"The Thin Blue Line," released in 1995, is a British sitcom created and written by Ben Elton. The show is set in the fictional English town of Gasforth and follows the comedic antics of the local police force. Starring Rowan Atkinson as Inspector Raymond Fowler, the series portrays the humorous day-to-day activities and relationships of the officers, including the strict Sergeant Patricia Dawkins (played by Serena Evans) and the dim-witted Constable Kevin Goody (played by James Dreyfus). Known for its witty dialogue and satirical take on police procedures, "The Thin Blue Line" combines slapstick humor with sharp social commentary, making it a beloved classic in British television comedy.
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00:30Well, thank you, Patricia. That was lovely, absolutely lovely.
00:36Your turn to make breakfast is always something of an adventure.
00:39I thought I'd try something a bit special.
00:42Well, indeed. A lesser woman would not even have attempted
00:45oeuf a la mayonnaise.
00:47Yes, and it almost worked, didn't it?
00:50Absolutely, absolutely. Apart, of course, for the absence of oeuf.
00:56I broke them all.
00:57And mayonnaise.
00:58It curdled.
01:00But all in all, the most delicious plate of a la I've ever tasted.
01:05Now then, since we have a few moments to spare, let's have another bash at my lines, shall we?
01:09All right, but we'll have to hurry.
01:11Take it from the top of page 34.
01:17Avast, ye lubbers!
01:19Tis Pan and his lost boys come to board me.
01:23Swish, swish.
01:25You shall not murder Tinkerbell Hook.
01:27Think ye not? I'll keelhaul ye Peter Pan.
01:31Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
01:34It's awfully good, but very scary.
01:38Well, I feel scary.
01:40This will be my year, Patricia. At tonight's audition, I shall carry all before me.
01:44Well, you ought to. You're obviously the best.
01:46Oh, no, no, no.
01:48I don't think you'll end up playing the crocodile that swallowed a clock, as usual.
01:51Yes, it's true.
01:53Every year I've gone to the Peter Pan auditions and buckled my swash till my timbers shivered.
01:59And every year I've been presented with seven feet of green foam rubber
02:03and informed that my lines are tick and tock.
02:07Not this year, I can assure you.
02:10I have prepared fully.
02:12Swish, swish.
02:15The part of Captain Hook is mine.
02:18Well, I hope so.
02:20It makes me furious to see you passed over for lesser men.
02:23Last year I nearly turned in my tomahawk.
02:25Oh, no, you mustn't do that, Patricia.
02:27You make a wonderful red Indian maid.
02:29Oh, I don't think so.
02:31That silly little costume. My thighs are too fat.
02:34Patricia, what an absurd thing to say.
02:36Oh, you're just saying that to be nice.
02:38No, I'm not. I'm sure any number of Indian maids have fat thighs.
02:51Gaspeth Amateur Drama Society. What's all that, then?
02:56Fannying about in tights.
02:59No, Derek, we only fanny about in tights when we do Shakespeare.
03:03This concerns the annual pantomime.
03:05Robust singers required for the chorus.
03:08Interested?
03:10It sounds boring to me. I'd rather have a cup of tea in front of the telly.
03:13Well, of course you would, Derek.
03:15That is because you have the soul of an amoeba in the imagination of a pot noodle.
03:21You'd be bored watching Olivier play Hamlet.
03:24Well, I don't like football.
03:28Especially foreign tunes.
03:30Well, it's their own.
03:32I'm sure you can't sing, anyway.
03:34When I gave my karaoke careless whisper on our last holiday, my wife wept.
03:44Derek, we require thespians, not yobs.
03:47You couldn't get a small role in a bakery,
03:50let alone justify a place in a major andrampanto.
03:54You just ain't got it, kid.
03:58Avast, ye lubbers!
04:00Ha-ha!
04:16So, how did it go, dear?
04:19Treachery!
04:21Thy name is Gaspeth am Dramsock.
