- 9/4/2024
A regular girl, Veronica, tries to survive the social jungle of high school by sticking with the three most popular girls at school HD ( Comedy )
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Dear Diary, Heather told me she teaches people real life.
00:00:10She said, real life sucks losers dry.
00:00:13If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly.
00:00:17I said, so you teach people how to spread their wings and fly?
00:00:23She said yes.
00:00:24I said, you're beautiful.
00:00:27God, come on, Veronica.
00:00:30What is your damage, Heather?
00:00:32Don't blame me. Blame Heather.
00:00:33She told me to haul your ass into the caff pronto.
00:00:36Back me up, Heather.
00:00:38Yeah, she really wants to talk to you, Veronica.
00:00:41OK, I'm going.
00:00:42Jesus Christ.
00:00:54Hello, Heather.
00:00:56Veronica, finally.
00:00:59I got a note of Kurt Kelly's.
00:01:01I need you to forge a hot and horny,
00:01:02but realistically low key note in Kurt's handwriting,
00:01:05and we'll slip it onto Martha Dumpchuck's lunch tray.
00:01:08Shit, Heather, I don't have anything
00:01:09against Martha Dumpstock.
00:01:11You don't have anything for her either.
00:01:14Come on, it'll be very.
00:01:16The note will give her shower nozzle
00:01:18masturbation material for weeks.
00:01:23Think about it.
00:01:25Don't think.
00:01:33Veronica needs something to write on.
00:01:34Heather, bend over.
00:01:42Dear Martha, you're so sweet.
00:01:45I'm telling you, man, it would be so
00:01:46righteous to be in a Veronica Sawyer, Heather Chandler
00:01:49sandwich.
00:01:50Oh, hell yes.
00:01:52I want to get a Heather and put her on my Johnson's
00:01:54and start spinning around like a goddamn pinwheel.
00:01:57Punch it in.
00:02:25Westerberg feeds the world.
00:02:27Come on, people, let's give that leftover lunch money
00:02:29to people who don't have lunches.
00:02:30Those tater tots you threw away.
00:02:32God, aren't they bad yet?
00:02:35Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?
00:02:37Oh, sure, pilgrims, Indians, tater tots.
00:02:41It's a real party continent.
00:02:42Sawyer, guess what today is.
00:02:45Ouch.
00:02:46Lunchtime poll?
00:02:48So what's the question?
00:02:49Yeah, so what's the question, Heather?
00:02:51Goddamn, Heather, you were with me in study hall
00:02:53when I thought of it.
00:02:55I forgot.
00:02:57Such a pillowcase.
00:03:01This wouldn't be that bizarre thing
00:03:03you were babbling about over the phone last night, would it?
00:03:06Of course it is.
00:03:09I told Dennis if he gives me another political topic,
00:03:11I'd spew burrito chunks.
00:03:22Oh, Veronica, I'm sorry.
00:03:26Betty Finn, gosh.
00:03:28Hey, I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday
00:03:29party last month.
00:03:31It's OK.
00:03:32Your mom said you had a big date.
00:03:34I'd probably miss my own birthday for a date.
00:03:37Don't say that.
00:03:38You know what?
00:03:39I was looking around the other day,
00:03:40and I dug up these old photographs.
00:03:45Oh, they're great.
00:03:48Come on, Veronica.
00:03:49I was talking to somebody.
00:03:58Oh, great.
00:03:59It was Heather.
00:04:01Oh, shit.
00:04:03Hi, Courtney.
00:04:04Love your card again.
00:04:06Thanks.
00:04:07I just got a last line delimited.
00:04:09Like, totally blew my allowance.
00:04:12Now, check this out.
00:04:14You win $5 million from the publisher's sweepstakes.
00:04:17And the same day that big head guy gives you the check,
00:04:20aliens land on the Earth and say they're going
00:04:22to blow up the world in two days.
00:04:24What do you do?
00:04:26That's easy.
00:04:28I just slide that wad over to my father,
00:04:31because he is, like, one of the top brokers in the state.
00:04:33If I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless.
00:04:38Every cent.
00:04:40You're beautiful.
00:04:42If you're going to openly be a bitch.
00:04:44It's just Heather.
00:04:45Why can't we talk to different kinds of people?
00:04:47Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
00:04:49Do I look like Mother Teresa?
00:04:51If I did, I probably wouldn't mind
00:04:53talking to the geek squad.
00:04:57Did you see that?
00:04:59Heather, number one, just looked right at me.
00:05:02Does it not bother you that everybody in this school
00:05:04thinks that you're a piranha?
00:05:06Like I give a shit.
00:05:11They all want me as a friend or a fucker.
00:05:14I'm worshiped at Westerburg, and I'm only a junior.
00:05:27I can't believe this.
00:05:28We're going to a party at Remington University tonight,
00:05:31and we're brushing up on our conversational skills
00:05:34with the scum of the school.
00:05:38Hi.
00:05:40Hi.
00:05:42So this is what's called a lunchtime poll.
00:05:46You win $5 million in the publisher's sweepstakes.
00:05:49And the same day that What's-His-Face
00:05:51gives you the check, aliens land on Earth
00:05:53and say they're going to blow up the world in two days.
00:05:56What are you going to do with the money?
00:05:58I'd go to Egypt with a girl.
00:06:02I'd use the money for an end of the world get together.
00:06:05I'd pay about a million bucks to sit on my face
00:06:07and have a ride like the Kentucky Derby.
00:06:10It's got to be the most spooky-ass question I ever heard.
00:06:13All right, this is important.
00:06:14After taxes are only beginning, she should pay me, though.
00:06:18You go to the zoo, and you get a lion.
00:06:20And then you put a remote-controlled bomb
00:06:22up its butt.
00:06:22And then there's social security, legal fees.
00:06:25You push the button on the bomb, and you and the lion
00:06:28die like one.
00:06:30What?
00:06:31You did it.
00:06:37Oh my god.
00:06:38Here we go.
00:06:57Oh my god.
00:07:01Ah!
00:07:02Ah!
00:07:03Ah!
00:07:04Ah!
00:07:05Ah!
00:07:06Ah!
00:07:06Ah!
00:07:07Ah!
00:07:08Ah!
00:07:09Ah!
00:07:10Ah!
00:07:11Ah!
00:07:12Ah!
00:07:13Ah!
00:07:14Ah!
00:07:15Ah!
00:07:15Ah!
00:07:16Ah!
00:07:17Ah!
00:07:18Ah!
00:07:19Ah!
00:07:20Ah!
00:07:21Hi, Veronica.
00:07:22Five keeps the neighborhood alive.
00:07:24You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school.
00:07:27If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.
00:07:31Come on, Veronica.
00:07:33You used to have a sense of humor.
00:07:38Veronica, could you come back here a minute?
00:07:42True friend's work is never done.
00:07:45Gross.
00:07:47Grow up, Heather.
00:07:48Bulimia's so 87.
00:07:50You know, maybe you should see a doctor.
00:07:53Yeah, maybe.
00:07:55Come on, Heather.
00:07:56Let's take another look at today's lunch.
00:08:13God, Veronica Drolmuch?
00:08:16His name is Jason Drolmuch.
00:08:19His name is Jason Dean.
00:08:21He's in my American history.
00:08:34Hello, Jason Dean.
00:08:36Greetings and salutations.
00:08:40You a Heather?
00:08:42No.
00:08:43I'm a Veronica Sawyer.
00:08:46This may seem like a really stupid question.
00:08:49There are no stupid questions.
00:08:53You inherit $5 million the same day aliens land on the Earth
00:08:57and say they're going to blow it up in two days.
00:09:00What do you do?
00:09:03That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.
00:09:07Who's that guy in the coat think he is anyways?
00:09:10Bo Diddley.
00:09:12Veronica's into his act, no doubt.
00:09:14Yeah, I don't know.
00:09:15Probably row out to the middle of a lake somewhere,
00:09:17bring along a bottle of tequila, my sacks, and some Bach.
00:09:24How very.
00:09:28Come on, Veronica.
00:09:32Later.
00:09:34Definitely.
00:09:39Let's kick his ass.
00:09:40Shit, Ram.
00:09:41We're seniors, man.
00:09:42We're too old for that kind of crap.
00:09:45Let's give him a good scare, though.
00:09:53You're going to eat this?
00:09:54And what did your boyfriend say when you told him
00:09:56you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?
00:09:59Answer him, dick.
00:10:01Hey, Ram.
