The best way to deal with toxic people || Acharya Prashant, with NIT-Calicut (2022)

Acharya Prashant

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Transcript

00:00Namaste Sir, I'm Shelly. My question is how to deal with the toxic people in our daily

00:09life and sometimes their behavior adds negativity and upset in my life and how to deal such

00:17situation and how to stay positive when we are when I'm dealing with such personalities.

00:24You are Shelly you said? Yes, Shelly. Shelly, how did you first of all manage to accommodate

00:32so many toxic people in your daily life? Like attracts like. My question to you is how did

00:42you first of all have so many toxic people gravitate to you? How did that happen? It's

00:49a miracle. Not so many Sir, one or two people they are always. Even those two people, how

00:57are they managing to stick around? Why are they still in your sensory or mental domain?

01:08Why do you see them? Why do you think of them? Because I can't avoid them. No, that's exactly

01:18what toxicity is. That's exactly what toxicity is. Something that cannot be avoided. That's

01:24everybody's apology and explanation. Just as you say you cannot avoid toxic people. Similarly,

01:32the toxic people say they cannot avoid being toxic. That's everybody's apology. Now, what do

01:39you do? Tell me. My problem is I'm always reacting them. You always? I'm always reacting

01:51them when they are manipulating, when they are judging. I used to think that I will be silent,

01:58but in some situation I can't. So I will. No, no, we need to stick to my question. Why are

02:06these people there in your life at all? They are my family members. So why do they need to

02:19be necessarily there in your life? Who told you that the family is bigger than everything else?

02:27You are not born to be a family woman. You are born to be liberated. Liberation is bigger than

02:38everything. Your gender, your identities, your roles, your relationships, all of these are

02:45subservient to your existential purpose. You do not exist to be a family member. You are born

02:57alone, you will die alone. What is this thing about family? The only thing that will remain

03:03with you is the height of consciousness you could reach. In fact, the ones who have known have told

03:13us that if you could reach great heights and even transcend the heights, those heights remain so

03:22much with you that even your death does not matter, you become immortal. Will the family remain with

03:31you always? They are already bothering you so much. Not everyone, but some people. Because

03:41just two days back, they are judging, manipulating and I can't control, so I reacted. But that

03:49affected me. You are not being fully willing to consider my question. If there are such people,

04:00what compulsion do you have to have interactions with them? Please tell me. And it is these

04:11compulsions that fuel the toxicity. If toxicity knows that it would be thrown out of the window,

04:21it would change its ways. But it does not mend itself because it knows it would be accommodated.

04:29Why do you accommodate it so much? And by accommodating it, are you doing yourself any

04:38good? Are you doing the other person any good? That person will continue to remain toxic. You

04:44will continue to suffer. You will continue to feel like a victim. He will continue to be himself.

04:53Who is gaining?

05:00Nobody is gaining, right? You know, what is the fundamental problem? This feeling of obligation,

05:08this feeling of compulsiveness, this feeling that you are indebted, that there is a great

05:17responsibility to bear all nonsense. And all of this arises from an ignorance of one's true nature.

05:29Since we do not know who we really are, therefore we

05:32take on all kinds of needless roles, responsibilities and identities.

05:38Every second lost to mischief is a second that you owed to your own inner progress.

05:53Every second lost to toxicity is a moment stolen away from its right utilization.

06:04Do you see what kind of loss that is?

06:11Also, remember, we are talking of just one side of the story. If we manage to bring

06:21those two so-called toxic people to this conversation, they will have their own tale to tell.

06:28Toxicity is not something necessarily present in a person.

06:33It breeds in an environment, not really in a person.

06:39And if it is there in an environment, there are many people responsible for it.

06:46Stop being one of those who are responsible for that toxicity.

06:52Stop being one of those who are responsible for that toxicity.

06:59You can support toxicity actively by displaying toxic behavior,

07:07or you can support toxicity passively by tolerating toxic behavior.

07:14Active or passive, support is support, is it not?

07:24And there is fun in portraying oneself as the victim of toxicity.

07:29We are not just victims of toxicity, we are supporters of toxicity.

07:33We are not just victims of toxicity, we are supporters of toxicity.

07:44Please understand,

07:49all these concepts that have been implanted in our minds,

07:54that cohesion is of prime importance, that

08:00staying together is of prime importance, that being

08:10a good-mannered and dainty girl, a woman, is of prime importance.

08:15These are junk principles.

08:28The real principles of life have never been taught to us.

08:34What really matters in life is not your good etiquette, but your deep wisdom.

08:45But wisdom is something we never respected, never quite cultivated with intent.

09:00Instead, we value a lot of other things, and those other things, they are actually valueless.

09:09We have just been taught to value them.

09:13Stop giving values to things that have none.

09:22Call a spade a spade.

09:26And it's not about being vindictive,

09:31being vindictive.

09:37It's not about retribution.

09:43In some sense, it is also about helping that other toxic person.

09:50Somebody has to call him out, and that need not be done with a lot of anger.

09:57That has to be done as an exercise in factfulness.

10:04Why not tell it to the other person that he or she is displaying sick behavior,

10:11that that person's behavior is adversely affecting

10:17the mental well-being of a lot of other people, at least one other person.

10:21And you do that honestly, and you do that without any violence.

10:29If the other person is his own well-wisher, he will listen to you.

10:37That must be your intention. And if he does not listen,

10:41then you cannot foist yourself on someone.

10:46People improve by their own consent.

10:52If you tell the right things to a person and he does not want to improve,

10:58you cannot force him to.

11:02That's not in your hands. But your own well-being is definitely in your hands.

11:07I repeat, there is no obligation, no responsibility to stay put in an environment

11:14or with people who adversely impact your mental health.

11:20Anything else?

11:22No, sir. Thank you, sir. Thank you so much.

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