04:24Who is going to play Hook?
04:27Avast, ye lubbers!
04:30Tis Peter Pan and his lost boys come to board me.
04:36You should have seen me, Cray.
04:39They were all there.
04:41The snooty, snotty, toity-hoity, farty-arty,
04:47decaffeinated, fruit-flavoured tea-bag,
04:51semi-skimmed cream of Gaspeth elite.
04:57Fowler was wearing leg-warmers.
05:02The blokes stood there looking like a bird at an aerobics class.
05:07Fanning on about internal motivation,
05:11I said, rubbish, mate, all you have to do is shout.
05:16And I've got the part.
05:18The director said I was clearly a suppressed thespian.
05:23Blimey! I ought to smack them in the mouth.
05:29Oh, well, I mustn't grumble.
05:31I am to be Grimm's understudy,
05:33and I have been entrusted with the important, indeed pivotal, role of the crocodile.
05:40In many ways, a more challenging part.
05:48Patricia, I've got it!
05:51I'll try an accent.
05:53A Glaswegian, perhaps.
05:55Tuck, talk.
05:57Tuck, talk.
05:59Tuck, talk.
06:00Tuck, talk, Gemma.
06:06Oh, I don't know.
06:15Christmas Eve, ladies and gentlemen.
06:18Christmas Eve.
06:20Now, I realise, of course, that the yuletide shift denies those involved certain traditional treats.
06:26Not for us, the last-minute present-wrapping.
06:29Carols round the tree.
06:31Grandpa smoking his pipe, enjoying a good, rough shag.
06:38Constable Habib, have I said something amusing?
06:41No, sir.
06:42Perhaps you find all this talk of Christmas unsettling.
06:45I realise, of course, that this station is not a monoculture,
06:49and that you do not celebrate the season.
06:51Oh, no, sir.
06:52I think people of any culture and religion can respect the true meaning of Christmas.
06:56Ah, yes.
06:57Peace on Earth and goodwill to all men.
07:00Well, yeah, that.
07:01And getting rat-faced and ending up with your head down the toilet.
07:05Yes.
07:06Well, in our case, all that must wait.
07:08Not for us, the simple pleasures of Christmas.
07:11Sherry, chestnuts,
07:13father bringing home a big, fat bird and telling mum to stuff it.
07:19Sounds like a right old river, but you're home, sir.
07:24Now, I have, as usual, purchased a Christmas tree,
07:28which will be set up in the reception area.
07:32You are, of course, all welcome to hang your own personal balls on it.
07:39Constable Habib, are you ill?
07:44PHONE RINGS
07:47Bar, please, Kevin.
07:53Get up.
07:59Oh, I love Christmas.
08:02I can never sleep, so I have to get up, but then I get so excited,
08:05I have to have a lie-down again, which is so silly, isn't it?
08:09So exciting.
08:11I have been thinking all year about giving you one,
08:13and now I'm going to.
08:16A present, actually.
08:18I've got some brilliant presents for people.
08:20But, Maggie, I've got the best one for you.
08:23Oh, Kevin, that's really sweet of you.
08:25But I wish you hadn't. I haven't got you anything.
08:28Maggie, I didn't give you a present because I wanted one back.
08:31I never even thought about you getting one for me.
08:34Well, if that's all right, then.
08:42And I got a special present for Inspector Fowler.
08:45I wanted to get him something really special,
08:47you know, just to show how much I appreciate him.
08:49And what did you get him, then?
08:51A puncture repair kit.
08:53And I bought Maggie some lingerie.
08:57What's lingerie?
08:58Posh pants.
09:00Like... Like Hurandi's, only more expensive.
09:03Thermals, you mean.
09:06That's an excellent present.
09:08Excellent present.
09:10Yes, it can get very nippy up your kyber these long nights.
09:13Frank, he's talking about lingerie,
09:16which is French for...
09:21Yes, that's right.
09:23Got her some silky knickers.
09:25Split crotch?
