Frasier Season 4 Episode 12 Death and The Dog

Frasier

Transcript

00:00Ross, none of these little lights seem to be flashing.

00:07Hey, what do you know? I got the same thing over here.

00:10Well, who's our first call?

00:13No one.

00:14How much time do we have?

00:17None.

00:22Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Fraser Crane.

00:27Well, I have some good news for you.

00:31As today is the first sunny day we've had in a few weeks,

00:35it seems that all our eyes are open, so please call in.

00:38No waiting.

00:42Absolutely no waiting.

00:47Oh, come on. Somebody's marriage must be on the skids.

00:52Somebody's career must be going badly.

00:55Other than mine.

00:59Hey, how about all you agoraphobics? I know you're not outside.

01:06Oh, oh, that's a call. I'll take it. I'll take it.

01:10Hello. I'm listening.

01:14Hi, Dr. Crane.

01:15My name is Alice, and I'm usually a happy person,

01:19but today, well, I just started thinking about all kinds of sad things.

01:25My job isn't that exciting. My kids don't call me as often as I'd like.

01:30Pretty soon I was in a full-blown funk.

01:33Well, Alice, as today seems to be a bit slow,

01:36you know, I think I have a story I can tell you that might be of some help.

01:41Do you have some time?

01:43Well, it's three o'clock, and I'm still in my bathrobe.

01:46Perfect!

01:50Well, it all started three days ago.

01:55You see, my father was very concerned about his little dog, Eddie,

01:59so he had taken him to the vet.

02:02So what did the doctor say?

02:04He's stumped.

02:07I told him he's not sleeping, he's not eating, he's not even sniffing stuff.

02:12Welcome news to Mrs. Frobisher in 13B.

02:16He said he can't find anything wrong with him physically.

02:19He thinks it might be an emotional problem.

02:21You know, I've heard they have therapists for dogs.

02:24Do you suppose a dog psychiatrist could be the answer?

02:27Only if the question is what is the most asinine thing we could possibly do.

02:33Maybe Eddie's just lonely, you know?

02:36I was thinking maybe we could maybe get another...

02:39Stop right there, Dad. We are not getting another dog.

02:42Oh, come on.

02:43What could be more fun than having a little brother or sister around the house to play with?

02:47I fell for that trick once, Dad.

02:52Well, I'm gonna get this little guy home.

02:55All right, I'll see you at home.

02:57He wants to pick up some beans before I go.

02:59See you there.

03:03Oh, wow.

03:05There's a guy over there checking me out.

03:08He's coming over here.

03:10Get out.

03:11No, it's too late. Just pretend you're not with me.

03:14Hello, Dr. Crane.

03:16Dr. Kagan.

03:17I hope I'm not interrupting.

03:18Oh, no, not at all. I don't even know who she is.

03:22Razor.

03:23Hi, I'm Roz Doyle.

03:25Dr. Stephen Kagan.

03:26Yes, Dr. Kagan moved into my building about three months ago from Chicago, I believe.

03:30Yes, that's right.

03:32I love what I've seen of Seattle, but I'm still finding my way around.

03:36Well, Roz is an excellent tour guide.

03:39Really?

03:40Well, if you have an afternoon sometime, maybe you could show me all the hot spots?

03:45I think that could be arranged.

03:50I'd be happy to. I'm free tomorrow afternoon.

03:53Here's my card.

03:54Great.

03:56I'll give you a call.

03:58Nice meeting you, Roz.

03:59Nice meeting you.

04:00Dr. Crane.

04:01Dr. Kagan.

04:06Thank you, Razor.

04:07My pleasure.

04:08He's a gorgeous doctor, and I didn't get you anything.

04:14So what kind of doctor is he?

04:16A gynecologist.

04:18That's not funny.

04:21What's the matter?

04:22He really is?

04:24Oh, God, I can't go out with a gynecologist.

04:28Do you know what they do all day?

04:32I have a general idea.

04:35All right, I'll see you at home.

04:37Hey, would you date a gynecologist?

04:39Oh, God, no.

04:40See?

04:41I wouldn't even date a dentist.

04:43Hands in people's mouths all day.

04:45And after watching Eddie's complete physical, I'm not anxious to date a vet any time soon, either.

04:53I would have thought that familiarity with a woman's body...

04:58That's really more of a sidetrack.

05:01Getting back to our story...

05:04By the time I got home that day, alas, poor Eddie was no better.

05:10Hey, look, Eddie, Mr. Carrot.

05:13Ooh, give you a good eyesight.

05:15I had a lot of fun with this, too.

05:19Matt?

05:20Yeah?

05:21What are you doing?

05:24I went out and I bought a bunch of new toys for Eddie.

05:27I just thought it might cheer him up, you know?