00:10:02Doesn't this cafeteria have a no fags allowed rule?
00:10:05Well, yeah.
00:10:06They seem to have an open door policy.
00:10:09What did you say, dickhead?
00:10:11I'll repeat myself.
00:10:17God, they won't expel him.
00:10:19They'll just suspend him for a week or something.
00:10:22He used a real gun.
00:10:24They should throw his ass in jail.
00:10:26No way.
00:10:27He used blanks.
00:10:29All JD really did was ruin his life.
00:10:31I don't know.
00:10:32I don't know.
00:10:33I don't know.
00:10:34I don't know.
00:10:35I don't know.
00:10:36I don't know.
00:10:37All JD really did was ruin two pairs of pants.
00:10:40Maybe not even that.
00:10:42Can you bleach out urine stains?
00:10:45You seem pretty amused.
00:10:47I thought you had given up on high school guys.
00:10:50Never say never.
00:10:55So what are you going to do, Heather?
00:10:57Take the two shots or send me out?
00:11:01Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?
00:11:04First, you ask if you can be read.
00:11:07Knowing that I'm always read.
00:11:13Shit.
00:11:16It's your turn, Heather.
00:11:24Easy shot, Heather.
00:11:26No way, no day.
00:11:28Give it up, girl.
00:11:38Holy shit.
00:11:39God, that was incredible.
00:11:44So tonight's the night.
00:11:45Are you two excited?
00:11:48I'm giving Veronica her shot, her first Remington party.
00:11:52You blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers
00:11:55with kids all next year.
00:12:08Why?
00:12:11Why not?
00:12:13Heather, your mother's here.
00:12:15Come on, whoever wants a ride.
00:12:20Bye.
00:12:20Bye.
00:12:21Bye.
00:12:22Bye.
00:12:24Hey, take a break.
00:12:25Veronica, sit down.
00:12:28So what was the first week of spring vacation withdrawal like?
00:12:33I don't know.
00:12:34It was OK, I guess.
00:12:35Hey, kid, isn't the prom coming up?
00:12:39I guess.
00:12:40Any contestants worth mentioning?
00:12:43Maybe.
00:12:44There's kind of a dark horse in the running.
00:12:48God damn, won't somebody tell me
00:12:50why I read these spy novels.
00:12:53Because you're an idiot.
00:12:55Oh, yeah, that's it.
00:12:57You too.
00:12:59It's a great pate, but I got a motor if I want to be
00:13:02ready for that party tonight.
00:13:06Corn nuts.
00:13:09BQ or plain?
00:13:10BQ.
00:13:15You going to pull a super chug with that?
00:13:20No, but if you're nice, I'll let you buy me a slushie.
00:13:25I see you know your convenience speak pretty well.
00:13:28Yeah, well, I've been moved around all my life.
00:13:32Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas, Sherwood, Ohio.
00:13:39There's always been a snappy snack shack.
00:13:41Any town, any time.
00:13:43Pop a ham and cheese in the microwave
00:13:45and feast on a turbo dog.
00:13:48Keeps me sane.
00:13:51Really?
00:13:55That thing you pulled in the calf today was pretty severe.
00:13:59Yeah, well, the extreme always seems to make an impression.
00:14:07Did you say cherry or Coke slushie?
00:14:10I didn't.
00:14:11Cherry.
00:14:19Great bike.
00:14:21Yeah.
00:14:23Just a humble perk for my dad's construction company.
00:14:27Seen the commercial, right?
00:14:28Bringing every state to a higher state.
00:14:31Wait a minute.
00:14:32Jason Dean, your pop's big bud Dean Construction?
00:14:36Must be rough moving place to place.
00:14:39Everybody's life has got static.
00:14:42Is your life perfect?
00:14:43Oh, yeah, I'm on my way to a party at Remington University.
00:14:50No, my life's not perfect.
00:14:53I don't really like my friends.
00:14:55Yeah, I, uh, I don't really like your friends, either.
00:15:00Well, it's just like there are people I work with
00:15:04and our job is being popular and shit.
00:15:08Maybe it's time to take a vacation.
00:15:12Hello, ladies.
00:15:21Throw your coats on the floor.
00:15:23Uh, Veronica, this is Brett.
00:15:26Excellent.
00:15:27Did you girls bring your partying slippers, huh?
00:15:30Let's party.
00:15:32She loves to party.
00:15:34Dear diary, I want to kill
00:15:42and you have to believe it's for more than just selfish reasons.
00:15:45More than just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.
00:15:48You have to believe me.
00:15:50It's so great to be able to talk to a girl
00:15:53and not have to ask what's your major.
00:15:54I hate that.
00:15:56So, when you go to college,
00:16:05what subjects do you think you study?
00:16:07Come on, David, shouldn't we get back to the party?
00:16:13We will.
00:16:14It's just so hot tonight.
00:16:17I can't control myself.
00:16:27Oh, Christ, I can't explain it,
00:16:33but I'm allowed an understanding
00:16:35that my parents and these Remington University assholes
00:16:37have chosen to ignore.
00:16:39I understand that I must stop Heather.
00:16:56How's my little cheerleader, huh?
00:17:18Oh, I know everyone at your high school
00:17:24isn't so uptight.
00:17:26Come on.
00:17:27Come on, Alec, I don't feel so good, okay?
00:17:29Hey, let's do it on the coach.
00:17:30It'll be excellent, huh?
00:17:32You know, I have a little prepared speech
00:17:34I tell my suitor
00:17:35when he wants more than I'd like to give him.
00:17:37Gee, Blake, I had a really nice...
00:17:39Save the speeches for Malcolm X.
00:17:43I just want to get laid.
00:17:47You don't deserve my fucking speech.
00:17:51Betty Finn was a true friend
00:17:53and I sold her out for a bunch of swatched dogs
00:17:55and Diet Coke heads.
00:17:57Killing Heather would be like
00:17:58offing the Wicked Witch of the West.
00:18:00Wait, East-West?
00:18:01God, I sound like a fucking psycho.
00:18:15What's your damage?
00:18:16Brett says you're being a real coos.
00:18:18Heather, I feel really sick,
00:18:20like I'm gonna throw up,
00:18:21so can we please jam now?
00:18:22No.
00:18:23Hell no.
00:18:36Tomorrow, I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass,
00:18:39but tonight,
00:18:40let me dream of a world without Heather,
00:18:43a world where I am free.
00:18:52You stupid fuck.
00:18:55You goddamn bitch.
00:18:57You were nothing before you met me.
00:18:59You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn.
00:19:02You were a bluebird.
00:19:04You were a brownie.
00:19:05You were a Girl Scout cookie.
00:19:08I got you into a Remington party.
00:19:10What's my thanks?
00:19:12It's on the hallway carpet.
00:19:14I got peed in puke.
00:19:16Lick it up, baby.
00:19:18Lick it up.
00:19:21Monday morning, your history.
00:19:23I'll tell everyone about tonight.
00:19:25Transfer to Washington.
00:19:27Transfer to Jefferson.
00:19:29No one at Westerberg's gonna let you
00:19:31play their reindeer games.
00:19:39Dreadful etiquette.
00:19:40I apologize.
00:19:43It's okay.
00:19:46I saw the croquet set up in the back.
00:19:49You up for a match?
00:20:01Mmm.
00:20:03Thank you.
00:20:04That was my, uh...
00:20:06first game of strip croquet.
00:20:09You're welcome.
00:20:11It's a lot more interesting
00:20:13than just flinging off your clothes
00:20:15and boning away on a neighbor's swing set.
00:20:17I don't know.
00:20:18There's a lot to be said for throwing off your...
00:20:20Ow!
00:20:24What a night.
00:20:26What a life.
00:20:28They wanted to move me into high school
00:20:30out of the sixth grade
00:20:32because I was supposed to be this big genius.
00:20:34And then we decided to chuck the idea
00:20:36because I'd have trouble making friends,
00:20:38blah, blah, blah.
00:20:40Now, blah, blah, blah is all I do.
00:20:42I use my grand I.Q.
00:20:44to decide what color gloss to wear
00:20:46and how to hit three keggers before a curfew.
00:20:57Heather Chandler is one bitch
00:20:59that deserves to die.
00:21:01Killing her won't solve anything.
00:21:04I say we just grow up,
00:21:06be adults, and die.
00:21:10Before that,
00:21:12I'd like to see
00:21:14Heather Chandler puke her guts out.
00:21:16Oh.
00:21:21Trust me.
