:29overlook
20:30negative qualities
20:32of men and women
20:33and have sex with them
20:35to gain relief
20:36from the torture of sexual desire
20:38to eat the bad food
20:39just because you're hungry
20:41to the point of madness
20:43you'll drink
20:45water
20:46in a moose track
20:47as someone
20:48I knew working up north did
20:50he was so thirsty
20:52you'll drink bilge water
20:53if you're thirsty enough
20:54or
20:55after that
20:56you can
20:57saw off a slice of Guinness
20:59now how do you escape this?
21:01well the way that you escape this
21:02is you say
21:03my parents were dysfunctional
21:05my parents were immature
21:07my parents committed the sin of lust
21:09which is to have sex
21:11with someone
21:12you do not
21:13respect
21:14and admire
21:15morally
21:16and it is to denormalize
21:18what your parents didn't say
21:20they were
21:21they made bad choices
21:22other choices can be made
21:23but in order to do that
21:25you have to give your parents
21:26moral responsibility
21:28and judge them negatively
21:30and to give your parents
21:31moral responsibility
21:32and judge them negatively
21:34was
21:36not
21:37allowed
21:38and would
21:40often result in
21:41attack
21:42ostracism
21:43imprisonment
21:44exile
21:45death
21:46if you judged your parents morally
21:48and said
21:50that they made bad
21:51corrupt
21:52immoral choices
21:53well
21:54I mean
21:55let's play that out
21:56so throughout most of human history
21:57if you say
21:58you go out into the dating market
21:59and you say
22:00well
22:01and remember
22:02we grew up in tribes where
22:03our mindsets were
22:04essentially the same
22:05so
22:06if you go
22:07out into society
22:08and you say
22:09my parents made
22:10bad corrupt choices
22:11they were immoral
22:13and you go and try and date
22:14well remember
22:15the girlfriends
22:16your girlfriend's parents
22:17or your potential girlfriend's parents
22:18are kind of the same
22:19are you going to say
22:20the same thing
22:21to them
22:22well if you say the same thing to them
22:23they're not going to want
22:24their daughter to date you
22:25if you
22:26say to a woman
22:27your parents seem to be
22:28kind of corrupt and immoral
22:29then those parents
22:30are not going to want that
22:31girl to date you
22:32and remember
22:33throughout most of human history
22:34the approval of the parents
22:35was pretty
22:36it was a pretty important ingredient
22:37in getting married
22:38and the support
22:39of extended family
22:40was pretty important
22:41in getting employment
22:42in raising
22:43your children
22:44in security
22:45in your old age
22:46and so the option
22:47to
22:48be morally objective
22:50and judge people
22:51according to universal standards
22:52that's a pretty new phenomenon
22:54and
22:55as you know
22:56of course
22:57history is replete with people
22:58who tried to
22:59judge people
23:00according to
23:01fairly objective
23:02moral standards
23:03or even knowledge standards
23:04as Socrates did
23:05he was more
23:06of an epistemologist
23:07than a moralist
23:08like what is true
23:09so
23:10they you know
23:11got killed
23:12or crucified
23:13or exiled
23:14or cast out
23:15or couldn't find anyone
23:16to reproduce with them
23:17like Nietzsche
23:18who I think
23:19went to a prostitute once
23:20and then got syphilis
23:21if I remember the story correctly
23:22bad luck
23:23but
23:24it was a
23:25genetic dead end
23:26to attempt to apply
23:27objective
23:28moral standards
23:29to
23:30the eldest
23:31in your society
23:32because
23:33they controlled
23:34access to the next generation
23:35they controlled access to resources
23:36and
23:37if they disapproved of you
23:38then
23:39you
23:40in various
23:41levels of
23:42ostracism to
23:44violence
23:45to murder
23:46you just didn't get to reproduce
23:48so it very much goes against
23:50our instincts
23:51like we have two separate instincts
23:52right
23:53one is to universalize
23:54one is to universalize
23:56and
23:57the other is
24:00to bow to power
24:01right
24:02so
24:03this is the tensions
24:04within the human mind
24:05right
24:06we have flourished
24:07as a species
24:08through our ability
24:09to conceptualize
24:10and universalize
24:11and we are told
24:12that
24:13morals are universal
24:14when we were a kid
24:15right
24:16I was certainly raised
24:17and maybe this was
24:18obviously this was a Christian thing
24:19I doubt it's coming much
24:20from the atheist left
24:21these days
24:22but I was raised
24:23that morals were universal
24:24that morals
24:25were universal
24:26and it didn't matter
24:27whether
24:29someone had power