05:30Hey, Eddie, look at this.

05:32Hamburger.

05:34Juicy.

05:35Meaty.

05:37I bet you'd like a bite of this, wouldn't you?

05:40No?

05:41Well, it'd be more for me.

05:43I sure hope you don't take a bite out of the other side.

05:51Did you ever see anything sadder than this?

05:54No, I can't say that I have.

05:57Oh, that'll be Dr. Crane.

05:59He said he was going to bring his dog over.

06:01Oh, not that four-legged Maris.

06:04Dad, please.

06:06Don't call it that in front of him.

06:08He has no idea.

06:09How could he not?

06:10It acts like Maris.

06:11It barks like Maris.

06:12Aside from the fact that it eats now and then.

06:14They're dead ringers.

06:17Hello.

06:18Hello, Daphne.

06:19Hello, all.

06:20Hello.

06:21Hello.

06:22Hello, Daphne.

06:23Hello, all.

06:24Niles.

06:26I heard Eddie was down, and I thought a playmate might cheer him up, so voila.

06:31Well, I appreciate the offer, Niles, but I already tried it in the park with real dogs, and it didn't work.

06:40Well, you'll change your tune when you see my girl turn on her charm.

06:44All right, come on, girl.

06:45And go to Eddie.

06:47Go to Eddie.

06:51Go to Eddie.

06:56Okay.

07:00Do your stuff.

07:03That's it.

07:08Oh, oh, I can see her magic working already.

07:12Oh, girl.

07:13Come back here.

07:14Come back here this instant.

07:19Okay.

07:25Oh, Eddie, it's breaking my heart seeing you like this.

07:29How would a nice big batch of Grammy Moon sugar biscuits sound?

07:33Do you honestly believe he can understand a word you're saying?

07:36Hey, I read somewhere dogs can understand up to 400 words.

07:39Now, a super smart dog like Eddie probably knows a thousand.

07:42Oh, really, Dad?

07:43Yes, really.

07:44Eddie understands a hell of a lot more than you give him credit for.

07:47Yeah, well, just yesterday I said, Eddie, I've lost my keys, and he looked up at me.

07:52Eddie.

07:53Eddie.

07:54Eddie.

07:55Eddie.

07:56Eddie.

07:57Eddie.

07:58Eddie.

07:59Eddie.

08:00Eddie.

08:01Eddie.

08:02Eddie.

08:03Eddie.

08:04Eddie.

08:05Eddie.

08:06Eddie.

08:07Eddie.

08:08Eddie.

08:09Eddie.

08:10Eddie.

08:11Eddie.

08:12You better put on her sleep mask.

08:17How's Eddie?

08:18Worse.

08:20I'm afraid we're gonna have to call him one of those dog psychiatrists.

08:23Yes, you can't be serious.

08:25I'm desperate.

08:26We tried everything else.

08:27A dog psychiatrist?

08:29Honestly, Dad, they are the very definition of charlatanism.

08:33You simply cannot apply the principles of human psychology to animal behavior.

08:37Precisely.

08:38Animals operate out of instinct. Human beings can reason. They can cogitate.

08:45Therefore, a human being, through analytical psychotherapy, can...

08:50Dad?

08:56Dad?

08:59Well, it's the intrinsic value in what you show to the team.

09:07Thank you for staying with us through the first commercial break.

09:10We're talking to Alice, who has a case of the blues today.

09:14In order to help her through it, I am relating a story from my own life.

09:18from my own life. Any questions so far, Alice? Well, I was wondering, what happened to Ross

09:24and the gynecologist? Well, since Fraser did tell the most embarrassing part of the story,

09:37something kind of funny did happen. Oh my god, you're kidding! You were at Camp Lake Ridge, too?

09:45What years were you there? Ross! Ross! We are trying to help this woman! We don't have time

09:51for your pointless tangents! Anyway, my father finally got his way and made an appointment

09:58with the dog psychiatrist who insisted that the entire household be present for the first session.

10:04He's keeping this guy. He should have been here by now.

10:08Perhaps he's been detained by his fear of fetching group.

10:14All right, now you two, come out!

10:25Hello, I'm Dr. Arnold Shaw. Hi, Doc. Marty Crane, come on in, please.

10:30This is Daphne Moon and my sons, Fraser and Niles. And this, of course, is the patient.

10:39I don't suppose my father told you, but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists.

10:44Oh, how nice! I always enjoy being in the company of colleagues.

10:54I'm sorry, did you say colleagues or collies?

11:01It's the joke.

11:02Very clever. Very clever. Well, shall we begin?

11:16Hello, Eddie. I'm Dr. Shaw, and I'm here to get to know you and help you get better.

11:26Help you get better. You're very sad, aren't you?

11:34It's okay to be sad. Sometimes I'm sad, too.