00:21:23She skips the Saturday morning trip to Grandma's
00:21:25even when she's not hungover.
00:21:27Then we'll just concoct ourselves
00:21:29a little hangover cure
00:21:31that'll, uh, induce her
00:21:33to spew red, white, and blue, then.
00:21:35Trust me.
00:21:37What about, like, milk and orange juice?
00:21:39What's the upchuck factor on that?
00:21:41I'm a no-rest-build-up man myself.
00:21:44Don't be a dick.
00:21:46Stuff will kill her.
00:21:49I know.
00:21:51We can cook up some soup
00:21:53and put it in a Coke.
00:21:55That's pretty sick, eh?
00:21:57Now, should it be chicken noodle
00:21:59or bean with bacon?
00:22:01Put a lid on that stuff.
00:22:03You say we go with big blue here.
00:22:05Keep talking about it.
00:22:07She would never drink anything
00:22:09that looked like that anyway.
00:22:11You know what?
00:22:13I don't know.
00:22:15She would never drink anything
00:22:17that looked like that anyway.
00:22:19So we'll, uh, put it in this.
00:22:21She won't be able to see
00:22:23what she's drinking.
00:22:25Let me get a cup, jerk.
00:22:31Okay.
00:22:33Milk and orange juice.
00:22:35Hmm.
00:22:37Well, maybe we could, like,
00:22:39cough up a phlegm glob or something.
00:22:41Mm.
00:22:43Ahem.
00:22:45Ahem.
00:22:47Ahem.
00:22:49Ahem.
00:22:51No.
00:22:53Oh, well.
00:22:55Milk and orange juice will do quite nicely.
00:22:57Mm.
00:22:59Chicken?
00:23:01You're not funny.
00:23:09Sorry.
00:23:13Ahem.
00:23:27Uh, Veronica?
00:23:29What?
00:23:31Uh, never mind.
00:23:33I'll, uh, carry the cup.
00:23:39Morning, Heather.
00:23:43Veronica.
00:23:45And Jesse James.
00:23:47Cal said, please.
00:23:49Hear about Veronica's affection
00:23:51for regurgitation?
00:23:53Heather, I think last night we boasted
00:23:55a lot of stuff we didn't mean.
00:23:57Did we?
00:23:59How the hell did you get in here?
00:24:01Um, Veronica knew you'd have a hangover,
00:24:03so, uh,
00:24:05I whipped this up for you.
00:24:07It's a family recipe.
00:24:09What'd you do, put a phlegm glob in it or something?
00:24:11I'm not gonna drink that piss.
00:24:13I knew this stuff would be too intense for her.
00:24:17Intense?
00:24:19Grow up.
00:24:21You think I'll drink it
00:24:23just because you call me chicken?
00:24:29Just give me the cup, jerk.
00:24:41Oh.
00:24:49Corn nuts.
00:25:07Oh, my God.
00:25:09I can't believe it.
00:25:11I just killed
00:25:13my best friend.
00:25:15And your worst enemy.
00:25:17Same difference.
00:25:27What are we gonna tell the cops?
00:25:31What, fucking if she can't take
00:25:33a joke, Sarge?
00:25:35Oh, God.
00:25:37I can't believe this is my life.
00:25:39Oh, my God.
00:25:43I'm gonna have to send my SAT scores
00:25:45to San Quentin instead of Stanford.
00:25:49Oh.
00:25:51All right, I'm just a little freaked here.
00:25:55At least you got what you wanted, you know?
00:25:57Got what I wanted?
00:25:59It is one thing to want
00:26:01somebody out of your life. It is another thing
00:26:03to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid trainer.
00:26:07Oh.
00:26:31All right, we, uh, we did a murder.
00:26:33And that's a crime.
00:26:35But, uh,
00:26:37this were like a suicide thing,
00:26:39you know?
00:26:43Like a suicide thing?
00:26:45Yeah.
00:26:47I mean, uh,
00:26:49hey, you can do Heather's handwriting
00:26:51as well as your own, right?
00:26:53Right?
00:27:01Yeah.
00:27:03Well...
00:27:05you might think
00:27:07what I've done is shocking.
00:27:09Yeah.
00:27:13Um...
00:27:15to me, though,
00:27:17suicide is the natural answer
00:27:19to the myriad of problems life has given me.
00:27:21That's good,
00:27:23but Heather would never use the word myriad.
00:27:25This is the last thing she'll ever write.
00:27:27She's gonna want to cash in
00:27:29on as many 50-cent words as possible.
00:27:31Yeah, but she missed myriad on the vocab test
00:27:33two weeks ago.
00:27:35That only proves my point more.
00:27:37The word is a badge for her failures at school.
00:27:39Oh.
00:27:41Okay, you're probably right.
00:27:43Um...
00:27:45people think
00:27:47just because you're beautiful
00:27:49and popular
00:27:51life
00:27:53is easy and fun.
00:27:55Yeah.
00:27:57No one understood
00:27:59I had
00:28:01feelings, too.
00:28:05I'd die knowing
00:28:07no one knew the real me.
00:28:11You just could.
00:28:13Have you done this before?
00:28:19Any other principal
00:28:21would take the same position,
00:28:23keep things business as usual.
00:28:25Heather Channel is not your everyday suicide.
00:28:27She's very popular.
00:28:29Come on, Paul. If I let these kids out before lunch,
00:28:31the switchboard would light up like a Christmas tree.
00:28:33I must say I was impressed
00:28:35to see that she made proper use
00:28:37of the word myriad in her suicide note.
00:28:39I find it
00:28:41profoundly disturbing
00:28:43that we're told of the tragic destruction
00:28:45of youth
00:28:47and all we can think to talk about is
00:28:49adequate morning times
00:28:51and misused vocabulary words?
00:28:53Oh, Christ.
00:28:55I must revel in this revealing moment.
00:28:57Look,
00:28:59I suggest that we get everybody together,
00:29:01both students and teachers,
00:29:03in the cafeteria and just
00:29:05talk
00:29:07and feel
00:29:09together.
00:29:11Thank you, Miss Fleming. You call me when the shuttle lands.
00:29:13Now, is this Heather
00:29:15the cheerleader?
00:29:17That would be Heather McNamara.
00:29:19Damn. I'd be willing to go
00:29:21half a day for a cheerleader.
00:29:23God, it's unfair.
00:29:25It's just so unfair.
00:29:27We should get off a whole week, not just an hour.
00:29:29Write the school board.
00:29:31Watch it, Heather.
00:29:33You might be digesting food there.
00:29:35Yeah, where's your urge to purge?
00:29:37Fuck it.
00:29:39Look.
00:29:41Heather left behind
00:29:43one of her swatches.
00:29:47She'd want you to have it, Veronica.
00:29:49She always said
00:29:51you couldn't accessorize for shit.
00:29:53Sorry to hear
00:29:55about your friend.
00:29:57Thought she was your usual airhead bitch.
00:29:59Guess I was wrong.
00:30:01We all were.
00:30:05What a waste.
00:30:07Mother humanity.
00:30:17Veronica?
00:30:21Veronica?
00:30:27Veronica?
00:30:29What are you doing?
00:30:41I'm just so
00:30:43thrilled
00:30:45to finally
00:30:47have an example of the profound sensitivity
00:30:49of which a human animal is capable.
00:30:51That example
00:30:53is Heather Chandler.
00:30:55I have her note.
00:30:59Now, I'm gonna pass this note around
00:31:01the class so you can all feel
00:31:03its pathetic beauty for yourself.
00:31:07And while we do this,
00:31:09I think it's a good opportunity to share the
00:31:11feelings
00:31:13that this suicide has spurred
00:31:15in all of us.
00:31:17Who would like to begin?
00:31:19I heard it was really gnarly.
00:31:21She sucked down a bowl of multipurpose
00:31:23deodorizing disinfectant and then
00:31:25smashed! Uh, now, Tracy,
00:31:27let's not rehash the coroner's report.
00:31:29Let's talk emotions.
00:31:31Um,
00:31:33Heather and I used to go out,
00:31:35but she said I was boring.
00:31:37But now I realize I really wasn't boring.
00:31:39It's just that she was
00:31:41dissatisfied with her life.
00:31:44That's
00:31:46very good, Peter.
00:31:55Are we gonna be tested on this?
00:31:57You know,
00:31:59we weren't the same size, so sometimes we could
00:32:01borrow each other's clothes and mix it up.
00:32:03It was fun.
