- 8/1/2024
Frasier Season 4 Episode 12 Death and The Dog
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TVTranscript
00:00Ross, none of these little lights seem to be flashing.
00:07Hey, what do you know? I got the same thing over here.
00:10Well, who's our first call?
00:13No one.
00:14How much time do we have?
00:17None.
00:22Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Fraser Crane.
00:27Well, I have some good news for you.
00:31As today is the first sunny day we've had in a few weeks,
00:35it seems that all our eyes are open, so please call in.
00:38No waiting.
00:42Absolutely no waiting.
00:47Oh, come on. Somebody's marriage must be on the skids.
00:52Somebody's career must be going badly.
00:55Other than mine.
00:59Hey, how about all you agoraphobics? I know you're not outside.
01:06Oh, oh, that's a call. I'll take it. I'll take it.
01:10Hello. I'm listening.
01:14Hi, Dr. Crane.
01:15My name is Alice, and I'm usually a happy person,
01:19but today, well, I just started thinking about all kinds of sad things.
01:25My job isn't that exciting. My kids don't call me as often as I'd like.
01:30Pretty soon I was in a full-blown funk.
01:33Well, Alice, as today seems to be a bit slow,
01:36you know, I think I have a story I can tell you that might be of some help.
01:41Do you have some time?
01:43Well, it's three o'clock, and I'm still in my bathrobe.
01:46Perfect!
01:50Well, it all started three days ago.
01:55You see, my father was very concerned about his little dog, Eddie,
01:59so he had taken him to the vet.
02:02So what did the doctor say?
02:04He's stumped.
02:07I told him he's not sleeping, he's not eating, he's not even sniffing stuff.
02:12Welcome news to Mrs. Frobisher in 13B.
02:16He said he can't find anything wrong with him physically.
02:19He thinks it might be an emotional problem.
02:21You know, I've heard they have therapists for dogs.
02:24Do you suppose a dog psychiatrist could be the answer?
02:27Only if the question is what is the most asinine thing we could possibly do.
02:33Maybe Eddie's just lonely, you know?
02:36I was thinking maybe we could maybe get another...
02:39Stop right there, Dad. We are not getting another dog.
02:42Oh, come on.
02:43What could be more fun than having a little brother or sister around the house to play with?
02:47I fell for that trick once, Dad.
02:52Well, I'm gonna get this little guy home.
02:55All right, I'll see you at home.
02:57He wants to pick up some beans before I go.
02:59See you there.
03:03Oh, wow.
03:05There's a guy over there checking me out.
03:08He's coming over here.
03:10Get out.
03:11No, it's too late. Just pretend you're not with me.
03:14Hello, Dr. Crane.
03:16Dr. Kagan.
03:17I hope I'm not interrupting.
03:18Oh, no, not at all. I don't even know who she is.
03:22Razor.
03:23Hi, I'm Roz Doyle.
03:25Dr. Stephen Kagan.
03:26Yes, Dr. Kagan moved into my building about three months ago from Chicago, I believe.
03:30Yes, that's right.
03:32I love what I've seen of Seattle, but I'm still finding my way around.
03:36Well, Roz is an excellent tour guide.
03:39Really?
03:40Well, if you have an afternoon sometime, maybe you could show me all the hot spots?
03:45I think that could be arranged.
03:50I'd be happy to. I'm free tomorrow afternoon.
03:53Here's my card.
03:54Great.
03:56I'll give you a call.
03:58Nice meeting you, Roz.
03:59Nice meeting you.
04:00Dr. Crane.
04:01Dr. Kagan.
04:06Thank you, Razor.
04:07My pleasure.
04:08He's a gorgeous doctor, and I didn't get you anything.
04:14So what kind of doctor is he?
04:16A gynecologist.
04:18That's not funny.
04:21What's the matter?
04:22He really is?
04:24Oh, God, I can't go out with a gynecologist.
04:28Do you know what they do all day?
04:32I have a general idea.
04:35All right, I'll see you at home.
04:37Hey, would you date a gynecologist?
04:39Oh, God, no.
04:40See?
04:41I wouldn't even date a dentist.
04:43Hands in people's mouths all day.
04:45And after watching Eddie's complete physical, I'm not anxious to date a vet any time soon, either.
04:53I would have thought that familiarity with a woman's body...
04:58That's really more of a sidetrack.
05:01Getting back to our story...
05:04By the time I got home that day, alas, poor Eddie was no better.
05:10Hey, look, Eddie, Mr. Carrot.
05:13Ooh, give you a good eyesight.
05:15I had a lot of fun with this, too.
05:19Matt?
05:20Yeah?
05:21What are you doing?
05:24I went out and I bought a bunch of new toys for Eddie.
05:27I just thought it might cheer him up, you know?