11:40We're going to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad.

11:48When you give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven.

11:57I'm sorry. I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking this seriously.

12:02Look, I apologize. It all just seems a bit silly.

12:06Oh, really? Silly? I'll have you know I just attended the funeral of one

12:11Buttons McFarland, whose owners felt the same way.

12:14Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

12:22First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile quiz I developed.

12:32My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave if he were a human being.

12:39Oh, boy. It's not a joke. This is very serious.

12:46If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve?

12:51I'd say meatloaf, but not the plain kind. One with that fancy tomato soup glaze on top.

12:59Might be a bit underdone, though. He has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove.

13:09Poached salmon. I don't know why.

13:17Interesting. Question two.

13:20What would you imagine human Eddie's first words to be?

13:24Well, I hope give me a breath mint. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

13:32All right, next one.

13:33What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favorite cologne?

13:40Aqua vulva. It's a little strong, but I think he could pull it off.

13:47Grey flannel. I don't know why.

13:53Cologne. Well, actually, I think he would prefer toilet water.

14:00By the way, same answer for favorite beverage.

14:03I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.

14:14Sorry, I just don't see the point. What is any of this telling you about Eddie?

14:18The point was not to learn about Eddie, but to learn about all of you.

14:21And might I say, mission accomplished.

14:26Well, perhaps now would be a good time for me to examine Eddie one on one.

14:32Is there a room I can use? Oh, yeah.

14:35My room. Second on the right. Eddie, after you.

14:43This may take a while.

14:47If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George.

14:51I don't know why.

15:00And yet she's never been committed. I don't know why.

15:13OK, I'll say it. What the hell have they been doing in there for the last hour?

15:17Well, he's probably just talking to him. Eddie has to be very complex and interesting.

15:22Oh, yes. Must remind me to sit beside him at his next dinner party.

15:28Well, be prepared to be up and down checking on that meatloaf.

15:37I have my diagnosis. Finally, the white smoke.

15:40Eddie is indeed depressed. Now, if, as you say, there's been no change in his routine,

15:50I can only surmise that he's reacting to someone else's unhappiness.

15:56Is any one of you suffering from depression? Not me.

16:00I'm not depressed. Neither.

16:02I'm cheer personified.

16:04Well, he's picking it up somewhere. To be on the safe side, you should all be conscious of

16:13how you behave when you're in front of him. Try to speak in pleasant, happy tones.

16:21Goodbye, Eddie. Call me in a few days. Let me know how he's doing.

16:26Thanks for everything, Doc. Sorry to rush off, but I have a four o'clock appointment at the zoo.

16:33There's a hyena there that won't even crack a smile.

16:40See, I can joke, too.

16:48Hold it. Oh, my God. Ross, what's happened?

16:52I want to kill myself. Oh, hey, Ross. Not in front of Eddie.

16:59What? That gentleman that just left was a doc psychiatry.

17:03He said it'd be a good idea if we all had a happy tone when we're around Eddie.

17:07So, please, tell us. Why do you want to kill yourself?

17:12Well, I went out with Dr. Kagan and everything was going so great. I almost forgot what he was.

17:20What is he? A gynecologist.

17:23Oh, gee. I don't think I want to hear any more about this.

17:27All right, Ross, what happened? Well, we went upstairs to his apartment and he poured a glass of wine and...

17:34Well, do you know what a speculum is?

17:39Apparently, he was an avid collector of antique gynecological equipment.

17:48I've just gotten a signal from Ross that we're running out of time, so...

17:53I've just gotten a signal from Ross that we're running out of time, so...

17:57I'll skip ahead in our story.

18:10Yeah, to me, the man's theory's a whole lot of hooey.

18:13Who here has any reason to be unhappy?

18:15Well, mind you, I would never say this if it were for Eddie's sake,

18:21but comparatively speaking, Dr. Crane, you have the most to be depressed about.

18:26What with your separation from Mrs. Crane and all.

18:30I'm not unhappy. Besides, I don't even live here.

18:34Oh, please, you're here more than I am.

18:38You know, I hate to say it, but, uh, Dad, if anybody's giving off unhappiness, I'm afraid it's you.

18:43Me?

18:44Yes.

18:44You're the one who hasn't had a date in a year.

18:48Not to mention two failed marriages.

18:50And yet you did.

18:54Well, I don't know, maybe I am not entirely happy.

18:59Why should I be? My son lives across the country.

19:03There's no woman in my life.

19:06Maybe it is I who's making Eddie sad.

19:10Oh, now, now, don't you take all the blame.

19:14If I give my life a good once-over, I realize it's not all jam.

19:19I've just lost the only boyfriend I've had in years.

19:22And the biggest thing in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago,

19:27and no one's even mentioned it.