09:26Well, I hope not. Only bought them this morning.
09:30Dead sexy. Knickers and a bra.
09:32I was that embarrassed buying them, I had to say they were for me.
09:36There's only one set of underwear you want to give her, mate.
09:40Yours.
09:41It'll itch up your boxers and say,
09:43there's a wrapping doll, the present's inside.
09:54I think I'm going to be sick.
09:57Oh, it's all right, son.
10:00You know, fellas that talk about it most do it least.
10:03I know.
10:05I talk about it all the time.
10:08And I haven't had any sense of days of Harold Wilson.
10:13I never knew you had a gay relationship.
10:17What are you talking about?
10:19This bloke Harold Wilson you were having it with.
10:21Kevin, he was a prime minister.
10:25Climbing! And you, an ordinary copper, you did do well.
10:36It's always a very special moment, I think,
10:38when one installs the station Christmas tree.
10:41It hasn't got any foliage, sir.
10:43Looks like it's been napalmed.
10:46Well, it did have foliage.
10:48Before I attempted to extract it,
10:51Well, it did have foliage.
10:53Before I attempted to extract it from the Christmas market scrummage.
10:57People run mad at this time of year.
10:59Mind you, you can understand it.
11:01Any community which has been forced to listen to
11:04Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time
11:06on every occasion that they've entered a shop since mid-October
11:10is bound to be a bit restive.
11:14Ah, Sergeant, darling.
11:16Did you have a successful time in town?
11:18Yes, I did.
11:19I decided I should have my hair done for Christmas.
11:22Yes, perhaps you should.
11:26It is looking a bit of a mess.
11:30Raymond, I've been. This cost £45.
11:33£45?
11:36They've hardly taken anything off at all.
11:38For £45 you should be bald.
11:42Here's your present.
11:44Now, I hope you don't take offence.
11:46I'm giving this to you because I respect you as a feminist
11:49and I don't want you to think that it's for my benefit.
11:56Although that would be quite nice.
12:00Perhaps if we turn it round a bit, sir?
12:03You know, sometimes I do have a better side.
12:06My mum always gets a proper one, made out of tinsel.
12:12May I have a word, Raymond? Very important.
12:16About the panto.
12:18Now, you can take a bit of gentle, constructive criticism, can't you?
12:23Of course.
12:24Basically, you're crocodile's crap.
12:27You're acting more like an enormous grizzly.
12:31You're crocodile's crap.
12:34You're acting more like an enormous green dog-doo than a croc.
12:40And I suggest you get it sorted.
12:42Inspector Grimm, don't you have things to do?
12:45Oh, gawd, you're right. I haven't done me vocal exercises yet.
12:49Alpha, alpha, bravo.
12:51Wilco, foxtrot, zelta.
12:53Tango. Tango.
12:56Diet lilt and a phantom.
12:59Right. With me.
13:01Important bit of business to discuss.
13:03Well, yeah, there is, sir, actually.
13:05There's a lot of naughtiness going on out there.
13:07A lot of burglaries.
13:08You see, I've put this brilliant new bit in.
13:11Where I shove me sword back into me belt,
13:13but I miss, and I stag me trousers,
13:16and I say to the kiddies,
13:17don't worry, it was only a little scratch.
13:22Only a little prick.
13:25Hilarious, eh?
13:28There won't be a dry seat left in the house.
13:31Oi, sir.
13:32What?
13:33There's a lot of stuff being wiped out the back of gardens.
13:35Eh?
13:36Well, it's all happening while the families are at the front door,
13:39listening to carol singers.
13:40Carol singers?
13:42Well, it's obvious what's going on.
13:44Division want to know what you're doing about it.
13:46Division?
13:47You moron, Craig, why didn't you say something?
13:50What, fannying on about Pantos?
13:52Get the car, let's go.
13:55You seem to forget, Craig,
13:57it's my arse on the line,
13:59so you'd better pull your finger out.