24:30or not
24:31I mean
24:32I was raised
24:33in England
24:34of course
24:35and I was fascinated
24:36with World War II history
24:37culminated in my novel
24:38called
24:39Almost
24:40which you should
24:41definitely check out
24:42freedomain.com
24:43slash books
24:44and I remember being
24:45quite young
24:46and reading about
24:48the Nuremberg Trials
24:49read about the Holocaust
24:50read about the Nuremberg Trials
24:51of course in the
24:52Nuremberg Trials
24:54the fact that something
24:55was legal
24:56that what the Nazis did
24:57was legal
24:58didn't matter
24:59right
25:00this was a big swing between
25:01positive law
25:02and natural law
25:03positive law says
25:04that virtue
25:05or the right
25:06or the good
25:07is whatever the law says
25:08natural law says
25:09there's a standard
25:10by which you judge laws
25:11as moral or immoral
25:12that is independent of
25:13legal statutes
25:14and so the fact
25:15that the German government
25:16was voted in
25:17the fact that the German government
25:18had power
25:19and
25:20quote
25:21democratic legitimacy
25:22based on the votes
25:23didn't matter
25:24that there was a moral
25:25standard
25:26higher
25:27than all
25:28authority
25:29right
25:30and I mean
25:31I accepted
25:32and absorbed
25:33that
25:34lesson
25:35right
25:36that Nazi Germany
25:37was
25:38evil and totalitarian
25:39and murderous
25:40and so on
25:41so a government
25:42could be
25:43judged according to
25:44an objective moral standard
25:45of virtue
25:46and even though
25:47it was a government
25:48even though it was voted in
25:49it was utterly evil
25:50and immoral
25:51and I accepted that lesson
25:52heck I still accept
25:53that lesson
25:54nothing really has changed
25:55in the
25:56half a century
25:57since I first read
25:58about
25:59the Nuremberg Trials
26:01my mother had a bunch of
26:03World War II books
26:05floating around
26:06so
26:08I was raised to
26:10judge
26:11according to a universal standard
26:12that was larger
26:14even than
26:15governments
26:16and
26:17the law
26:18and the will of the people
26:19and so on right
26:20but that's new
26:22that's new
26:23that's new
26:24and fairly unprecedented
26:25in human history
26:27so
26:28if
26:29you want to get out of the trap
26:30of viewing the value
26:32of the opposite sex
26:33as sex objects
26:35if you want to get out of that trap
26:36then what you have to do
26:38is judge them morally
26:40to be wanting
26:41you can't
26:42if you make excuses
26:43for their behavior
26:45then you will make excuses
26:46for your own behavior
26:47free will is a big giant lever
26:49right
26:50you raise it up
26:51and you lower it down
26:53and if you lower free will
26:54for your parents
26:55say they're victims of circumstances
26:57or history
26:58their own bad parents
26:59or whatever
27:00if you lower free will
27:01for your parents
27:02then you lower free will
27:03for yourself
27:04willpower is the most important thing
27:05in life
27:06right
27:07because without willpower
27:08you can't get to virtue
27:10it's necessary
27:11of course
27:12though not sufficient
27:13so with willpower
27:15you say
27:16I can choose
27:17my fate
27:18I can choose
27:19my circumstances
27:20I can choose
27:21the contents of my mind
27:22I can choose
27:23my actions
27:24and through that
27:25through that responsibility of choice
27:27then you have the responsibility
27:29through the capacity of choice
27:30you have the responsibility
27:31to pursue virtue
27:33nobody says
27:35of a prisoner
27:36in a gulag
27:38or Solzhenitsyn
27:39or Dostoevsky
27:40nobody says
27:41of a prisoner in a gulag
27:42you should have eaten better
27:43there was no eating better
27:45you eat whatever slop
27:46they put in front of you
27:48there's no diet
27:49in prison
27:50certainly not back then
27:51right
27:52maybe now you can get some
27:53lactose free stuff
27:54or I don't know
27:55but
27:56you eat what they put in front of you
27:57so there's no choice there
27:58right
27:59so when you dial up
28:00choice
28:01you dial up willpower
28:02the value of willpower
28:03and if you dial down choice
28:04you castrate yourself
28:05of the capacity for willpower
28:07if you say your parents
28:08couldn't choose any better
28:09then you can't choose any better
28:10so you have to
28:11the only way out of it
28:12is you have to dial up the choices
28:13for your parents
28:15and
28:16you know
28:17self know thyself
28:18Socrates commandment
28:19the child is the father of the man
28:21even the Freudian Jungian stuff
28:23which although
28:24horribly imperfect in many ways
28:26did
28:27provide a path towards