19:37Daphne, maybe you were right earlier.

19:40I'm not so happy.

19:42Oh, maybe it's me.

19:44My life hasn't been a picnic since Hester died.

19:48Now that I think about it, what have I got to be happy about?

19:52I mean, I know that has nothing to do with Eddie,

19:54but maybe Frasier picked up something from contact with me.

19:58He wouldn't be the first one.

19:59Oh, I'm too depressed.

20:03How loosely woven is the fabric of our happiness.

20:08A tug or two.

20:10It unravels to reveal how empty our everyday lives really are.

20:15And then there are the empty nights, accompanied by thoughts of loneliness and death.

20:24You think about that, too?

20:26Thought it was just me.

20:28Everybody thinks about it.

20:31You lie real still and hold your breath and pretend you're in the ground?

20:37No, that's just you.

20:38When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday,

20:42in my beach house on Maui,

20:45and I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.

20:55You know, I once had a psychic tell me the strangest thing.

20:59That one day I'd go off me rocker, take up a kitchen knife,

21:03kill myself, and then I'd be dead.

21:06Rocker, take up a kitchen knife, kill the entire household,

21:10and then kill myself.

21:12Silly old bag.

21:16She was right about my move into Seattle, though.

21:27Well, I don't know how I want to go,

21:29but all my years around the police morgue taught me a few things.

21:33First off, you don't want to swallow Drano or rat poison.

21:38And if you're going to kill yourself with an axe,

21:40get it right the first time.

21:50Well, you know, we can talk about it, we can think about it,

21:56but nobody really knows how or when.

21:59How or when?

22:01One second we're as alive as anyone else, and then what?

22:08Darkness.

22:10Nothingness.

22:13Afterlife.

22:15I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history.

22:20Then I think, what if it's like high school

22:22and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me?

22:30Mozart will tell me he's busy,

22:31but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln.

22:37Well, I don't know about you,

22:39but this is depressing the hell out of me.

22:41Remember, my number's coming up sooner than you guys.

22:44Yes, that's right.

22:51No, no, none of us really knows when our time is up.

22:55And it's never long enough.

22:57My great-grandmother was 92 years old when she died,

23:01and her last words to me from her deathbed were,

23:05it's so short.

23:09Of course, it was the 70s.

23:12She could have been talking about my skirt.

23:19I have seen the eternal footman hold my coat and snicker.

23:27T.S. Eliot.

23:29Dead.

23:33Must not all things at the last be swallowed up in death?

23:38Plato.

23:40Even deader.

23:45You know, perhaps Dr. Shaw was right.

23:50Perhaps we are the cause of Eddie's depression.

23:57He's a simple beast.

24:00He has peered beneath the masks of happiness we all wear

24:05and seen what lurks below.

24:09Infected by our sorrow,

24:11his once carefree doggy world has been shattered, perhaps forever.

24:18Well, look at him.

24:19He's happy again.

24:21Could that have been all it was?

24:22He was missing his favorite doll.

24:24Well, I guess Dr. Shaw was wrong after all.

24:27He wasn't taking his cue from us, was he?

24:29Well, we were certainly taking a cue from Eddie.

24:33I've never been so depressed.

24:36Tell me about it.

24:38I wish I was a dog.

24:40All it takes is a little toy to make him happy again.

24:43I'm afraid we're a bit more complex than that, Daphne.

24:47We know for whom the bell tolls.

24:54Anybody else here, then?

25:07Oh, the biscuits.

25:11Daphne, by biscuits, do you mean cookies?

25:14Yeah, that's right.

25:16They smell good.

25:17Fresh from the oven.

25:19Oh, nice and warm.

25:21Yeah, and I have a fresh pitcher of milk for dipping.

25:23Oh, and I believe there's ice cream, too.

25:29And so, Alice, even the happiest of us can find reasons to be unhappy

25:34if only we look for them.

25:36So don't look for them.

25:38Take a tip from our dog friends

25:41and treat yourself to your favorite toy, whatever that might be.

25:48I'll do that right now.

25:49Thank you, Dr. Crane.

25:51I really do feel better.

25:54This is Dr. Frasier Crane reminding everyone

25:58that life is too short to dwell in every bump in the road.

26:03Try to take pleasure in the simple things.

26:08In short, eat a cookie.

26:14Oh, oh, bone nut.

26:18I broke a tooth.

26:21Well, now I gotta go to the dentist.

26:23They're gonna tell me I haven't flossed.

26:25My lip's gonna get all fat.

26:26My life sucks.

26:33Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.

26:36Toss salads and scrambled eggs.

26:40Mercy.

26:42And maybe I seem a bit confused.

26:44Well, maybe.

26:46But I got you pegged.

26:48But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.

26:58They're calling again.

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