Season 7 Ep 12
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Okay, here's something you didn't want to know.
00:07Martin Glazer in apartment 5C wears a size 44 underpants.
00:11He leaves them in the washer for like six hours after they're done, like it's a pot
00:16roast.
00:17So finally I have to take them out myself and I'll tell you what they don't have in
00:20the laundry room, tongs.
00:21How did you know who's under where they were?
00:25Because it said right in the elastic band.
00:27I belong to Martin Glazer, apartment 5C.
00:30Oh, I touched another man's unmentionables.
00:34You washing your hands?
00:35Like I'm Silkwood, baby.
00:36What are you doing there?
00:37I'm wrapping a certain somebody's wonderful Valentine's Day present.
00:43That's sweet, but can I just warn you, whatever you got me, what I got you, it's more wonderful.
00:48Pretty wonderful what I got you.
00:49Well, it's not even the same league of wonderwood.
00:50We don't have to argue about this.
00:51No reason to argue.
00:52Okay.
00:53Why don't we just take them out and compare?
00:54I'm ready when you're ready.
01:12You know, it's going straight to me.
01:14Happy Valentine's Day.
01:16No, no, no.
01:17Happy Valentine's Day to you.
01:18All right.
01:19I'm going to guess a necktie.
01:20Oh, you think you're so smart.
01:23It's not a necktie.
01:24I got it.
01:25You go first.
01:26No, you.
01:27You're right.
01:28You know why?
01:29Because what I got you is going to be too tough an act for a necktie to follow.
01:31You're going to feel so silly.
01:32Why?
01:33Because it's not a necktie?
01:34Open it.
01:35Hey, a necktie.
01:36Yes, it's a necktie, but it's a Paul Smith necktie.
01:39Oh, that's a beautiful necktie.
01:41That's great, isn't it?
01:43He's a genius, Paul Smith.
01:44Oh, that's just a gorgeous necktie.
01:46You know, he's English.
01:47I love a nice English necktie.
01:48Aren't the colors great?
01:50Really, really nice colors.
01:52They're vibrant, but they're subtle.
01:53Yeah.
01:54You know what it is?
01:55They're aggressive, but like there's a humility there.
01:57Exactly.
01:58I've got that smooth weave, so it makes a small little knot.
02:01Oh, this is a fantastic necktie.
02:02Oh, do you like it?
02:03I love it.
02:04Oh, I'm so glad.
02:05The second I saw it, I said, that's what I want to get him.
02:07Oh, boy.
02:08And you were absolutely right.
02:09This is gorgeous.
02:10Thank you so much.
02:11You're welcome.
02:12Open up yours.
02:13Okay.
02:14What did you do?
02:17You'll see and you'll know.
02:23Ooh, picture of a house.
02:25No.
02:26No?
02:27A house.
02:28A picture of a house.
02:29No.
02:30No?
02:31A house.
02:32Right, a picture of a house.
02:35A house.
02:36Right.
02:37No.
02:38No?
02:39A house.
02:40A house, of which this is a picture.
02:44It's in Westchester, in Irvington, actually.
02:46Open up the envelope.
02:47Look what's in the envelope.
02:53Look at that.
02:55We've been on escrow for the last six weeks and we close on Tuesday.
03:00Oh, a house.
03:01Yay!
03:04Happy Valentine's Day.
03:06Aw.
03:07I know, you have some reservations about moving to the suburbs,
03:09which is why I have arranged, I'm not stupid, okay,
03:12I have arranged with the sellers, Mr. and Mrs. DeChristoforo,
03:15who, by the way, lovely people,
03:17they're going to let us spend a night in the house,
03:20before we buy it, just to put your mind at ease.
03:22Won't that be great?
03:23How happy are you with me right now?
03:25Let's go, honey.
03:26No, don't sell yourself short,
03:28because the necktie is also really nice.
03:37This is the kitchen, the custom kitchen.
03:40We had a lot of good times in this kitchen, huh, Ramona?
03:43Yes, we did.
03:44Look at this, honey.
03:45This is all Formica.
03:48You can't get that anymore.
03:50Show them the intercom system.
03:53This is the intercom system.
03:55There are intercoms located throughout the house.
03:58It's in mint condition.
03:59Would you like to try it?
04:01Sure.
04:03Kevin, we got a spill in aisle seven.
04:06You can't get those anymore.
04:08Tell them about the living room, Frank.