05:30Hey, Eddie, look at this.
05:32Hamburger.
05:34Juicy.
05:35Meaty.
05:37I bet you'd like a bite of this, wouldn't you?
05:40No?
05:41Well, it'd be more for me.
05:43I sure hope you don't take a bite out of the other side.
05:51Did you ever see anything sadder than this?
05:54No, I can't say that I have.
05:57Oh, that'll be Dr. Crane.
05:59He said he was going to bring his dog over.
06:01Oh, not that four-legged Maris.
06:04Dad, please.
06:06Don't call it that in front of him.
06:08He has no idea.
06:09How could he not?
06:10It acts like Maris.
06:11It barks like Maris.
06:12Aside from the fact that it eats now and then.
06:14They're dead ringers.
06:17Hello.
06:18Hello, Daphne.
06:19Hello, all.
06:20Hello.
06:21Hello.
06:22Hello, Daphne.
06:23Hello, all.
06:24Niles.
06:26I heard Eddie was down, and I thought a playmate might cheer him up, so voila.
06:31Well, I appreciate the offer, Niles, but I already tried it in the park with real dogs, and it didn't work.
06:40Well, you'll change your tune when you see my girl turn on her charm.
06:44All right, come on, girl.
06:45And go to Eddie.
06:47Go to Eddie.
06:51Go to Eddie.
06:56Okay.
07:00Do your stuff.
07:03That's it.
07:08Oh, oh, I can see her magic working already.
07:12Oh, girl.
07:13Come back here.
07:14Come back here this instant.
07:19Okay.
07:25Oh, Eddie, it's breaking my heart seeing you like this.
07:29How would a nice big batch of Grammy Moon sugar biscuits sound?
07:33Do you honestly believe he can understand a word you're saying?
07:36Hey, I read somewhere dogs can understand up to 400 words.
07:39Now, a super smart dog like Eddie probably knows a thousand.
07:42Oh, really, Dad?
07:43Yes, really.
07:44Eddie understands a hell of a lot more than you give him credit for.
07:47Yeah, well, just yesterday I said, Eddie, I've lost my keys, and he looked up at me.
07:52Eddie.
07:53Eddie.
07:54Eddie.
07:55Eddie.
07:56Eddie.
07:57Eddie.
07:58Eddie.
07:59Eddie.
08:00Eddie.
08:01Eddie.
08:02Eddie.
08:03Eddie.
08:04Eddie.
08:05Eddie.
08:06Eddie.
08:07Eddie.
08:08Eddie.
08:09Eddie.
08:10Eddie.
08:11Eddie.
08:12You better put on her sleep mask.
08:17How's Eddie?
08:18Worse.
08:20I'm afraid we're gonna have to call him one of those dog psychiatrists.
08:23Yes, you can't be serious.
08:25I'm desperate.
08:26We tried everything else.
08:27A dog psychiatrist?
08:29Honestly, Dad, they are the very definition of charlatanism.
08:33You simply cannot apply the principles of human psychology to animal behavior.
08:37Precisely.
08:38Animals operate out of instinct. Human beings can reason. They can cogitate.
08:45Therefore, a human being, through analytical psychotherapy, can...
08:50Dad?
08:56Dad?
08:59Well, it's the intrinsic value in what you show to the team.
09:07Thank you for staying with us through the first commercial break.
09:10We're talking to Alice, who has a case of the blues today.
09:14In order to help her through it, I am relating a story from my own life.
09:18from my own life. Any questions so far, Alice? Well, I was wondering, what happened to Ross
09:24and the gynecologist? Well, since Fraser did tell the most embarrassing part of the story,
09:37something kind of funny did happen. Oh my god, you're kidding! You were at Camp Lake Ridge, too?
09:45What years were you there? Ross! Ross! We are trying to help this woman! We don't have time
09:51for your pointless tangents! Anyway, my father finally got his way and made an appointment
09:58with the dog psychiatrist who insisted that the entire household be present for the first session.
10:04He's keeping this guy. He should have been here by now.
10:08Perhaps he's been detained by his fear of fetching group.
10:14All right, now you two, come out!
10:25Hello, I'm Dr. Arnold Shaw. Hi, Doc. Marty Crane, come on in, please.
10:30This is Daphne Moon and my sons, Fraser and Niles. And this, of course, is the patient.
10:39I don't suppose my father told you, but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists.
10:44Oh, how nice! I always enjoy being in the company of colleagues.
10:54I'm sorry, did you say colleagues or collies?
11:01It's the joke.
11:02Very clever. Very clever. Well, shall we begin?
11:16Hello, Eddie. I'm Dr. Shaw, and I'm here to get to know you and help you get better.
11:26Help you get better. You're very sad, aren't you?