14:03So get the script, you can test me in the car.
14:12Yes, Goody, what is it?
14:14Well, sir,
14:16it's just that, um,
14:18I bought you a little present, sir.
14:20Well, that's very kind of you, Goody,
14:22but I don't really approve...
14:23Oh, no, no, no, no, it's hardly anything at all, sir.
14:25Just something that I know you'd like,
14:27something that's really you.
14:31Well, in that case, I'm sure there's no harm.
14:37I'm worried about Kevin, Pat.
14:39He got me this present,
14:41and he dropped loads of hints about it doing something for him.
14:44Oh, come on, Maggie, it's hardly a surprise.
14:46You know Goody's desperate for you to do anything with him.
14:49Yeah, but I think he wants me to fix his bike.
14:56Oh!
15:07That's just the sort of present Raymond would get me.
15:10It would be so nice if he got me something feminine and sexy,
15:14but he won't.
15:15He'll have been down the DIY shop, as usual,
15:17asking them to gift-wrap a sack of tiling grout.
15:21Raymond, I...
15:30Raymond.
15:38Sit down, please.
15:42Come on, then, Goody.
15:44HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
15:46HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
15:49I've asked you to come and see me
15:51because there is something which you and I must discuss,
15:54and I want the truth.
15:56I do not want you to try to deceive me out of shame or embarrassment.
16:01I can assure you that I am not embarrassed.
16:09Not embarrassed at all.
16:12Right. Good. So, uh...
16:15So, here we go.
16:18Do you...
16:19HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
16:23Do you find me attractive?
16:30Well, sir, um...
16:32I don't know.
16:34You're always very clean. I think that's nice.
16:37Because if you harbour some secret desire,
16:42if indeed you do...
16:44Um...
16:46Crave me...
16:49Physically...
16:52Then we must, of course, have it out in the open.
16:56Are you propositioning me, sir?
17:00Don't be disgusting, you foul boy.
17:02Well, you said you wanted us to have it out in the open.
17:04I talk! I talk!
17:06I talk about the fact that clearly I've become some kind of fantasy figure to you.
17:10The fact that the idea of my near-naked body
17:13decked out in flimsy female attire turns you on.
17:17Don't! I don't! I don't think you look nice naked at all.
17:21Well, it won't help you to add insult to injury, laddie.
17:24No, no, no. I mean I don't want to see you decked out in flimsy female attire, sir.
17:28Then what the hell is this Christmas present all about, then?
17:32Some disgusting, perverted, attempted humour?
17:35No, no. It's just so you can bend punches.
17:39Do you want me to fix my bicycle wearing women's underwear?
17:46Hey, don't!
17:49I've given you the wrong present, sir.
17:51I bought you a puncher repair kit.
17:53The underwear was for Constable Habib.
17:58Well, that's very nearly as bad, you foul boy.
18:03Do you really believe that women appreciate rubbish like this?
18:06Do you really believe that women appreciate rubbish like this?
18:08To be treated like some kind of saucy sex object?
18:11Well, why not? I would.
18:13Take these foul things and get out.
18:27Really, Sergeant Dawkins, we are on duty.
18:29Kindly control your wild animal lust.
18:32No, I will not. It's Christmas and I don't care.
18:36I saw what you got me, Peachy.
18:38What I got you?
18:39The lingerie.
18:40Oh, it's the first sexy, romantic thing you've done
18:42since you bought me that box of milk tray when I had shingles.
18:46Oh, I've always wanted some saucy undies.
18:49Real, proper, silky ones.
18:51God, it turns me on.
18:53God, it makes me hornier than Rudolph's antlers.
18:59You're my little Christmas cracker and I love you.
19:02Yes.
19:04On the other hand, perhaps underwear is a silly present.
19:08Perhaps you'd prefer something more functional.
19:10Why, you were saying only the other day how your toenail clippers were blunt.
19:15Raymond, I want my knickers.
