Marriage & Family Dynamics_ Giving 'Space' _ Q&A with Nouman Ali Khan

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00:00If you think this is a good idea, I've given you my advice, that's the most I can do.

00:04After that, you have to make a choice.

00:06And whatever choice you make, I will support you.

00:08And if this choice ends up being bad, then I will never bring up,

00:11Hey, remember I told you not to?

00:13Ugly or good doesn't matter, but you have to put it all out.

00:16Because you need that from your spouse, and your spouse needs that from you.

00:20We have to shepherd our children, but then we cannot engineer our children.

00:30What advice would you give to someone who is about to fail?

00:40I would have to ask that giving space, meaning that giving the chance and be around the person you love to fail.

00:48When they fail and they have failure and then they hit rock bottom,

00:54is that giving space meaning like not giving them what they want,

00:57but always surrounding them when they have troubles?

01:01Yes, yes, and if you see that they're headed towards failure,

01:05part of your honesty is, I think you're headed towards failure.

01:08But this is a choice you have to make, and whether or not you succeed,

01:13I just want you to know that I will support you,

01:16because Allah has given you the right to try.

01:20So I'm not going to take that right from you.

01:22I'll take this even personal, if my daughter said she wants to marry some young man, right?

01:27Then I will say, let me talk to him, let me talk to the family, I'll give my opinion.

01:33I think this is a good decision, I think it's a bad decision.

01:36But at the end of the day, my daughter is an adult, isn't she?

01:38So I'm going to say, you have to make this choice.

01:40If you think this is a good idea, I've given you my advice, that's the most I can do.

01:44After that, you have to make a choice, and whatever choice you make, I will support you.

01:48And if the choice ends up being bad, then I will never bring up,

01:52Hey, I remember I told you not to? I will still support you.

01:54And you will never hear criticism from my mouth.

01:57This is me giving her space.

01:59So she feels safe that she can make that choice, no matter what. Right?

02:04This is not giving license to do the wrong thing.

02:07But it's definitely license to try things. Right?

02:11And that's something we have to do.

02:13Human beings would never have made the innovations we've made.

02:16I'm using a microphone, this LCD screen, you know, the clothes we're wearing.

02:20All of this is a product of innovation.

02:22Of human beings trying and failing at new things.

02:24We're all beneficiaries of that constantly.

02:28So who are we to stop it from happening?

02:30Right?

02:34I'd like to ask, you also already mentioned in the previous lecture on YouTube,

02:40in Surah Ar-Rum, verse 21st,

02:44to find a right partner is the part that also gives us...

02:48Oh yeah, I saw that in Turkey, yeah.

02:50And within a marriage life, there's also a dynamics, like what you mentioned on the stage,

02:56you know, the dynamics and the space, like when is the right time to give the space,

03:01and when to take the space.

03:03And sometimes we prefer not to share the space with our partner.

03:08Instead we share it with our friends.

03:10Can you please elaborate the peace definition that you mentioned?

03:14So I think that the marriage relationship is the most difficult relationship of all.

03:18And the most important relationship of all.

03:21Because of it a person will rise, because of it a person will fall.

03:24Right?

03:25So I think between you and your spouse you have to have the most difficult, honest, open conversations

03:32about yourself and about your needs in space.

03:37Ugly or good doesn't matter, but you have to put it all out.

03:41Because you need that from your spouse, and your spouse needs that from you.

03:44And that's, it's not an easy thing, it's a process.

03:47You have to, it takes time to get there.

03:49But every marriage should try to get there.

03:52Because without it, you're going to be suffocating inside.

03:56Even friends cannot fill that space, they can only fill a little bit.

04:00Allah designed the spouse to really truly fill that space.

04:03You know?

04:06When you talk about space, I think about parenting to our child.

04:11Sometimes, as a parent, we try to give the best thing for our child, right?

04:17Yes, yes.

04:18But what do you think about realistic thing and optimistic thing?

04:23We don't know what happen with our child in future, but we know something.

04:28Hey child, this is good and this is bad.

04:31And what do you think about optimistic thinking and...

04:35You see, like Yaqub is a prophet, right?

04:38And his sons are not coming out very good.

04:41So he's a pretty good parent.

04:43We have to do our part.

04:45We have to shepherd our children.

04:48But then, we cannot engineer our children.

04:51At the end of the day, once we show them right and wrong, even Allah doesn't force.

04:56Allah says,

04:58Either grateful or ungrateful. That's up to you.

05:01So if Allah, the ultimate authority, is giving that room,

05:04I have to do my best to guide my child.

05:06But after that, when they get to a certain point, they have to make their own choices.

05:10Even the Rasul s.a.w. told his daughter,

05:12You have to have your own taqwa. I won't help you on Judgment Day.

05:15I can't.

05:16Right?

05:17So that's the mentality we should have.

05:19Hey everyone, you just watched me answer a question somebody had about the Quran.

05:23I'm sure you have many questions about the Quran yourself.

05:26A lot of these questions get answered in the Deeper Look Study.

05:29Myself and my team do and turn into a series of the Quran

05:32on the Deeper Look Series available at bayyinatv.com

05:35So get your questions answered, sometimes even without having to ask them,

05:39by studying these surahs in depth with us at bayyinatv.com

05:42under the Deeper Look section.

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