Parul Bansal: How To Fill Your Cup

Goalcast

Parul Bansal was washing her hair one day, when suddenly, strands of hair began to fall off-which led to an important realization.

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00:00As I was washing my hair and pulled my hand away from my head,

00:04there was a massive clump of hair tangled in my hand.

00:09I just stared at it.

00:11It looked like a tarantula.

00:14I tried not to think about it till the next time I showered.

00:18And it happened again.

00:20And again and again and again.

00:23Within a few months, I lost over 50% of my hair.

00:27I was basically bald at the back of my head.

00:30My boyfriend turns to me and says,

00:32maybe you should get a wig.

00:35I cried so hard that night.

00:38But two weeks later, on Valentine's Day of all days,

00:42I walked into a wig shop.

00:45I took off my winter hat to reveal my mess of patchy, thin hair.

00:51As the wig shop owner looked through my scalp,

00:54he told me that I may have alopecia and that it's perfectly normal

00:58and lots of his clients who have it wear wigs and feel good about themselves.

01:03Then he showed me the most beautiful wig you could ever imagine.

01:09So, I bought it.

01:12The very next day, I felt like a fraud.

01:15Like I was hiding a dirty little secret.

01:19And because of this wig, I can't shower at the gym or go swimming

01:22or even ride a freaking roller coaster.

01:25And within a few weeks, the truth became clear.

01:29I am not allowed to be me.

01:33I mean, to not be allowed to be is like not being allowed to see.

01:37Blinded by the burden of expectations placed on me,

01:40I disappeared beneath this wig.

01:43A physical embodiment of social, societal, and family pressures.

01:46Shouldn't shame? They're the same.

01:49And this wig, this wig, represents shame.

01:53Unworthiness. Other people's thoughts implanted into my mind.

01:57I hate this. It feels like the pressure cooker inside me is about to go off.

02:01My insides are screaming, what if?

02:06What if I shave it all off?

02:10So, I went for it.

02:13And f***ing shaved my head.

02:22Hundreds of messages and phone calls flooded in.

02:26People telling me how brave I am.

02:29Ladies came up to me on the streets and picked up their wigs,

02:32just a little bit, for me to see sparse strands of their hair.

02:36But you know what?

02:40I felt f***ing terrible.

02:44Shaving my head was supposed to finally allow me to be myself.

02:49But I, I literally couldn't recognize my own shadow.

02:53Once again, avoiding mirrors,

02:57I became she. Who is she?

03:01I was forced to examine all of me with a bald head.

03:06Do I look feminine? Am I Indian?

03:09Am I even attractive? Do I fit in?

03:12Because I sure as hell feel like I stand out.

03:16You know, it's as if I had this cup of who I was.

03:20And it was full to the brim of other people's ideas.

03:24When I shaved my head, I went like this.

03:27And now, I have this empty cup.

03:30And I don't know what to do with it.

03:33But it wasn't until November 21st, 2018,

03:37that I truly saw myself for the very first time.

03:40And in of all places,

03:43it was during six hours of video meetings,

03:46where I couldn't help but notice her.

03:49In that tiny little video chat box.

03:52She looked gentle, yet fierce.

03:55That bald chick? She is me. I am her.

04:00For the first time in my life,

04:02it felt like my insides and outsides were in alignment.

04:06I look like how I feel, and I feel like me.

04:11I decided that every seemingly opposing version of myself

04:15could truly coexist.

04:17My Indian roots, my Canadian upbringing,

04:20my femininity and my fierceness,

04:23my love for hip-hop and my vintage teacup collection.

04:26There is no box to fill.

04:29No cup to fill.

04:32You should to hold us down.

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