28:29self knowledge
28:30and the value of the unconscious
28:32and understanding yourself
28:33of course Christianity has
28:35set itself against
28:36the baser instincts
28:37since time immemorial
28:39or
28:40I guess
28:412024 years
28:42and a couple of days
28:43so
28:44we have this
28:45we have this tradition
28:46parenting books
28:47self help books
28:48therapy
28:49this has all been around
28:51for
28:52many decades
28:53arguably
28:54century and a half
28:55oh arguably
28:56going even further back
28:57to know thyself right
28:58I mean
28:59Hamlet's soliloquies
29:00are an attempt to understand
29:02himself
29:03so that's all part of
29:05our tradition
29:06certainly in the west
29:08of self knowledge
29:09and
29:10the tension between
29:11instincts and ideals
29:13mind body dichotomy
29:15has been talked about
29:16and discussed fairly endlessly
29:17in
29:18philosophy
29:19and psychology of course right
29:21although psychology has become
29:23progressively
29:24more amoral
29:25and conformist
29:27so
29:28you have to
29:29denormalize what your parents did
29:30you said they had choices
29:31they chose wrong
29:32they should have chosen better
29:33they could have chosen better
29:34and that
29:35liberates your free will
29:36from
29:37the
29:38unconscious hamster wheel of history
29:39just round and round
29:40copy paste
29:41groundhog day
29:42you have to assign
29:43free will to your parents
29:44and your grandparents
29:45and you have to
29:46then you get to
29:47wear
29:48the medal
29:49of free will
29:50yourself
29:51and then you can choose
29:52differently
29:53and then you can say
29:54the value that I should look for
29:55in a partner
29:56is not
29:58sex
29:59but virtue
30:01sex
30:03in the absence of virtue
30:04which is the presence of
30:05corruption
30:07right the absence of health
30:08is the presence of
30:09disease or dysfunction
30:11he's not healthy
30:12means that there's
30:13something wrong with him
30:14so if you're not virtuous
30:15then corruption
30:16or immorality
30:17or evil
30:18is
30:19inevitable
30:20so you have to say
30:21that I will pursue virtue
30:23as my parents should have
30:25I reject
30:27base mammalian rutting
30:28as the foundation
30:29of a pretend relationship
30:31I reject the sin of lust
30:33I look for the good
30:35I pursue
30:36the good
30:37I'm not going to be ruled
30:38by hormones
30:39and testicles
30:40I'm going to be ruled by
30:42a conscience
30:43a
30:44courageous heart
30:45and
30:46a virtuous willpower
30:48and that
30:49is a break
30:50with
30:51the copy-paste of history
30:52and that allows you to chart
30:53a different course
30:54but if you say
30:55people can't chart their courses
30:56which is the fundamentals of
30:58quote forgiving your parents
30:59without
31:00apologies and restitution
31:01then you're saying
31:02people can't choose
31:03like whatever you say about your parents
31:04you say about yourself
31:05whatever you say about your parents
31:07you say
31:08about yourself
31:09in terms of their choices
31:11if they couldn't choose
31:12you can't choose
31:13if you can choose
31:14they could choose
31:15if you can do better
31:16they should have done better
31:17and they're responsible for not
31:18doing better
31:19and of course you say
31:20well they didn't know
31:21how to do better
31:22well of course they did
31:23you've heard me say this
31:24a million times in call-in shows
31:25that abusive parents
31:26almost never abuse
31:27their children in public
31:28or where they would suffer
31:29negative consequences
31:30for abusing their children
31:31so they know exactly
31:32what the right thing to do is
31:33and they do it
31:34on a regular basis
31:36they just indulge themselves
31:38corruption is really
31:39just a form of indulgence
31:40it's giving yourself
31:41permission
31:42to do something
31:43willpower is when you get
31:45to decide what you do
31:47I mean you can't diet
31:48if you give yourself
31:49permission to eat crap
31:50right so
31:51so I think that's
31:52the most important thing
31:53that I would talk about
31:54or I have talked about
31:55in this kind of conversation
31:57so I hope that helps
31:59and I would love to hear
32:00what your thoughts are
32:01I'm happy to make this a series
32:02if you think there's more
32:03value that I could offer
32:04but I think that
32:05foundational aspect
32:06is the most important stuff
32:07to look at
32:08so lots of love from up here
32:09freedomain.com
32:10slash donate
32:11to help out the show
32:12love you guys
32:13thanks for the great questions
32:14I'm going to talk to you soon
32:16bye