00:32:05I remember I won her, um,
00:32:07a rhino at the 4-H club.
00:32:09Oh, you're an asshole. Mute him.
00:32:11You know, we liked
00:32:13the same kind of clothes. Heather, how many networks
00:32:15did you run to? We liked a lot of the same things.
00:32:17It's just not gonna be the same here without her.
00:32:19What are you talking about? You hated her.
00:32:21She hated you. Every English
00:32:23class, I look forward to seeing her.
00:32:25Heather Chandler's
00:32:27more popular than ever now.
00:32:29Scary
00:32:31stuff. Yeah.
00:32:35Hey, son. I didn't hear you come in.
00:32:37Hey, Dad.
00:32:39How was work today?
00:32:43It was
00:32:45miserable.
00:32:47Some damn tribe of withered old bitches
00:32:49doesn't want us to terminate that
00:32:51Fleabag Hotel.
00:32:53All because Glenn Miller and his band
00:32:55once took a shit there.
00:32:57Just like Kansas.
00:32:59You remember fucking Kansas?
00:33:01Yeah, that was the one with the weed, right?
00:33:03Save the Memorial
00:33:05Oak Tree Society.
00:33:07Showed those fucks.
00:33:09Yeah, 30 of those
00:33:11Fourth of July fireworks attached to the trunk.
00:33:13A reign but acquitted.
00:33:15Gosh, Pop.
00:33:17I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend.
00:33:19Oh.
00:33:21Veronica is my dad.
00:33:23Dad Veronica. Hi.
00:33:27Son, why don't you ask your little friend
00:33:29to stay for dinner?
00:33:31I can't. Uh, my mom's
00:33:33making my favorite meal tonight.
00:33:35Spaghetti. Lots of oregano.
00:33:37How nice.
00:33:39Last time I saw my mom, she was
00:33:41waving from a library window in Texas.
00:33:43Right, Dad?
00:33:45Right.
00:33:49Son.
00:33:51Right.
00:33:57Hey, take a break, Veronica. Sit down.
00:34:01So, what was the
00:34:03first day after Heather's suicide like?
00:34:05I don't know. It was okay,
00:34:07I guess.
00:34:09Terrible thing.
00:34:11So, will we get to meet this
00:34:13dark horse prom contender?
00:34:15Maybe.
00:34:17God damn, will somebody
00:34:19tell me why I smoke these damn things?
00:34:21Because you're an idiot.
00:34:25Oh, yeah, that's it.
00:34:27You, too.
00:34:29Great, Pate, but I'm going to have to motor
00:34:31because I want to be ready for that funeral.
00:34:37I blame not
00:34:39Heather, but rather
00:34:41a society
00:34:43that tells its youth
00:34:45that the answers can be
00:34:47found in the MTV
00:34:49video games.
00:34:51We must pray
00:34:53that the other teenagers of Sherwood,
00:34:55Ohio, know the name
00:34:57of that righteous
00:34:59dude who can solve
00:35:01their problems.
00:35:03It's Jesus Christ,
00:35:05and he's in the book.
00:35:15Oh, God, this is
00:35:17a tragic thing, and sometimes
00:35:19I have a hard time dealing with it and stuff.
00:35:21Please send Heather to heaven and all that.
00:35:23Dear God, please make
00:35:25sure this never happens to me, because I don't think
00:35:27I can handle suicide.
00:35:29Fast early acceptance into an Ivy League school, and please
00:35:31let it be Harvard. Amen.
00:35:33Jesus, God in heaven,
00:35:35why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?
00:35:37It's a joke, man.
00:35:39Jeez, people are so
00:35:41serious. Hail Mary,
00:35:43who art in heaven. Pray for all the sinners
00:35:45so we don't get caught.
00:35:47Another joke, man.
00:35:49I prayed for the death of
00:35:51Heather Chandler many times, and I
00:35:53felt bad every time I did it, but I kept doing it
00:35:55anyway.
00:35:57Now I know you understood everything.
00:35:59Praise Jesus.
00:36:01Hallelujah.
00:36:03Hi. I'm sorry.
00:36:05Technically, I did not kill
00:36:07Heather Chandler, but hey,
00:36:09who am I trying to kid, right?
00:36:11I just want my high school
00:36:13to be a nice place.
00:36:15Amen.
00:36:17Did that sound bitchy?
00:36:19Veronica!
00:36:21What are you doing tonight?
00:36:23I don't know.
00:36:25Morning. Maybe watch some TV.
00:36:27Why?
00:36:29Well, Ram
00:36:31asked me out tonight,
00:36:33but he wants to
00:36:35double with Kurt,
00:36:37and Kurt doesn't have a date.
00:36:39Heather, I have something
00:36:41going with J.D.
00:36:43Please, Veronica, put Billy the Kid on hold tonight.
00:36:45He's your best friend.
00:36:47So,
00:36:49are we on a nightmare or what?
00:36:51I don't know.
00:36:53Still got to talk to Heather, dude.
00:36:55Weird funeral, huh?
00:36:57That puddwapper
00:36:59just stepped on my foot.
00:37:01Let's kick his ass.
00:37:03Pull off.
00:37:05We're seniors.
00:37:07Goddamn geek.
00:37:09Ah, well,
00:37:11sit and spin.
00:37:13You know,
00:37:15sit and spin.
00:37:17That little prick.
00:37:31You piece of shit bag.
00:37:33You like to suck big dicks?
00:37:35Say I like to suck big dicks.
00:37:37Leave him alone, Ram.
00:37:39Ow!
00:37:41Say it!
00:37:45Say it!
00:37:47Okay, okay.
00:37:49You like to suck big dicks.
00:37:51Ow!
00:37:53Ow!
00:37:55Ow!
00:37:57I like to suck big dicks.
00:37:59Mm!
00:38:01Mm!
00:38:03I can't get enough of them.
00:38:05Are you satisfied?
00:38:07Don't worry. Ram's been so sweet lately,
00:38:09consoling me and stuff.
00:38:11It'll be really very.
00:38:13Promise.
00:38:15Okay, just as long as it's not gonna be
00:38:17one of those nights where they get shit-faced
00:38:19and take us to a pasture to tip cows.
00:38:27Is he sleeping, dude?
00:38:29I think so, man.
00:38:31Shit.
00:38:33Come here.
00:38:35Oh, shit.
00:38:37Cow tipping's the fucking greatest.
00:38:39Punch his head.
00:38:41Ow!
00:38:43Oh, shit.
00:38:45Count to three, guy.
00:38:47One...
00:38:49Two...
00:38:51Three!
00:39:01When I get that feeling,
00:39:03I need sexual healing.
00:39:05Yeah, right, asshole.
00:39:11What is this shit?
00:39:19I'm doing a favor for Heather.
00:39:21Double date.
00:39:23I tried to tell you at the funeral,
00:39:25but you wrote off.
00:39:27Motherfucking Heather.
00:39:31I'm sorry.
00:39:33I'm, uh, just feeling a little superior tonight.
00:39:37Seven schools in seven states
00:39:39and the only thing different
00:39:41is my locker combination.
00:39:45Our love is God.
00:39:49Let's go get a slushie.
00:40:01I'm not belittling the Foodless Fund, Peter.
00:40:03It's just that we're talking teen suicide here.
00:40:05I mean, ask Allison.
00:40:07The number-one song in America today
00:40:09is Teenage Suicide Don't Do It by Big Funk.
00:40:11Jesus, man, Westerberg finally got one of these things,
00:40:13and I'm not gonna blow it.
00:40:15Great.
00:40:17So Heather gets the front page
00:40:19and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.
00:40:21Hi, guys.
00:40:23Came to check up on this week's lunchtime pool topic.
00:40:25Hey, don't worry about it, Veronica.
00:40:27Sit down, huh?
00:40:29That funeral yesterday
00:40:31must have really been rough, huh?
00:40:33Oh, yeah.
00:40:35We were wondering
00:40:37if you had any poems,
00:40:39artwork that Heather did
00:40:41that we can put in the Heather Chandler yearbook spread.
00:40:43What?
00:40:45Take a look.
00:40:47It's a two-page layout
00:40:49with her suicide note right up here in the corner.
00:40:53It's more tasteful than it sounds.
00:40:55I don't know, Dennis.
00:40:57This stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
00:40:59Like last night, Veronica?
00:41:01Excuse me?
00:41:03I don't get it.
00:41:05Oh, you did last night.
00:41:07Kurt told us of your little date.