04:10This is the living room, where we do most of our living.
04:14Oh, God.
04:15Remember that, Ramona?
04:17Uh-huh.
04:18I took a misstep once in the attic
04:20and fell through into the living room.
04:22Oh, look.
04:23You can still see the line of the replastering.
04:26Frank.
04:28Why don't you tell them about something
04:30besides the hole in the ceiling?
04:32Okay.
04:33Over here is the first thing we purchased when we moved in,
04:36this table and chairs.
04:39You're not gonna...
04:40These, they're made from barrels?
04:43Get out of here.
04:44No, really.
04:46Oh, listen, you're gonna love this.
04:48Listen to this.
04:56That is great.
04:58Try.
04:59That's okay.
05:00No, no, try, try, try, try, try, try, try.
05:04Boy, that is fantastic.
05:06They don't make these anymore.
05:12Listen, Mr. DeChristopher...
05:20Mr. DeChristopher, I can't help noticing
05:22you seem upset at the prospect of selling your home.
05:25Oh, honey, no.
05:26No, honey, no.
05:27No, no, no, no.
05:28Well, it's just, uh, you cut the grass
05:31and you shovel the driveway
05:33and you pooper-scoop the lawn for 29 years
05:36because it's yours,
05:38and then...
05:39one day it isn't anymore.
05:41Boy, I know how you feel.
05:42To everything there is a season, okay, Frank?
05:45Turn, turn, turn.
05:51You see, folks,
05:52the time has come for us to move out of this house.
05:56Our children, Jennifer, Jessica, Chuckie,
05:59married, married, dancer,
06:01are all grown up.
06:04What do we need with three bedrooms?
06:06Three bedrooms.
06:07And besides, there's a little piece of heaven
06:09waiting for us in a town called Delray Beach, Florida.
06:13Oh, Florida.
06:16Please, don't start with the Florida bashing, okay?
06:20Frank is scared of Florida.
06:22He thinks Florida kills people.
06:25I'm just saying all the time
06:26you hear about people going there.
06:32But you never hear one word about them coming back.
06:38Florida is a state in the Union.
06:41How could a state in the Union kill people pathologically?
06:44What am I, a scientist?
06:46It's the sunshine state, for crying out loud.
06:49That's not sunshine.
06:50That's the white light you see before you die.
06:53All right, Frank, get your things.
06:56The Buckmans are waiting for us to leave.
06:59The Buckmans are waiting for us to leave them alone.
07:03Buckman?
07:04Uh-huh.
07:05That's the name you're going to put on the mailbox?
07:07I thought we might.
07:09And on the welcome mat, it's going to say,
07:11The Buckmans?
07:13Seems a natural thing to do.
07:14And when people drive by,
07:15someone in the car will say,
07:17Who lives there?
07:18And then someone else will say,
07:20The Buckmans?
07:22I don't know exactly what...
07:23My God!
07:24Frank!
07:26Mr. and Mrs. DeChristoforo, I just...
07:28I had a canary for lunch.
07:30Forgive me.
07:31I, um...
07:33I want to thank you both.
07:35It's so nice of you to let us have a trial night in the house.
07:38Let me tell you something.
07:39You two are good buyers.
07:41And a good buyer is hard to find.
07:44Nice of you to say.
07:45Thanks a lot.
07:46Frank?
07:48Oh...
07:51Oh, God!
07:56Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold!
07:58Oh, God!
08:04Okay.
08:05Guess where I have been.
08:07Where?
08:08The laundry room.
08:10I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.
08:12They have a room with nothing but a washer and a dryer
08:15waiting for us to use.
08:17Us and nobody else.
08:18You know, honey, this is the greatest thing.
08:20There's no quarters.
08:22There's no elevators.
08:23There's no Martin Glaser in his big boy pants.
08:26It's just so...
08:28I was so moved, I did a load of colors.
08:30They have washing machines in Manhattan, you know.
08:32No, it's not just the washing machine, don't you see?
08:35We own land now.
08:37We're landowners.
08:38Like the O'Harris in Gone With the Wind.
08:41It's a third of an acre.
08:43It's the rich red earth of Tara.
08:45Tara, Tara, Tara.
08:48Oh, it's so...
08:49Oh, it's brisk in here, too, huh?
08:50You need to go to the toilet.
08:51It's like peeing on a frozen lake.
08:54It's good for you.
08:55Good for you.