11:34It's okay to be sad. Sometimes I'm sad, too.
11:40We're going to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad.
11:48When you give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven.
11:57I'm sorry. I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking this seriously.
12:02Look, I apologize. It all just seems a bit silly.
12:06Oh, really? Silly? I'll have you know I just attended the funeral of one
12:11Buttons McFarland, whose owners felt the same way.
12:14Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
12:22First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile quiz I developed.
12:32My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave if he were a human being.
12:39Oh, boy. It's not a joke. This is very serious.
12:46If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve?
12:51I'd say meatloaf, but not the plain kind. One with that fancy tomato soup glaze on top.
12:59Might be a bit underdone, though. He has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove.
13:09Poached salmon. I don't know why.
13:17Interesting. Question two.
13:20What would you imagine human Eddie's first words to be?
13:24Well, I hope give me a breath mint. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
13:32All right, next one.
13:33What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favorite cologne?
13:40Aqua vulva. It's a little strong, but I think he could pull it off.
13:47Grey flannel. I don't know why.
13:53Cologne. Well, actually, I think he would prefer toilet water.
14:00By the way, same answer for favorite beverage.
14:03I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.
14:14Sorry, I just don't see the point. What is any of this telling you about Eddie?
14:18The point was not to learn about Eddie, but to learn about all of you.
14:21And might I say, mission accomplished.
14:26Well, perhaps now would be a good time for me to examine Eddie one on one.
14:32Is there a room I can use? Oh, yeah.
14:35My room. Second on the right. Eddie, after you.
14:43This may take a while.
14:47If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George.
14:51I don't know why.
15:00And yet she's never been committed. I don't know why.
15:13OK, I'll say it. What the hell have they been doing in there for the last hour?
15:17Well, he's probably just talking to him. Eddie has to be very complex and interesting.
15:22Oh, yes. Must remind me to sit beside him at his next dinner party.
15:28Well, be prepared to be up and down checking on that meatloaf.
15:37I have my diagnosis. Finally, the white smoke.
15:40Eddie is indeed depressed. Now, if, as you say, there's been no change in his routine,
15:50I can only surmise that he's reacting to someone else's unhappiness.
15:56Is any one of you suffering from depression? Not me.
16:00I'm not depressed. Neither.
16:02I'm cheer personified.
16:04Well, he's picking it up somewhere. To be on the safe side, you should all be conscious of
16:13how you behave when you're in front of him. Try to speak in pleasant, happy tones.
16:21Goodbye, Eddie. Call me in a few days. Let me know how he's doing.
16:26Thanks for everything, Doc. Sorry to rush off, but I have a four o'clock appointment at the zoo.
16:33There's a hyena there that won't even crack a smile.
16:40See, I can joke, too.
16:48Hold it. Oh, my God. Ross, what's happened?
16:52I want to kill myself. Oh, hey, Ross. Not in front of Eddie.
16:59What? That gentleman that just left was a doc psychiatry.
17:03He said it'd be a good idea if we all had a happy tone when we're around Eddie.
17:07So, please, tell us. Why do you want to kill yourself?
17:12Well, I went out with Dr. Kagan and everything was going so great. I almost forgot what he was.
17:20What is he? A gynecologist.
17:23Oh, gee. I don't think I want to hear any more about this.
17:27All right, Ross, what happened? Well, we went upstairs to his apartment and he poured a glass of wine and...
17:34Well, do you know what a speculum is?
17:39Apparently, he was an avid collector of antique gynecological equipment.
17:48I've just gotten a signal from Ross that we're running out of time, so...
17:53I've just gotten a signal from Ross that we're running out of time, so...
17:57I'll skip ahead in our story.
18:10Yeah, to me, the man's theory's a whole lot of hooey.
18:13Who here has any reason to be unhappy?
18:15Well, mind you, I would never say this if it were for Eddie's sake,
18:21but comparatively speaking, Dr. Crane, you have the most to be depressed about.
18:26What with your separation from Mrs. Crane and all.
18:30I'm not unhappy. Besides, I don't even live here.
18:34Oh, please, you're here more than I am.
18:38You know, I hate to say it, but, uh, Dad, if anybody's giving off unhappiness, I'm afraid it's you.
18:43Me?
18:44Yes.
18:44You're the one who hasn't had a date in a year.
18:48Not to mention two failed marriages.
18:50And yet you did.
18:54Well, I don't know, maybe I am not entirely happy.
18:59Why should I be? My son lives across the country.
19:03There's no woman in my life.
19:06Maybe it is I who's making Eddie sad.
19:10Oh, now, now, don't you take all the blame.
19:14If I give my life a good once-over, I realize it's not all jam.
19:19I've just lost the only boyfriend I've had in years.