00:41:09Yeah, and?
00:41:11I left him drunk and flailing in cow shit.
00:41:13Well, I don't know.
00:41:15He was really detailed.
00:41:17Shut up, Courtney.
00:41:19No, don't shut up.
00:41:21I'd like to know exactly what I did.
00:41:23Come on, Veronica.
00:41:25I'll show you the lunchtime pool topic.
00:41:27What the fuck?
00:41:29Okay, now, I rarely listen to Neanderthals
00:41:31like Kurt Kelly,
00:41:33but he said that he and Ram
00:41:35had a nice little sword fight
00:41:37in your mouth last night.
00:41:39You know what I mean?
00:41:41Ew!
00:41:43That son of a bitch!
00:41:45Hi, Kurt.
00:41:47Hi, this is Veronica Sawyer.
00:41:49Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling you.
00:41:51Yeah, I didn't, either.
00:41:53I'm sorry.
00:41:55Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling, either.
00:41:57I guess my emotions took over.
00:41:59Yeah, I was wondering
00:42:01if you wanted all those things
00:42:03you've been saying to really happen.
00:42:05It's always been a fantasy of mine
00:42:07to have two guys at once.
00:42:09I'm sure you can write to Penthouse for him.
00:42:13Yeah, in the woods behind the school.
00:42:15At dawn.
00:42:17Don't forget Ram.
00:42:26I don't get the point
00:42:28of me writing a suicide note
00:42:30when we're just gonna be shooting them with blanks.
00:42:32Well, we're not gonna be using blanks this time.
00:42:37You can't be serious.
00:42:39Yeah?
00:42:41Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.
00:42:43Wait a second, wait a second.
00:42:45Do you take German?
00:42:47French.
00:42:49All right. These are Ich Luge bullets.
00:42:51My grandfather snared a shitload of them
00:42:53back in WWII.
00:42:55They're like tranquilizers,
00:42:57only they break the surface of the skin
00:42:59enough to cause a little blood
00:43:01but no real damage.
00:43:03So it looks like the person's been shot and killed,
00:43:05and really they're just lying there
00:43:07unconscious and bleeding?
00:43:09Ooh.
00:43:11Right.
00:43:13See, we shoot Kurt and Ram,
00:43:15make it look like they shot each other,
00:43:17and by the time they regain consciousness,
00:43:19they'll be the laughingstock of the whole school.
00:43:22Now, the notes, the punchline,
00:43:24how'd that turn out?
00:43:26First tell me the similarity is not incredible.
00:43:30Incredible similarity.
00:43:32Hmm.
00:43:34Okay.
00:43:38Ram and I died the day we realized
00:43:40we could never reveal our forbidden love
00:43:42to an uncaring and ununderstanding world.
00:43:44The joy we shared in each other's arms
00:43:46was greater than any touchdown,
00:43:48yet we were forced to live the lie
00:43:51of sexist, beer-guzzling jock assholes.
00:43:53That's perfect.
00:43:57Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts
00:43:59I dug up playing at the scene.
00:44:03All right.
00:44:05Got an issue with stud puppy.
00:44:07Great.
00:44:09A candy dish.
00:44:11Joan Crawford postcard.
00:44:13Good.
00:44:15Some mascara.
00:44:18All right.
00:44:20Now, here's the one perfecto thing I picked up.
00:44:22Mineral water.
00:44:24Oh, come on.
00:44:26A lot of people drink mineral water.
00:44:28It's come a long way.
00:44:30Yeah, but this is Ohio.
00:44:32I mean, if you don't have a brewski in your hand,
00:44:34you might as well be wearing a dress.
00:44:36Oh, you're so smart.
00:44:48Hi, Veronica.
00:44:50Hi, guys.
00:44:54Glad you could make it.
00:45:04So, should I just whip it out, or...?
00:45:06Well, I've made a circle
00:45:08on each side of the clearing.
00:45:10Ram, you come over here.
00:45:13Kurt.
00:45:17When you get to the circle, strip.
00:45:20What about you?
00:45:22I was kind of hoping
00:45:24you could rip my clothes off me, sport.
00:45:26Oh.
00:45:28Good idea.
00:45:38Okay.
00:45:40Count of three, guys?
00:45:43One...
00:45:47Two...
00:45:50Three.
00:45:54Whoa!
00:45:56Did you miss him completely?
00:45:58Yeah, but don't worry, it was worth it
00:46:00just to see the look on...
00:46:02All right, don't move. I'll get him back.
00:46:18Come on.
00:46:39Ha-ha!
00:46:47Ha-ha!
00:47:11Now!
00:47:18Ha.
00:47:22Hey, I heard it that time.
00:47:24What?
00:47:26Another gunshot from the woods.
00:47:28Oh, shit. Let's roll.
00:47:30Kurt doesn't look too good.
00:47:32Just remember he's left-handed.
00:47:34Keep going.
00:47:36Come on.
00:47:42Mother of shit.
00:47:44Call in.
00:47:47Hey, I heard something out there.
00:47:49I'm checking it out.
00:47:51Yeah, this is Officer McCord.
00:47:53I've got two dead bodies in the woods
00:47:55behind Westerberg High.
00:48:17Oh, shit.
00:48:27Oh!
00:48:29Oh!
00:48:45Milner, can you hear me? What's going down?
00:48:47Uh, yeah, yeah.
00:48:49I think what I heard back there was just a bunny rabbit.
00:48:51All I got here is a couple of kids
00:48:53making out in that station wagon.
00:48:55Should I pry them apart?
00:48:57Oh, no, forget it.
00:48:59I got all the answers back here.
00:49:01Hey.
00:49:03Are they naked?
00:49:16Yeah, so, uh, what's the deal?
00:49:19Suicide, double suicide.
00:49:21They shot each other.
00:49:23Hey, that's Kurt Kelly.
00:49:25The linebacker, Ram Sweeney.
00:49:28Shoot.
00:49:30My God, suicide, why?
00:49:33Does this answer your question?
00:49:36Oh, man, they were fags.
00:49:39Listen up.
00:49:41We realized we could never reveal
00:49:43our forbidden love to an uncaring
00:49:45and ununderstanding world.
00:49:48Jesus H. Christ.
00:49:50The quarterback buggering the linebacker.
00:49:53What a waste.
00:49:55Oh, the humanity.
00:50:24Hmm.
00:50:26So we killed them, didn't we?
00:50:29Yeah, of course.
00:50:47Aah!
00:50:54Aah!
00:51:00Ich, Luke Boltz, I'm such an idiot.
00:51:06Look, you believed it because you wanted to believe it.
00:51:10Your true feelings were too gross and icky for you to face.
00:51:15I did not want them dead.
00:51:19You did, too.
00:51:22I did not!
00:51:24Did, too!
00:51:26I did not!
00:51:27Did, too!
00:51:28I did not!
00:51:29Did, too!
00:51:30Did not!
00:51:31Did, too!
00:51:32Did not!
00:51:33Did not!
00:51:34Did not!
00:51:35Shut up!
00:51:36I did not want them dead!
00:51:37Come on, you did, you're just not...
00:51:39But I know what you...
00:51:41I did not!
00:51:43Young love.
00:51:45Did you hear?
00:51:47Schools canceled today because Kurt and Ram
00:51:49No way.
00:51:52God!
00:51:55The football season is over, Veronica.
00:51:59Kurt and Ram had nothing to offer the school
00:52:02but date rapes and AIDS jokes.
00:52:05Sure.
00:52:08Could we make an ice run before the funeral?
00:52:20If there's any way you can hear me, Kurt, buddy...
00:52:25I don't care that you really were some pansy.
00:52:30You're my own flesh and blood, and I know you made me proud.
00:52:37My son's a homosexual, and I love him.
00:52:42I love my dead gay son.
00:52:46How do you think he'd react to a son that had a limp wrist with a pulse?
00:53:06Dear diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.
00:53:12The most popular people in school are dead.
00:53:15Everybody's sad, but it's a weird kind of sad.
00:53:20Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain.
00:53:26I don't know what it's given me,
00:53:28but I've got no control over myself when I'm with J.D.
00:53:33Are we going to prom or to hell?
00:53:37Now, it seems we were in a similar position on Monday
00:53:41when I thoughtfully suggested we get everybody together
00:53:44for an unadulterated emotional outpouring.
00:53:46But no, you took this as an opportunity
00:53:50to play yet another round of Let's Laugh at the Hippie.