08:57Oh, look at that.
08:58What?
08:59A little spider on a wall.
09:00Ah, spider!
09:01Oh, cold!
09:02Oh, come here.
09:03Come here, little guy.
09:04Oh, kill it!
09:05Kill it and then set me on fire.
09:09You don't kill a spider.
09:10Spiders kill other insects.
09:11So, kill all of them.
09:12Kill them all.
09:13No, no, open the window.
09:14Oh, gladly.
09:15Ah!
09:16Colder still.
09:17Here you go, little guy.
09:18Yeah.
09:19Out into the world.
09:20Close the window.
09:21Okay, bye, spidey.
09:22Excuse me.
09:23Oh!
09:28Sorry, spidey.
09:36Listen to that.
09:37What?
09:38Exactly.
09:39It's so quiet.
09:40I never knew there was a world this quiet.
09:44An owl hoots.
09:49A dog barks happily.
09:59Chains are dragged violently across a floor.
10:02What the hell was that?
10:03I don't know.
10:08Okay, is it me or is the noise coming actually from inside the house?
10:11Like a belt.
10:12Let's go.
10:13What?
10:14Where?
10:15Let's go see what the noise is.
10:16Why?
10:17What do you mean why?
10:18So, there's chains being dragged violently across a floor.
10:21What is that our business?
10:24You want to just sit here and wait for the chains to come after us?
10:26Maybe they won't come after us.
10:27Maybe they'll just go away.
10:29No, but honey, this way we'll have the element of surprise.
10:31I don't want the element of surprise.
10:32I want the element of hiding under the bed.
10:34Go on.
10:35You hide under the bed.
10:36I'll go see what the noise is.
10:37No, no, no.
10:38No splitting up.
10:39That's what always happens in the movies.
10:40They split up and two minutes later I've got to find you with an axe in your head.
10:44Well, I wouldn't want to put you through that.
10:47We're not splitting up, I'm saying.
10:49So, come with me.
10:50Okay.
11:02Really?
11:03Yeah.
11:04You're going to hit an axe murderer with a trout?
11:07They hate that.
11:11Sure wish I had my pants.
11:17Intercom, intercom, intercom, intercom, intercom.
11:20Just go back and pick up my ovaries.
11:21All right.
11:30What is that now?
11:32I don't know.
11:33I don't know.
11:34I don't know.
11:35I don't know.
11:36I don't know.
11:37I don't know.
11:38I don't know.
11:39I don't know.
11:46It's like a voice.
11:48A voice?
11:49Oh, my God.
11:50A voice dragging chains and a moaning voice.
11:53What are you saying?
11:54That the house is haunted?
11:55Uh-huh.
12:00What is it saying?
12:02Have some peanut butter and jelly.
12:07Honey, we're looking for a ghost.
12:08I'm not going to stop and make a sentence.
12:09No, that's what the thing is saying, I think.
12:11Have some peanut butter and jelly.
12:13Have some peanut butter and jelly?
12:15Yeah.
12:16Well, what do you think it's saying?
12:22Go away, Paul and Jamie.
12:27Go away, Paul and Jamie.
12:31It's not saying that.
12:32Well, I'm calling 911.
12:33What are you going to do?
12:34Tell them that we're standing in our underwear with a trowel,
12:36looking for a ghost?
12:37I wish we were safely hidden under...
12:39No!
12:40Hey!
12:41Not a ghost!
12:42Not a ghost!
12:43Beethoven!
12:44Beethoven!
12:45See?
12:46Nice.
12:47Nice Beethoven.
12:48Nice Beethoven.
12:49I can't believe you did this!
12:50What?
12:51I can't believe you came up here to the North Pole
12:52and bought a house.
12:53A house!
12:54Without consulting me.
12:55I wanted it to be a surprise.
12:56It's not a birthday party.
12:57You don't throw somebody a surprise house.
12:58What happens to be a very expensive present,
13:00the least you could do is be a little more gracious about it,
13:02you know?
13:03I don't want to be here, Paul.
13:04I want to be in Manhattan,
13:05where you don't own land.
13:06You own cubic feet, 50 stories above the ground,
13:08like a normal person.
13:10Where all the ghosts have gone away.
13:12Where you don't walk...
13:13Shh!
13:14Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
13:16Wait a minute.
13:17What?
13:18The noise is coming from in there.
13:20Careful!
13:21Okay.
13:22Lead with your fish.
