How a survivor became CEO of a domestic abuse charity

The Independent

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00:00I experienced emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse and also coercive

00:09controlling behaviour. It all started after about three months of being together, so initially

00:15it was a lot of the love bombing, so very intense messages, wanting to be together all

00:19the time, you know, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, I love you so

00:22much, I can't believe you've come into my life, I'm so lucky. I kind of thought it was

00:27love that he wanted to know where I was, what I was wearing, who I was seeing, what I was

00:32doing. He would tell me that, you know, no wonder that nobody ever loved me previously,

00:36no wonder I was kind of on my own before I met him, nobody else would love me, nobody

00:41else would want me. You stay in the relationship thinking, oh, well he does really get me,

00:45like, he, you know, he knows how I feel and nobody else is going to want me, so, and you

00:50genuinely believe that, so you stay thinking, okay, well this is, this is what I've got,

00:54this is what my life will look like. And I did try several times to leave the relationship,

00:59but every time I did, he would use coercive controlling behaviour to get me to come back,

01:04so sometimes there was real attempts of suicide, so I'd get kind of the same pattern of, I

01:10would leave, he would attempt suicide, I'd go back and he would say all this stuff. I

01:14think he knew that this time I wasn't coming back, and when he came back, he threw me out

01:19the bed, he smashed my phone against the wall, and that was, I think, the seventh phone I'd

01:23been through in that relationship, so I had no way of calling for help or asking somebody

01:28to come and help me or calling the police or anything, and luckily his friend was there

01:32because he then, when he threw me out the bed, he started kicking me in the chest and

01:36face, and I was kind of cowering on the floor, like, protecting myself with my arms, and

01:41thankfully his friend did come in and get him off me. The relationship had actually

01:45been incredibly abusive, and he had had a choice, and he still chose to continue to

01:50abuse me and to take his own life, leaving a suicide letter that blamed me, and for

01:56many, many years, I blamed me. Some of the days were really dark, like, at times I was

02:01suicidal myself, I didn't know how to cope with the intense feelings, I couldn't understand

02:06it, I couldn't make sense of it, and for years couldn't even admit that I was in an abusive

02:11relationship, because for me it came with kind of a stigma, which sadly is still the

02:15case now, that some people believe actually, you know, that survivor is to blame, it was

02:20her fault, and, you know, she should have just left straight away. I don't think a survivor

02:24ever is able to fully let go or process or make sense of what's happened to them, I think

02:28it's a part of your journey that just shapes you differently, and it takes a long time

02:33to understand it, it's a really complex thing to understand how you have got in that situation

02:39or feel like you've got in that situation. So, are they on any plan currently?

02:43Child in need at the minute.

02:44Child in need, okay. It feels like such an honour to be able to do the work I do now,

02:48because you see a family and a survivor come in, they're very broken, they're in a really

02:52difficult time of their life, and then they kind of do their journey with us and they

02:56leave at the end happy, safe, smiling, looking forward to their future and with hope. Being

03:01a survivor and working in this environment makes a big difference to somebody when they

03:05come through our doors and say, well, you don't understand. Well, actually I do understand

03:10because I've been there, I've, you know, I've worn those shoes, I've lived that experience,

03:13so I can relate to them on a different level of understanding, which somebody who maybe

03:17hasn't been a survivor isn't able to do. This is the home for our survivors, so we don't

03:22wear uniform, it's very relaxed, it's very welcoming, it's kind of made by them and shaped

03:28by them. So, for example, like some of the artwork on the walls is done from previous

03:31survivors that were here. We have a lot of previous survivors that come and volunteer

03:35with us and kind of share their experiences with current survivors. It's kept as homely

03:41and welcoming as possible. So, it's all brand new bedding, pots, pans, toiletries, toys

03:46for the children, a new teddy bear for the children, and then all of that stuff is theirs,

03:50so they use it whilst they're in refuge. And then when they leave us, sort of six, eight

03:54months later, they take that with them on the next step in their journey. And that's

03:57why I now tell my story, is because I really want those that are still living in abusive

04:02relationships to understand that there is hope and you can make your life whatever you

04:07want it to be. For me, all of my dreams have come true. Eleven years on, it's taken a long

04:11time and it's tested me in every way possible, but it's happened and, you know, I'm one of

04:16the lucky ones that's still here today to tell my story.

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