00:53:54Pauline.
00:53:55Shut up, Paul.
00:53:57I've seen a lot of bullshit.
00:53:59Angel dust, switchblades,
00:54:02sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis rackets.
00:54:06But this suicide thing...
00:54:09I guess that's more on Pauline's wavelength.
00:54:13Well, we're just going to write off today.
00:54:16And on Friday, she can hold her little love-in or whatever.
00:54:22Whatever.
00:54:30Attention!
00:54:32May I have your attention, please?
00:54:36This school has been torn apart by tragedy.
00:54:40I'm here today to fuse it back again through togetherness.
00:54:44I want everyone to clasp hands.
00:54:47We need to connect this cafeteria into one mighty circuit.
00:54:51Excuse me, please.
00:54:52Hey, look, here comes the TV crew.
00:54:54Lock your paws.
00:54:56Miss Fleming, we're ready when you are.
00:54:58Hi, there.
00:55:00Come on. Come on.
00:55:02Let's go. Up here.
00:55:04They'll be on TV. Let's show them how you feel.
00:55:07Looks like Miss Flem's on another one of her crusades.
00:55:10Usual success, of course.
00:55:12Come on, freshmen, let's get up.
00:55:14Hi, what's your name?
00:55:16Hi, I'm Heather Duke.
00:55:18Hi, I'm Linda Queen.
00:55:20Jack, metalheads, over here.
00:55:22Let's team up together.
00:55:24Is this as good for you as it is for me?
00:55:27No fish sticks can wait. Let's go.
00:55:30Come on, kids.
00:55:32Come on.
00:55:41Greetings and salutations.
00:55:44I'm going to need a VHS copy of all this
00:55:46by Monday for my Princeton application.
00:55:48Uh-huh.
00:55:55That thing this afternoon.
00:55:57I'm so angry. It was chaos, fucking chaos.
00:56:01What are you talking about, huh?
00:56:03I mean, today was great.
00:56:05Chaos is great.
00:56:07Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.
00:56:11But face it, our way is the way.
00:56:13I mean, we scare people into not being assholes.
00:56:16Our way is not our way.
00:56:19Oh, yeah? Tell that to the judge, all right?
00:56:21Tell it to Kurt Kelly.
00:56:23Oh, God, Brody.
00:56:25I'm telling it to you.
00:56:28God, you can be so immature.
00:56:31Oh, you kids are making too much damn noise.
00:56:35We beat the bitches.
00:56:37Oh, beautiful. The beaver's home.
00:56:40Judge told them to slurp shit and die.
00:56:44I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.
00:56:47Masterful.
00:56:50And then when that blew,
00:56:53I set off a pack of thermals I stuck upstairs.
00:57:05You know, some days it's great to be alive.
00:57:11Goddamn rat fighters.
00:57:13Do you like your father?
00:57:16Never given the matter much thought.
00:57:20Like my mother.
00:57:25They said her death was an accident,
00:57:28but she knew what she was doing.
00:57:30She walked into the building
00:57:32two minutes before my dad blew the place up.
00:57:35She waved at me, and then...
00:57:38boom.
00:57:40If I get one more request for that big, fun song,
00:57:44I'm gonna commit suicide.
00:57:46Playing our song.
00:58:04That's it. We're breaking up.
00:58:06What? You can't bring him back. You must know that.
00:58:10I am not trying to bring anybody back, except maybe myself.
00:58:17No.
00:58:27And to think there was a time
00:58:29when I actually thought you were cool.
00:58:31Man, if you can't deal with me now,
00:58:33then just stay home and shoot your TV.
00:58:35Blow up a couple toasters or something.
00:58:38Just don't come to school, and don't mess with me.
00:58:43You'll be back.
00:58:57Me and Martha Dump Truck?
00:59:00Where did you get this?
00:59:02Oh.
00:59:04I just had the nicest little chat with Ms. Dump Truck.
00:59:07Got along famously.
00:59:09It's kind of scary how everybody's got a little story to tell.
00:59:13You want to see the canoeing shots?
00:59:15What is this, blackmail?
00:59:21I'll give you a week's lunch money.
00:59:23Heh.
00:59:25I don't want your money.
00:59:27I want your strength.
00:59:29I mean, Westerburg does not need mushy togetherness.
00:59:32It needs a strong leader.
00:59:34Heather Chandler was that leader, but...
00:59:37But she can handle it.
00:59:39I think you can.
00:59:42Moby Dick is dunked.
00:59:44The white whale drank some bad plankton
00:59:47and splashed through a coffee table,
00:59:49and now it's your turn to take the helm.
00:59:52What about the photographs?
00:59:54Oh, don't worry.
00:59:56I'll ask you to do me a favor,
00:59:58and it'll be one you'll enjoy.
01:00:00Then you'll get the negatives and everything back then.
01:00:04But in the meantime, strength.
01:00:08Here's a little gift.
01:00:12Heather to Heather.
01:00:14Heather to Heather.
01:00:45Guess who?
01:00:47Heather?
01:00:49Guess who?
01:00:51Heather?
01:01:12Hello?
01:01:14Hello, Betty.
01:01:16Oh, hello, Betty.
01:01:18Hello, Betty.
01:01:19This is Veronica.
01:01:24I don't believe it.
01:01:24I'm winning.
01:01:27Don't you start getting cocky on me now, girl.
01:01:32I really missed you.
01:01:34I know I'm not as exciting as your other friends.
01:01:37That is bullshit.
01:01:39Shoot.
01:01:42Do you know I'm still a virgin?
01:01:44OK, I French kissed Al Springer once.
01:01:47That was a total disaster.
01:01:49Shoot the ball.
01:01:55You know, Betty, your daydreams are a lot better than my
01:01:58realities, believe me.
01:02:02But now, prepare to die.
01:02:05Ronnie.
01:02:17Mm.
01:02:21Ah.
01:02:22Well, you're not just going to go for those two shots.
01:02:24I mean, uh, go ahead.
01:02:26Knock me out.
01:02:27It's the only way to win.
01:02:30This is not my style.
01:02:33These guys finish last.
01:02:35I should know.
01:02:45Bravo.
01:02:47Bravo.
01:02:51Listen, I got to get home, OK?
01:02:54OK.
01:02:55Thanks.
01:02:57Bye, Betty.
01:02:59Bye.
01:03:01Betty, leaving so soon?
01:03:04I'm red.
01:03:06I'm red.
01:03:08I'm red.
01:03:09I'm red.
01:03:10I'm red.
01:03:11I'm red.
01:03:32The Westerberg suicides were tough on all of us.
01:03:36But we shared the pain of losing three very popular singers.
01:03:41I came into the cafeteria, I asked them to hold hands.
01:03:45Isn't that the flake we met at the open house?
01:03:48Burst of cleansing synchronicity.
01:03:50TV cameras happened onto our path.
01:03:53Cleansing the synchronicity?
01:03:55Emotional outpouring of emotion.
01:03:58Outpouring of emotion?
01:04:01Ha, look, there's Heather.
01:04:04And there's Heather.
01:04:05Where are you, Veronica?
01:04:07Before a teenager decides to kill himself,
01:04:09there are certain facts that he should know.
01:04:11After all, this is a decision that affects all of us.
01:04:15And there's only one chance to get it right.
01:04:17I'm getting some super vision.
01:04:33Turn that back on.
01:04:35Can't you see these little programs are eating
01:04:37suicide up with a spoon?
01:04:38They're making it sound like it's a cool thing to do.
01:04:40Are you trying to tell me it is not
01:04:42a time for troubled youth?
01:04:43Stand up straight.
01:04:44All we want is to be treated like human beings,
01:04:47not to be experimented on like guinea pigs
01:04:49or patronized like bunny rabbits.
01:04:51I don't patronize bunny rabbits.
01:04:53Treated like human beings?
01:04:56Is that what you said, little Miss Voice of a Generation?
01:04:59Just how do you think adults act with other adults?
01:05:03You think it's all just a game of doubles tennis?
01:05:05When teenagers complain that they
01:05:07want to be treated like human beings,
01:05:09it's usually because they are being treated like human
01:05:11beings.
01:05:13Yeah, well, I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being.
01:05:17Well, you will live.
01:05:25Want some pate?
01:05:28Hi, everybody.
01:05:29Door is open.
01:05:31Veronica, have you heard?
01:05:33We were doing Chinese at the food fair
01:05:35when it comes over the radio that Martha Dumptruck
01:05:37tried to buy the farm.