19:18And if they're not in my stocking tomorrow morning,
19:21they'll be holly in your pyjamas.
19:23But they will be, I know.
19:25After all, Christmas is for lovers.
19:34We shall overcome.
19:39What the hell is all this noise about?
19:41It's a caravan of New Age travellers, Raymond.
19:44They've been causing an obstruction.
19:47Well, I'm not putting up with this all night.
19:50You are all officially warned.
19:53Now, happy Christmas and get out.
19:56We shall overcome someday.
20:05All power and passion, man.
20:07You are Babylon, but I will speak to you.
20:10You're like impounded Arvan, man.
20:12My belly is swollen with the fruit of love's seed.
20:19And we are homeless.
20:21We are a circle.
20:22There is no end, there is no beginning.
20:24Everything is now and we are here.
20:26And we're staying.
20:30Well, what in twelve types of instant cake mix
20:34are we supposed to do with these two?
20:37I mean, this is all we need on Christmas Eve, isn't it?
20:40A couple arrive from far away with nowhere to stay for the night.
20:44The woman heavily pregnant.
20:47I mean, did you ever hear of such a thing?
20:51You're my scrummy little mince pie
20:53and I want to eat you all up.
20:57That's no goody.
20:58Do you recall that earlier this evening
21:00you made me a gift of some lingerie?
21:02Oh, yes, but I have explained. I never intended it.
21:04Yes, yes, yes.
21:05But the fact is that I've changed my mind
21:07and I want it back.
21:12Oh, I see.
21:14Well, I do know what you mean.
21:16It is kind of nice, isn't it? To touch and everything.
21:18It's not for me, disgusting boy.
21:20Just hand over your bra and panties.
21:24I can't, sir. I've given them to Constable Habib.
21:27I asked one of the girls to leave it in her locker.
21:33Constable Habib, I have a very strange favour to ask you.
21:36I want a quick rummage in your locker.
21:39Sorry, sir.
21:40No, no, don't misunderstand me.
21:42Sir, sir, I believe there may be some underwear in there
21:44and I want to get hold of it.
21:46Oh, I see.
21:48Well, don't worry.
21:49I know a lot of men your age often have these funny urges.
21:52No, no, no.
21:53No, I'm not offended, sir.
21:55I just think it's a bit sad.
21:59You're not going to...
22:02All right, Habib, let's get her into the interview room
22:05then get the Dettol and sterilise the table.
22:07Hang on, Pat.
22:08This person is a woman, an individual.
22:10She has to decide if she wants to have her baby.
22:12It's all right, love. It's your body.
22:14You're in control.
22:15You tell us what you want.
22:17I want to have it by candlelight.
22:19I think we can manage that.
22:21You see, Pat, it doesn't hurt to give people choice in their lives.
22:24And a bath full of warm ewes' milk.
22:26Hatchdown Henge.
22:28Let's get her on the table.
22:31Woody?
22:32Yes?
22:33Hot water now.
22:34Yes.
22:39A Y in a manger
22:41no crib for his bed
22:43a little Lord Jesus
22:45laid down with his legs
22:49Thank you very much.
22:50It's lovely.
22:51We ain't finished yet.
22:54A Y in a manger
22:56no crib for his bed
22:58a little...
22:59Hush!
23:00Life, magic, bursting cards.
23:04Oh, my God!
23:13Woody, did you get the hot water?
23:15Well, I was going to.
23:17But then I thought we really ought to offer something more interesting.
23:20So I got her this carton of Ribena from my...
23:25Naughty, naughty roundabouts there, sweet Nickham.
23:28Have you seen the size of them?
23:30Let uniform get their noses broken.
23:32Request urgent support.
23:34Callahan Crescent.
23:36Highly dangerous...
23:39carol singers.
23:44I think drugs would be a good idea.
23:46No need.
23:47She's doing it all naturally.
23:49Yeah, well, that's what I'm saying.
23:50I think maybe we ought to celebrate.