13:27Yeah!
13:31Okay, honey, come here.
13:33Here's your big, bad ghost.
13:38Had to do a little laundry?
13:40It was beckoning to me.
13:45And some quarters in a pocket from the porch.
13:48What are we gonna do about this?
13:50We shut it off mid-cycle, we take out the quarters.
13:53This.
13:54No, no, no.
13:55This.
13:56All of this.
13:58Well, we can still back out of the deal,
14:00if that's really what you want.
14:01What are you saying?
14:02This is really your idea of the perfect future?
14:04That's exactly what I'm saying.
14:06What are you saying?
14:07You have to have the city?
14:09Yes!
14:13Well, this is a chance for one of us
14:17to be a really big person.
14:19Yes, indeedy.
14:28Here.
14:40Let's buy the house.
14:43Seriously?
14:44Yes, let's buy the house.
14:48Why?
14:49Because it will make you happy,
14:50and when you're happy, I'm happy, so I'll be happy.
14:54You're a really...
14:55You're a big person.
14:56Yes, I am.
14:59You're a bigger person than I am.
15:01If you say so.
15:02I say so.
15:04It bothers me a little that you're a bigger person than I am,
15:07but you are.
15:08I know.
15:09Oh, thank you, thank you for letting me buy you this house.
15:11You're welcome.
15:12I won't forget it.
15:13Okay, I'm not gonna let you forget it.
15:15I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
15:17Oh, I love you, I love you so much.
15:19I love you, too.
15:20So guess what, this is our house.
15:22Yes, it is.
15:23This is Tara.
15:24It's Tara.
15:27Would you mind, then, if...
15:29if I carried you across the threshold?
15:32Of the laundry room?
15:34Would you mind?
15:36Okay.
15:39Would you mind if we just walk hand-in-hand across the floor?
15:44I'd like to welcome everyone to the closing of Escove No. 31,
15:47Sharon Drive, Irvington, New York.
15:50And we're very excited to be here.
15:52Mr. and Mrs. Buckman, I have in my hand here
15:54the transfer disclosure statement...
15:57All righty.
15:58...the title search...
15:59Okay.
16:00...and the wood-destroying pest and organisms inspection report...
16:02All right.
16:03...all of which require both of your signatures.
16:06Not a problem.
16:07Oh.
16:08Frank.
16:09There you go, sweetie.
16:10Okay, thanks.
16:11Oh.
16:12Frank.
16:13Oh.
16:16You good?
16:17Yeah.
16:18I have here the check for the down payment
16:21and a second check from the lender, Chase Manhattan Bank,
16:24for the balance of the purchase price.
16:27There it goes, sweetie.
16:28Bye-bye money.
16:30This is so exciting, isn't it?
16:31Yes.
16:32Yes, it is.
16:34Can I talk to you for a second?
16:35Sure.
16:36Folks, we'll be right back.
16:38Is everything all right?
16:39Oh, it's fine.
16:43Just give us one second.
16:45Oh.
16:47What is it? Are you okay?
16:48Yeah.
16:49What, are you nervous about spending the money?
16:51Well, yes, but no.
16:52What, you're worried we're getting in over our heads?
16:54Of course, but that's...
16:55You think we should have gone with the adjustable-rate mortgage?
16:59Probably, but that's not it.
17:00What, then?
17:02I changed my mind.
17:04If it's okay with you, I don't want to buy the house.
17:07Really? You love this house.
17:09Yeah, no, but not really.
17:10It's cold, and there are spiders,
17:12and I don't think that's real for Micah.
17:16You're lying.
17:17No, I'm not.
17:18You're lying through your teeth.
17:19No, I'm really not.
17:20I know. When you're lying, you're lying.
17:24All right, listen to me.
17:26If this is not your dream,
17:28then I don't want it to be my dream.
17:30I want us to find another dream,
17:32a beautiful dream that will be our dream.
17:35You know, your dream and my dream together.
17:38Okay?
17:41You couldn't let me be the bigger person, could you?
17:46What's that?
17:47I couldn't stand that I was able to step up
17:49and be the bigger person, whereas you...
17:50What are you talking about?
17:51You know, now, obviously, we can't live in the city either.
17:53Why not?
17:54Because you come in with a big gesture like this,
17:55you think I'm going to act like that kind of jerk?
17:57No, I don't...
17:58You would love that.
17:59Love what?
