I Tried to Find Nicky Smokes and Ben Mintz a Wife at the Shanghai Marriage Market

The Wonton Don

The Wonton Don | Donnie Does

Transcript

00:00Hey, how are you?

00:08We are back at the Shanghai Marriage Market.

00:11If you remember, I came here looking for a wife maybe 10 years ago.

00:15I need a wife and I needed it yesterday.

00:16I want you guys to take this resume.

00:17I want you to bring it home to your daughters.

00:18That's just the tip of the iceberg.

00:22I got mad skill sets.

00:23I had a little success.

00:24A husband that can do push-ups is a husband that knows how to raise kids.

00:30It's not where I ended up finding my actual wife, but I did have a lot of takers once

00:36I told people I was the COO of Dairy Queen.

00:39Look at this.

00:40Snuff is all over the place.

00:41You are sexually irresistible.

00:42Okay.

00:43Well, anyways, I'm back in Shanghai for the first time in like five years.

00:48I wanted to see if this place is still bumping, especially because I have a lot of very eligible

00:54bachelor co-workers such as the one and only Ben Mintz and Nikki Smokes.

01:01I guess I'm going to be their marriage agent.

01:03So I printed out some flattering photos of them and I put together a resume real quick.

01:10I could have done a better job, but if these guys are ever going to find a wife, the Shanghai

01:13Marriage Market is the place to do it.

01:16We're going to see if we can find them some potential suitors.

01:23Now, this will not be a one man job, so I got my guy Bert joining.

01:27He's lived in China for like 10 years.

01:29He's got a YouTube page called Bert Digs This.

01:31He's going to be helping film and he's going to be helping translate.

01:34He's not fluent, but he definitely knows more Chinese than me.

01:37Let's go do this.

01:38Yeah, let's go.

01:39It's not a lot of real estate.

01:40Dude, this place is still bumping.

01:43I got to find a place to post up.

01:45I think it's even more packed than when I first came here close to eight or nine years

01:50ago.

01:51When I was here, they had a bunch of photos of everybody.

01:53Now, they don't use photos.

01:55They just put out the resume that has all your stats, like when you were born, your

01:59height.

02:00Some of these say how much money you make.

02:02Do you think I can stand behind someone else's?

02:06I don't want to block anyone else's side.

02:08Everyone deserves a fair shot at love.

02:10What if I did it right here?

02:13You can take a look.

02:18Oh my God, I'm going to run out.

02:21It's not you, right?

02:22No, no, no.

02:23My colleague is searching for a wife.

02:26Why not you?

02:29Because now I have a wife.

02:31I put together these resumes last minute.

02:34I should have sold them better.

02:36For Ben Mintz, for his hobbies, all I said was gambling, eating, and going to concerts.

02:40For Nikki Smokes, all I have is hobbies, watching sports, dancing, religion, dumping sack, and

02:47then wants to stop partying and settle down with a nice woman.

02:50It's not a lot of intel to go off of, but actually, I don't really have many more nice

02:54things to say about Nikki Smokes.

02:56Mintz, I could have said a lot about Mintz.

02:59He donates to a lot of charities.

03:01He's serious about his health, although he does not look like it.

03:10Is that how you say he can't cook?

03:12Let me try to sell you on my friend, Nikki Smokes.

03:17This is a Florida man, a hot commodity in the U.S.

03:22As you can see, a little more handsome than Ben.

03:26He's young, so he's very virile.

03:31Viral?

03:32How do you say it?

03:33Let's just say his nut has a lot of strong swimmers in it.

03:36Nikki Smokes is a college graduate.

03:39I think he went to like eight different colleges, but he did get a degree.

03:44Ben Mintz, believe it or not, is a college grad too, but it took him like eight years.

03:48Is he famous in America?

03:50Yes.

03:51Does he have a YouTube channel?

03:52Um, yeah.

03:53WakeUpWithMintzy.

03:54That's probably the biggest thing he has going for him.

03:57He can't cook, and when it comes to brains, he is lacking in that department, but he's

04:03very friendly.

04:04He's got fame, and he's got friendliness.

04:06Which way?

04:07How to contact them?

04:08How to contact?

04:09I have his phone number.

04:11You write here.

04:12You write here.

04:13Yes, I will.