01:05:39She belly flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.
01:05:45Is she dead?
01:05:46No, that's the punchline.
01:05:48She's alive and in stable condition.
01:05:51Just another case of a geek trying
01:05:52to imitate the popular people at the school
01:05:53and failing miserably.
01:05:55Is that pate?
01:06:01I said I was sorry.
01:06:03You were out of control.
01:06:04I mean, Heather and Kurt were a shock, but Martha Dumptruck?
01:06:08Get crucial.
01:06:09She dialed suicide hotlines in her diapers.
01:06:12You're not funny.
01:06:14Look, Martha couldn't take the heat,
01:06:17so she got out of the kitchen.
01:06:19Just think what a better place this world would be
01:06:21if every nimrod followed her cue.
01:06:24Shut up.
01:06:25Hot probs is on.
01:06:26Oh, shit, yeah.
01:06:27I mean, like, Skipper's OK, but still, sometimes I
01:06:30feel like I'm on that island, and Gilligan
01:06:32can just be so stupid sometimes.
01:06:34Yeah, well, dude, just remember, you know,
01:06:36if it wasn't for the courage of the fearless crew,
01:06:39the minnow would be lost, and you are too.
01:06:43Next call.
01:06:44That sounded like a good one.
01:06:45Hey, you've got the dog catcher.
01:06:48My name is Heather.
01:06:50No, it's not Heather.
01:06:54No, it's Madonna.
01:06:59Jeez, no, not that.
01:07:01Hey, babe, I need a name.
01:07:07My name is Tweety.
01:07:13Tweety?
01:07:15Ooh, tweet.
01:07:17God has cursed me, I think.
01:07:20The last guy I had sex with killed himself the next day.
01:07:28Failing math.
01:07:29My whole life is a mess.
01:07:32I was supposed to be captain of the cheerleading team.
01:07:35She knows we listen to this show.
01:07:38Holy shit, we'll crucify her.
01:07:41My parents are divorced and stuff.
01:07:47Heather told everyone about Heather.
01:07:51Yes, dear diary, I've cut off Heather Chandler's head,
01:07:55and Heather Duke's head has sprouted back in its place
01:07:58like some mythological thing my eighth grade boyfriend
01:08:02would have known about.
01:08:05Heather's even doing the old note trick.
01:08:10I've seen JD's way.
01:08:13I've seen Miss Pauline Fleming's way, and nothing has changed.
01:08:19I guess that's Heather's way.
01:08:21And Jesus, what about JD?
01:08:23I can't get him out of my head.
01:08:26Wait, where's Heather going?
01:08:29Where's Heather going?
01:08:31She's going to cry.
01:08:36Fucking child protector caps.
01:08:43Now, where is she going?
01:08:49Heather?
01:08:53What are you trying to do, kill me?
01:08:55What are you trying to do, sleep?
01:08:59Suicide is a private thing.
01:09:01Heather, you're throwing your life away
01:09:04to become a statistic in the US fucking A to day.
01:09:07Now, that is about the least private thing I can think of.
01:09:11What about Heather and Curt and Ram?
01:09:16Everyone jumped off a bridge with you.
01:09:22Probably.
01:09:25I know.
01:09:27If you were happy every day of your life,
01:09:29you wouldn't be a human being.
01:09:30You'd be a game show host.
01:09:33What do you say we knock off early, buy some shoes,
01:09:35something lame like that?
01:09:38OK.
01:09:46So it's come to this.
01:09:48Heather Chandler did polls.
01:09:50I want you to do a petition as a favor, as the favor.
01:09:55You've heard of the group Big Fun, right?
01:09:58That's right.
01:09:59Teenage suicide.
01:10:00Don't do it.
01:10:02Some teeny bop of rag says that they want to play a prom.
01:10:07Now, it could be Westerberg's if we
01:10:08get everybody's John Hancock.
01:10:10I'll get right on it, Coach.
01:10:12Oh, a little gift for you.
01:10:14I won't be needing it.
01:10:31Heather, Veronica.
01:10:52Color me stoked, girl.
01:10:54I've gotten everyone to sign this petition,
01:10:57even the ones who think Big Fun are tuneless Eurofags.
01:11:00People love me.
01:11:02You know, you haven't signed yet.
01:11:03People love you, but I know you.
01:11:07Jennifer Forbes told me the petition she signed
01:11:09was to put a hot tub in the cafeteria.
01:11:12And Doug Hilton said.
01:11:13Some people need different kinds of convincing than others.
01:11:16Look, just sign the petition, OK?
01:11:18Don't talk to me like that, OK?
01:11:21Look, it was JD's idea.
01:11:23He made out the signature sheet and everything,
01:11:25so why don't you just sign it?
01:11:28No.
01:11:31Jealous much?
01:11:37Heather, why can't you just be a friend?
01:11:39Why are you such a mega bitch?
01:11:42Because I can be.
01:11:45Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?
01:11:48Do you think, I mean, do you really
01:11:50think if Betty Finn's fairy godmother made her cool,
01:11:53she would still hang out with her dweebette friends?
01:11:56No way, Veronica.
01:11:57Uh-uh.
01:12:09Want to go out tonight?
01:12:12Catch a movie, you know, some miniature golf?
01:12:16Just thinking more along the lines
01:12:18of slitting Heather Duke's wrist open,
01:12:20making it look like a suicide.
01:12:22Ah, now you're talking.
01:12:23I could be up for that.
01:12:25I've already started underlining
01:12:27meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick,
01:12:29if you know what I mean.
01:12:33I knew you'd be back, Veronica.
01:12:36I knew it.
01:12:37I was positive, sure.
01:12:44It's over, JD.
01:12:45Over.
01:12:46Grow up.
01:12:48I don't get it.
01:12:49I mean, you were wrong.
01:12:50I was right.
01:12:52Come on, come back.
01:13:01Yes?
01:13:03Your friend, Jason Dean, stopped by.
01:13:06He seemed very concerned about you.
01:13:07He said that he thought you might try to kill yourself.
01:13:11You have been depressed lately.
01:13:13Oh, he left this for me.
01:13:15Oh, thank you.
01:13:16It's all right.
01:13:17It's all right.
01:13:17It's all right.
01:13:18It's all right.
01:13:19It's all right.
01:13:20Oh, he left this for you.
01:13:30Oh, my god.
01:13:33He said that we should keep you away from sharp objects,
01:13:37closed garage doors, chemical substances, prescription drugs.
01:13:50Oh, my god.
01:14:21Neither love nor reverence wilt thou be kind.
01:14:26And even for hate, thou canst but kill.
01:14:30And all are killed.
01:14:34I like it.
01:14:36It's got that, uh, what a cruel world,
01:14:38so let's toss ourselves in the abyss type ambiance, huh?
01:14:45Come on, it's Heather's copy of Moby Dick.
01:14:50Why don't you give it a try, huh?
01:14:52Underline something.
01:14:55Get off of my bed, you fucking psycho.
01:14:59You're a rebel?
01:15:00Do you actually think you're a rebel?
01:15:02You're not a rebel.
01:15:03You're a fucking psychotic.
01:15:06You say tomato, I say tomato.
01:15:10Hold it.
01:15:12Eskimo.
01:15:13Look at that.
01:15:15It's one word.
01:15:17I love it.
01:15:18I usually go for the whole sentence myself,
01:15:20but this is perfecto.
01:15:22Eskimo, you know, it's so, uh, mysterious.
01:15:28Es-ki-mo.
01:15:35Come on.
01:15:36Get your shit.
01:15:39J.D., you are not even listening to me.
01:15:42Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.
01:15:44That knife is filthy.
01:15:50What do you think I'm going to do with it?
01:15:51Take out her tonsils?
01:15:53Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit
01:15:55better than you do.
01:15:56If she was going to slit her wrist,
01:15:57the knife would be spotless.
01:16:01All right, how's this?
01:16:02Can you see your fucking reflection in the thing?
01:16:07Tomorrow, someone else is just going to move into her place.
01:16:12That person could be me.
01:16:17Ha!
01:16:18There's only one of us who knows how
01:16:20to do Heather's handwriting.
01:16:21And if you think I'm going to write another suicide note,
01:16:23you're wrong.
01:16:24You don't get it, do you?
01:16:27Society nods its head at any horror
01:16:29the American teenager can think to bring upon itself.
01:16:33Nobody's going to care about exact handwriting.
01:16:35How would you know?
01:16:36Oh, fuck.