19:22And the biggest thing in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago,
19:27and no one's even mentioned it.
19:37Daphne, maybe you were right earlier.
19:40I'm not so happy.
19:42Oh, maybe it's me.
19:44My life hasn't been a picnic since Hester died.
19:48Now that I think about it, what have I got to be happy about?
19:52I mean, I know that has nothing to do with Eddie,
19:54but maybe Frasier picked up something from contact with me.
19:58He wouldn't be the first one.
19:59Oh, I'm too depressed.
20:03How loosely woven is the fabric of our happiness.
20:08A tug or two.
20:10It unravels to reveal how empty our everyday lives really are.
20:15And then there are the empty nights, accompanied by thoughts of loneliness and death.
20:24You think about that, too?
20:26Thought it was just me.
20:28Everybody thinks about it.
20:31You lie real still and hold your breath and pretend you're in the ground?
20:37No, that's just you.
20:38When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday,
20:42in my beach house on Maui,
20:45and I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.
20:55You know, I once had a psychic tell me the strangest thing.
20:59That one day I'd go off me rocker, take up a kitchen knife,
21:03kill myself, and then I'd be dead.
21:06Rocker, take up a kitchen knife, kill the entire household,
21:10and then kill myself.
21:12Silly old bag.
21:16She was right about my move into Seattle, though.
21:27Well, I don't know how I want to go,
21:29but all my years around the police morgue taught me a few things.
21:33First off, you don't want to swallow Drano or rat poison.
21:38And if you're going to kill yourself with an axe,
21:40get it right the first time.
21:50Well, you know, we can talk about it, we can think about it,
21:56but nobody really knows how or when.
21:59How or when?
22:01One second we're as alive as anyone else, and then what?
22:08Darkness.
22:10Nothingness.
22:13Afterlife.
22:15I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history.
22:20Then I think, what if it's like high school
22:22and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me?
22:30Mozart will tell me he's busy,
22:31but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln.
22:37Well, I don't know about you,
22:39but this is depressing the hell out of me.
22:41Remember, my number's coming up sooner than you guys.
22:44Yes, that's right.
22:51No, no, none of us really knows when our time is up.
22:55And it's never long enough.
22:57My great-grandmother was 92 years old when she died,
23:01and her last words to me from her deathbed were,
23:05it's so short.
23:09Of course, it was the 70s.
23:12She could have been talking about my skirt.
23:19I have seen the eternal footman hold my coat and snicker.
23:27T.S. Eliot.
23:29Dead.
23:33Must not all things at the last be swallowed up in death?
23:38Plato.
23:40Even deader.
23:45You know, perhaps Dr. Shaw was right.
23:50Perhaps we are the cause of Eddie's depression.
23:57He's a simple beast.
24:00He has peered beneath the masks of happiness we all wear
24:05and seen what lurks below.
24:09Infected by our sorrow,
24:11his once carefree doggy world has been shattered, perhaps forever.
24:18Well, look at him.
24:19He's happy again.
24:21Could that have been all it was?
24:22He was missing his favorite doll.
24:24Well, I guess Dr. Shaw was wrong after all.
24:27He wasn't taking his cue from us, was he?
24:29Well, we were certainly taking a cue from Eddie.
24:33I've never been so depressed.
24:36Tell me about it.
24:38I wish I was a dog.
24:40All it takes is a little toy to make him happy again.
24:43I'm afraid we're a bit more complex than that, Daphne.
24:47We know for whom the bell tolls.
24:54Anybody else here, then?
25:07Oh, the biscuits.
25:11Daphne, by biscuits, do you mean cookies?
25:14Yeah, that's right.
25:16They smell good.
25:17Fresh from the oven.
25:19Oh, nice and warm.
25:21Yeah, and I have a fresh pitcher of milk for dipping.
25:23Oh, and I believe there's ice cream, too.
25:29And so, Alice, even the happiest of us can find reasons to be unhappy
25:34if only we look for them.
25:36So don't look for them.
25:38Take a tip from our dog friends
25:41and treat yourself to your favorite toy, whatever that might be.
25:48I'll do that right now.
25:49Thank you, Dr. Crane.
25:51I really do feel better.
25:54This is Dr. Frasier Crane reminding everyone
25:58that life is too short to dwell in every bump in the road.
26:03Try to take pleasure in the simple things.
26:08In short, eat a cookie.
26:14Oh, oh, bone nut.
26:18I broke a tooth.
26:21Well, now I gotta go to the dentist.
26:23They're gonna tell me I haven't flossed.
26:25My lip's gonna get all fat.
26:26My life sucks.
26:33Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
26:36Toss salads and scrambled eggs.
26:40Mercy.
26:42And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:44Well, maybe.
26:46But I got you pegged.
26:48But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:58They're calling again.
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