04:15I'm going to tell him to download it.

04:22I hope she's not looking for a husband.

04:23I think she's a little too young.

04:24I'm giving out his phone number to everybody in the party.

04:30Yeah, I'm not getting a lot of bites on the resumes, and that's on me, because listen,

04:34if you could meet these guys in person, you would be way more impressed.

04:38Where do you come from?

04:39USA.

04:40Oh, USA.

04:41Yeah.

04:42Where are you from?

04:43Thailand.

04:44Are you trying to find a husband?

04:46Nikki Smokes loves girls from Thailand.

04:50Look at that.

04:51This is a handsome photo.

04:52Very handsome.

04:53Very handsome.

04:54He's a little handsome, but he's famous.

04:57He's WakeUpMintzy, a talk show host.

05:00We could have left that photo off.

05:01How do you say he's on a diet?

05:03He's losing pounds.

05:04Losing weight.

05:05Yeah, losing weight.

05:06He's shedding the pounds, so when you actually marry him, he's going to be at least 30 pounds

05:12lighter.

05:13I don't want to block anyone else's shine, though.

05:15There's a lot of single people.

05:16Can you see?

05:17Yeah.

05:18Oh, yep.

05:19Yep.

05:20We're in trouble.

05:21Nikki Smokes' shadow is literally over like four, probably 30-year-old women desperately

05:25trying to find a husband.

05:26We're stepping on other people's toes, I think.

05:28That's one thing I'm not trying to do.

05:30Listen, do you see how many people are here?

05:32There are a lot of single folks in China.

05:34I think we're okay right here.

05:36No!

05:37Nope.

05:38Not here either.

05:39Oh, yeah, there.

05:40There, there, there, there, there.

05:43I'm not stepping on anyone's toes over here.

05:46This, this is perfect.

05:54Yeah.

05:57Yes, yes, I know.

05:58I think this is probably hurting their cause because I'm just so much more handsome than

06:02them that it's not really like I'm not doing them any favors.

06:06I'm just holding up a sign that says he makes $100,000 a year.

06:10He's only going to go up, or he's going to get fired in the next year, but that's a risk

06:15you're going to have to take with Nikki Smokes.

06:17A lot of contenders.

06:18This is good.

06:19Like, people seem very receptive, but then once they read the fine print, they're not

06:24as intrigued.

06:25Do you want to find a beautiful girl for your wife?

06:29They do.

06:31But I think Ben Mintz makes more money than Nikki Smokes, as he should, because he's 15

06:40years older.

06:41He needs a wife that will help him cook, and that wife will be getting a green card to

06:47the U.S.

06:56Ben Mintz does not have a nanny or a caregiver.

07:00Surprisingly, he lives on his own, so he just orders food.

07:07I don't know how he does it, honestly.

07:09I don't know how he survives.

07:12We're all confused.

07:13Ben Mintz's 40-year-old sperm will still definitely give you a child.

07:18That child may need LASIK eye surgery, but it's going to be a healthy kid besides that.

07:24He looks a lot more handsome when he's wearing glasses.

07:26I'll give you that much.

07:27Nikki Smokes is a very religious man.

07:29He is a man of God.

07:30I don't know if that plays in China.

07:32We got any Christian Chinese women?

07:35Ben Mintz is also, I guess, pretty Christian, but when he's looking for a wife, religion

07:41is not one of the parameters he's looking into.

07:44He'll take anyone.

07:45Muslim, Jewish, atheist, Buddhist, Taoist.

07:50Also, guys, for both of them, the marriage comes with a green card.

07:55We got one rich, successful, and famous 40-year-old, and then we have one handsome 25-year-old.

08:02So take your pick.

08:03Are you going for the fame and money, or do you just want a young, hot guy?

08:08We got both options for you.

08:12Very few of the actual daughters and sons that are looking for a spouse are here.

08:18It's the parents, and the parents kind of do all the wheeling and dealing.

08:22I am kind of Ben Mintz's and Nikki Smokes' dad right now, just trying to wife them up.

08:28One of these ladies might just sign their daughter's life away to Ben Mintz.

08:35That's a bad photo.

08:36I'm sorry.

08:37We shouldn't have included that.

08:38Look at that.

08:39He looks handsome there.