23:54Rest ye merry gentlemen
23:56let nothing you dismay
23:58for Jesus Christ, our Saviour
24:01was born upon this day
24:03to save us all from Satan's power
24:08Oh, tidings of comfort and joy
24:12Comfort and joy
24:14Oh, comfort and joy
24:21Well, that was a bit heavy-handed. It wasn't that bad.
24:27The doctor will be here soon.
24:29Ah, what are you going to call him?
24:31You choose.
24:32Well, it is Christmas.
24:34How about calling him Noel?
24:36That is a great idea
24:38because Noel Edmonds is the spirit of Christmas, isn't he?
24:43Ah.
24:45Well now, young...
24:47baby.
24:49Bibble, bibble.
24:54Well, a police station is perhaps not the best of places
24:57for a child to spend its first night upon Earth, but
24:59we should perhaps remember that
25:01once a baby was born in a far lowlier place than this
25:05and went on to do rather well.
25:07Yes.
25:09Who was that, Ben?
25:13Jesus Christ, good Lord.
25:19Well, there is no need to swear, sir.
25:21I just don't know who you're talking about.
25:24Ah, Counsellor Habib.
25:26I've been waiting for a moment to have a word.
25:28Now, what I said earlier about your knickers...
25:30Oh, please, sir. Don't feel guilty.
25:32I know what's going on.
25:34Oh, all right.
25:35It's the male menopause.
25:37I must say, a very nice little boy.
25:40Oh, first-class police work, though I say so meself.
25:43Craig, get those... those...
25:46Carol singing scums.
25:48Exactly.
25:49Out of the van and give them a right going over.
25:51Now, Fowler, you seem to be doing nothing but fannying about as usual.
25:55You can test me on me lines.
25:58Come on.
25:59As my understudy, it'll do you good to see a proper bit of shouting.
26:03Yes, well, that's expected, Grim. I've got some rather urgent...
26:05Yeah, that's your problem as an actor, Raymond.
26:08You never learn.
26:09No focus.
26:10No dedication.
26:12And you're a load of rubbish.
26:14I suppose you've got till Boxing Day to work on it,
26:17but give it some thought, mate.
26:20Now, top of the page.
26:22Sir, sir, you know them dodgy carol singers we just nicked?
26:26Hey, vos, ye lovers!
26:29Hey, a pen!
26:30Very good, sir.
26:31Very intimidating.
26:34It's just that those iffy carol singers turned out to be the chief constable,
26:38the local MP, their wives and the Bishop of Gaspeth.
26:43Do you still want me to give them a going over, sir?
26:46Detective Inspector Grim, what the hell is going on?
26:49Seems to be a mistake, sir.
26:52We are on the trail of a vicious gang of brutal...
26:56Carol singers, sir.
26:58Carol singers, sir.
27:00I shall see you in my office, off to work on Boxing Day.
27:04Oh, dear, Inspector Grim.
27:06Looks like you're going to have to miss the pantomime.
27:08Still, it doesn't matter.
27:10I hear your understudy's much the better actor.
27:14Oh, I hate Christmas.
27:17I reckon Scrooge got it right with his bag of unbugs.
27:22Cray, with me.
27:28Kevin.
27:32So you think these are real in media, Kevin?
27:34Yes, I do.
27:35Don't you think they'd be a bit chilly at this time of year?
27:38I like undies that keep your bits covered and your bum warm.
27:42Honestly, what is it with you blokes and knickers tonight?
27:46If this is what Christmas does to you, I'm glad I don't bother with it.
27:52Yes, but did you like them?
27:55What was all that about?
27:58Not our business, Patricia. Not our business.
28:01Well, I've got a lot of lines to learn.
28:04I'll get my coat, shall I?
28:06And my present, you gorgeous, naughty, disgusting, dirty, filthy, sexy little Christmas reindeer.
28:14Of course, and as you so rightly point out, your present.
28:34Merry Christmas!