01:16:47Life sucks.
01:16:52It's perfecto.
01:16:55Jesus.
01:16:56Hey, I've got a meaningfully marked up Moby Dick.
01:16:59What else does a suicide need, huh?
01:17:01Now, if you'll excuse me.
01:17:07No!
01:17:15Open the door!
01:17:25Eskimo.
01:17:31Heather Duke underlined a lot of things
01:17:34in this copy of Moby Dick.
01:17:37But I believe the word Eskimo, underlined all by itself,
01:17:43is the key to understanding Heather's pain.
01:17:47On the surface, Heather Duke was the vivacious young lady
01:17:51we all knew her to be.
01:17:54But her soul was in Antarctica, freezing
01:17:59with the knowledge of the way fellow teenagers can
01:18:02be cruel, the way that parents can be unresponsive.
01:18:10And as she writes so eloquently in her suicide note,
01:18:14the way that life can suck.
01:18:19We'll all miss Sherwood's little Eskimo.
01:18:24Let's just hope she's rubbing noses with Jesus.
01:18:28Is this turnout weak or what?
01:18:32I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.
01:18:37Heather?
01:18:42God, Veronica, my afterlife is so boring.
01:18:48If I have to sing kumbaya one more time.
01:18:51What are you doing here?
01:18:53I made your favorite.
01:18:56Spaghetti, lots of oregano.
01:18:58Dinner!
01:19:01Veronica, dinner!
01:19:29Dear diary, last entry.
01:19:35No one can stop JD, not the FBI, the CIA, or the PTA.
01:19:40He once told me that the extreme always makes an impression.
01:19:45Well, now it's my turn.
01:19:47Let's see how the son of a bitch reacts to a suicide
01:19:50he didn't perform himself.
01:20:28I can't believe he did it.
01:20:31I was teasing.
01:20:33I loved you.
01:20:36I'm sure I was coming up here to kill you.
01:20:41First, I was going to try and get you
01:20:44back with my amazing petition.
01:20:49It's a shame you can't see what her fellow students really
01:20:53signed.
01:20:54All right, listen.
01:20:59We students of Westerberg High will die.
01:21:03Today, our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest
01:21:09to a society that degrades us.
01:21:12Fuck you all.
01:21:16It's not very subtle, but neither is blowing up
01:21:20a whole lot.
01:21:23It's not a whole school now, is it?
01:21:27Talk about your suicide pacts, huh?
01:21:32When our school blows up tomorrow,
01:21:35it's going to be the kind of thing to infect a generation.
01:21:38I mean, it's going to be a Woodstock for the 80s.
01:21:41Please.
01:21:51Damn it, Veronica.
01:21:55We could have toast some marshmallows together.
01:22:01What does she want, a written invitation?
01:22:04Veronica, dinner.
01:22:06Shit.
01:22:12Veronica, I.
01:22:18Oh, I, I, I should have let you take that job at the mall.
01:22:22It was, it was just that I, I was afraid of you
01:22:25coming home late at night, and I.
01:22:36Hey, Mom, why so tense?
01:22:42Hey, Pop, I need some help with my homework.
01:22:48Not right now, Tiger.
01:22:49I'm a little busy.
01:23:12Veronica, J.D. told me you committed suicide last night.
01:23:16Where is he?
01:23:17Where's J.D.?
01:23:18We have to talk.
01:23:20Whether to kill yourself or not is
01:23:21one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.
01:23:24Get a job.
01:23:25We have to talk.
01:23:27Whether to kill yourself or not is
01:23:28one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.
01:23:31Get a job.
01:23:55♪
01:24:25♪
01:24:35♪
01:24:45♪
01:24:55♪
01:25:05♪
01:25:15♪
01:25:25♪
01:25:35♪
01:25:45♪
01:25:55♪
01:26:05Rodney, where's everybody going?
01:26:09It's Friday.
01:26:11Shit, another damn pep assembly.
01:26:14Yeah, these things can get pretty artificial,
01:26:17but at least you get out of class.
01:26:21Rodney, what's underneath the gym?
01:26:28The boiler room.
01:26:36May I see your hall pass?
01:26:43I knew that loose was too noose.
01:26:47I mean, uh, noose too loose.
01:26:51God damn you, woman.
01:26:54Like father, like son.
01:26:56A serious as fuck bomb in the boiler room
01:26:58to set off a pack of thermals upstairs.
01:27:03Okay, let's start by putting the bomb down on the ground.
01:27:12I knew that.
01:27:14I knew that.
01:27:16Okay, put your hands on your head.
01:27:20You didn't say Simon Says.
01:27:25Here.
01:27:45Let's go!
01:27:47Let's go, Rottweilers, let's go!
01:27:50Let's go, Rottweilers, let's go!
01:28:18T-E-R!
01:28:19T-E-R!
01:28:20B-U-R!
01:28:21B-U-R!
01:28:23G!
01:28:24G!
01:28:26B-U-R!
01:28:27B-U-R!
01:28:28B-U-R!
01:28:29B-U-R!
01:28:30B-U-R!
01:28:31B-U-R!
01:28:32B-U-R!
01:28:33B-U-R!
01:28:34B-U-R!
01:28:35B-U-R!
01:28:36B-U-R!
01:28:37B-U-R!
01:28:38B-U-R!
01:28:39B-U-R!
01:28:40B-U-R!
01:28:41B-U-R!
01:28:42B-U-R!
01:28:43B-U-R!
01:28:44B-U-R!
01:28:45B-U-R!
01:28:46B-U-R!
01:28:47B-U-R!
01:28:48B-U-R!
01:28:49B-U-R!
01:28:50B-U-R!
01:28:51B-U-R!
01:28:52B-U-R!
01:28:53B-U-R!
01:28:54B-U-R!
01:28:55B-U-R!
01:28:56B-U-R!
01:28:57B-U-R!
01:28:58B-U-R!
01:28:59B-U-R!
01:29:00B-U-R!
01:29:01B-U-R!
01:29:02B-U-R!
01:29:03B-U-R!
01:29:04B-U-R!
01:29:05B-U-R!
01:29:06B-U-R!
01:29:07S.I.T.S.
01:30:07No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
01:30:23No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
01:30:33You think just because you started this thing, you can end it?
01:30:36I'll kill you. I'll fucking kill you, I swear to God.
01:30:42How do I turn off the goddamn bomb, asshole?
01:30:45Fuck you!
01:30:55Shit!
01:30:58It's all over, JD. Help me stop it.
01:31:07You want to clean the slate as much as I do, right?
01:31:11So maybe I am killing everyone in the school.
01:31:14Because nobody loves me.
01:31:17Let's face it, all right?
01:31:19The only place different social types
01:31:22can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.
01:31:30Which button do I press to turn off the bomb?
01:31:34Which button do I press to turn it off?
01:31:37Try the red one, all right?
01:31:41Seriously, people are going to look at the ashes of Westerburg and say,
01:31:45now there is a school that self-destructed not because society didn't care,
01:31:49but because the school was society.
01:31:55That's pretty deep, huh?
01:31:57Which red button?
01:32:00Press the middle to turn it off.
01:32:04If that's what you really want.
01:32:07You know what I want, babe?
01:32:09What?
01:32:19Cool guys like you out of my life.
01:32:29BEEPING
01:32:59DOOR SLAMS
01:33:10Don't let me impress.
01:33:15You, uh...
01:33:17You really fucked me up pretty bad, Veronica.
01:33:24You, um...
01:33:27You got power.
01:33:31Power I didn't think you had.
01:33:38The slate is clean.
01:33:43BEEPING
01:33:56BEEPING
01:34:03Pretend I did blow up the school.
01:34:07All the schools.
01:34:11Now that you're dead, what are you going to do with your life?
01:34:17BEEPING
01:34:27BEEPING
01:34:39BEEPING
01:34:56BEEPING
01:35:02SCREAMING
01:35:04EXPLOSION
01:35:06SCREAMING
01:35:08BEEPING
01:35:26BEEPING
01:35:42Veronica, you look like hell.
01:35:45Yeah, I just got back.
01:35:50Veronica, what are you doing?
01:35:52Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town.
01:36:01Hey, Martha.
01:36:03My date for the prom kind of flaked out on me.
01:36:06I was wondering if you were doing anything that night,
01:36:08maybe we could rent some new releases?
01:36:11Pop some popcorn?
01:36:16I'd like that.
01:36:18Yeah, so would I.
01:36:22BEEPING
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