08:40Listen, if you don't love him at his worst, you don't deserve him at his best.

08:53People in China love gambling, so I think the fact that he's so good at it is going to help.

08:58He's a famous gambler.

09:00In the U.S., you'd be shocked.

09:01We have a lot of famous gamblers, like Dave Portnoy, Ben Mintz, Dan Katz.

09:07He has come very close to winning a lot of money many times at big tournaments.

09:11He never quite gets there, but I think if he had a wife in his corner, he'd be able to cross the hump.

09:18Yes.

09:22Yes, but he is losing pounds fast.

09:28Do you know his current weight?

09:29It fluctuates so much.

09:31Right now, I said 120 kgs.

09:34He could be down to 115.

09:36He's lower than the picture, and he's losing more weight every day.

09:39He runs 5Ks for charity.

09:40He needs the full package.

09:43Yeah, he's just 25 years old.

09:47A young buck, and he's got quite a nut.

09:50You would probably have a grandkid within like nine months after they got married.

09:56I think he's like a one-and-done kind of guy.

09:58One nut, grandkid.

10:00Yeah.

10:01Finally, we had a serious prospect.

10:05Oh.

10:11Oh, okay.

10:12Then add my WeChat.

10:14Can you tell her to send me her daughter's resume?

10:19She's going to show you the picture of her.

10:21Yeah, but if she sends it to me on WeChat, I can translate.

10:25Oh, okay.

10:27She's beautiful.

10:29She's beautiful.

10:30She's beautiful.

10:31She's beautiful.

10:32Oh, my God.

10:41I think this guy said not to do it.

10:43I don't know.

10:44Bringing a Chinese translator would have helped a little bit.

10:47A lot of interest, though, and that's what counts.

10:49We've got a 40-year-old, rich, successful man by the name of Ben Mintz,

10:54and we've got a 25-year-old young gun by the name of Nicky Smokes.

10:59So, take your pick.

11:01Are you going for money or are you going for looks?

11:11All right, well, he's 40.

11:14He does hogs for a cause every year, which I think it helps kids with cancer, I believe.

11:21Oh, okay.

11:22All right.

11:23Well, boom.

11:24I think we have a match.

11:26This lady can cook.

11:30All right, if you are interested, add me on WeChat.

11:33That's the competition.

11:35I can put you guys in touch.

11:36All right, don't have a ton of takers.

11:38I mean, if they're not getting enough bites, we also have Tommy Smokes.

11:42I think Tommy Smokes might be more, like, appealing to Chinese girls

11:46because they like really, like, at least in Shanghai,

11:49they're, like, kind of effeminate men, like, who aren't very intimidating.

11:55For my friends who have lived in Shanghai,

11:57they have the best of luck with Shanghainese girls when they're just, like, girly dudes.

12:05Oops.

12:06Lost a photo.

12:07Maybe if the signs were, like, nicer looking, we'd have a little more success.

12:11These look like the most shoddily made signs.

12:14Maybe the foreigners are interested.

12:16Are you guys married?

12:19Are you guys dating?

12:20Yes.

12:21Okay, so, yep, so you are not looking for a husband,

12:24but we do have two solid candidates right here if you ever are.

12:28Just come back to the marriage market.

12:40Both very handsome.

12:41You heard it here first.

12:49He's a college graduate.

12:52Nope.

12:53Thought I had a bite there.

12:54I guess not.

12:58Oh, these got crinkled.

13:05Oh, all right.

13:06Well, then, if he doesn't suit your fancy, we also have Nicky Smokes.

13:12E-bike, 100,000 USD.

13:14And, oh, my God, handsome.

13:17Holy shit.

13:18Hello.

13:19有沒有英文名語?

13:22我有老婆,

13:25but 他沒有老婆,

13:27他也沒有老婆.

13:29Oh, no.

13:30No?

13:31I don't think it's going to work.

13:32Listen, no one can say I didn't try.

13:34I did give my WeChat to a handful of people.

13:38Maybe they will follow up, but I think I'm done.

13:43You know what?

13:45I'm just going to leave these here.

13:51OK.

13:56My job here is done.

14:03Everyone's really interested in the trash bin.

14:06They actually have a lot of trash bins.

14:09They actually are more interested in that than I am.

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