18:00And you could be the bigger person,
18:01and I would just be some...
18:02Okay, you know what? You're just...
18:03You're unstable.
18:04Pardon me?
18:05You are just...
18:06You are emotionally and mentally unwell.
18:08I mean, and by the way, a little transparent.
18:10What?
18:11Why don't you just admit it?
18:12You're upset because I got you a big, beautiful house...
18:14Oh, don't do it.
18:15...and you got me a tie!
18:16Oh, you went for the tie!
18:17That's what I'm saying.
18:18That is just the lowest of the low.
18:20Well, as you know, I'm not a big person.
18:22Clearly not.
18:23Well, Mr. Bachman, hurry up.
18:25We're running out of crap to talk about in here.
18:27Yeah.
18:30Look, why don't we just go deal with them now?
18:32Because we're going to need a good fight for the ride home anyway.
18:34What are we going to say to them?
18:35There are only 1,500 of these in the world.
18:39Half of them are in communist China.
18:41I have an idea.
18:42Just follow me.
18:47Okay.
18:48Sorry about that, everybody.
18:49Very sorry.
18:50Yeah.
18:53We were actually just discussing
18:54where we're going to put this beautiful barrel table
18:56when we move in.
18:58I'm sorry?
19:00The barrel table.
19:01What?
19:02What are you talking about?
19:03No, it looks great here in the living room,
19:05but I was thinking it might go terrifically in the kitchen
19:07or maybe even outside.
19:08Is it waterproof?
19:09Buddy.
19:11You're not getting the barrel table.
19:14What do you mean?
19:15This isn't a furniture store.
19:16You're buying the house.
19:17We're taking the barrel table.
19:18Ooh, ooh, boy.
19:20Uh, Mr. DeCristoforo,
19:22I was just under the impression
19:23that the barrel table came with the house.
19:25Well, that's a dopey impression.
19:29What did you think?
19:30You'd get the whole kit and caboodle,
19:31the car, the cat, Ramona?
19:32No, of course not.
19:33No, I thought so.
19:34Mr. Bachman, if you want the barrel table,
19:36you can have the barrel table.
19:37Well, thank you.
19:38Yeah, sure.
19:39What else do you want?
19:40The tchotchkes?
19:41The pictures of my nephew?
19:42Here, take my sweater.
19:43No, I don't want the sweater, Mr. DeCristoforo, please.
19:45All I want, I just want the barrel table.
19:47Frank, put your sweater on.
19:48It's not my sweater.
19:49Now it's his sweater.
19:50You're selling the man the sweater.
19:51I don't want the sweater.
19:52I don't want the sweater.
19:53What's the matter?
19:54You don't like the sweater?
19:55Well, it's a very nice sweater.
19:57Frank, take the sweater.
19:58Frank, give him the sweater.
19:59Ramona.
20:00You still have your cardigan.
20:02Look.
20:04The barrel table dies with me in Florida.
20:06Oh, really?
20:07Well, let me tell you something.
20:08If this doesn't stay, we go.
20:10Mr. Bachman, please sit down.
20:12Please don't tell him what to do.
20:13I have to say, I've never seen anything like this.
20:15Nor have I.
20:16Sit down.
20:17Sit down.
20:18You can sit down.
20:19Frank, sit down.
20:20I can't sit down.
20:21Watch me.
20:22It's easy.
20:23I know how to sit down.
20:24I'm just not sitting down.
20:26Well, if you're not going to sit down, I'll tell you this.
20:28I'm not sitting down either.
20:29No, me neither.
20:30Okay, you know what?
20:32I'm not standing and sitting.
20:37The barrel table is not part of the sale.
20:39Now, if you can't accept that, Mr. Bachman,
20:41I will call this deal off right here and now.
20:43Oh, God.
20:44Be still, Ramona.
20:49Mrs. DeCristoforo, I'm sorry.
20:51It really hurts me to say that I feel betrayed.
20:53I feel betrayed, and I'm indignant,
20:55and I cannot agree to that.
20:56I'm with him.
20:57Oh, my God.
20:58I'm sorry.
20:59I'm sorry.
21:00This deal is hereby unsolved, insolved, unresolved,
21:02and dissolved.
21:03Solved?
21:04I'm sorry.
21:05You can blow this deal over that table.
21:11So let it be written.
21:13So let it be done.
21:29So let it be done.
21:59So let it be done.
22:00So let it be done.