Who Deserves Respect? || Acharya Prashant (2022)

Acharya Prashant

~~~~~  Video Information: with BITS Hyderabad, 28.03.2022, Greater Noida, India  Context: ~ Is there difference in between Buddha's teaching and Vedanta? ~ What are Anatma and Aham? ~ What is maya in Buddha's teaching?  Music Credits: Milind Date  ~~~~~  #acharyaprashant #respect

Transcript

00:00My question was, we often hear the notion that we should respect elders. But when it

00:07comes to the elders, for example, in my family, every family has some sort of problems. And

00:13I get to know some things about them. After that, I don't feel like I should respect them

00:17because those actions weren't right. So if I don't respect them, the society hates me

00:23and I get scolding for that. But if I do respect them, I feel bad. So shouldn't we respect

00:29behavior instead of just respecting elders? And is the notion that we should always respect

00:35elders correct? What do you mean by respect, first thing? Like talking politely, talking

00:43properly. No, talking politely and talking properly is something you should anyway unconditionally

00:56do. Even if you are talking to a crime convict, you do not want to be particularly impolite,

01:08do you? So politeness and property, these are not things that are first of all dependent

01:25upon something else. And secondly, these are not very intimately connected to respect.

01:33What is respect? Respect is having a genuine appreciation inside me of that person. I feel…

01:45Valuing that person highly? Valuing that person highly, but after knowing

01:50So it's alright, it's alright. If you clearly see that a fellow has very little that can

01:59be highly valued, there is no compulsion at all to accord a high importance or high value

02:09to him or her. There is no need at all. We need to probably widen or deepen the question

02:19a little. Before I assess or value somebody, do I first of all know for myself what is

02:31valuable? Because you see, you too are demonstrating your value system when you say that if you

02:42do not respect people, elders in particular, then you are frowned at or looked down upon.

02:54So you are valuing something here. What are you valuing? You are valuing acceptance and

03:01you do not want to lose that acceptance, hence you are raising this question. Do you see

03:09what I am saying? You are saying there are people who do not deserve your respect, so

03:13you do not demonstrate respect. When you do not demonstrate respect, then a lot of people

03:19do not look at you favorably. They think you are some kind of a rascal or renegade and

03:28you do not like that, hence this question. Now you value the fact or the possibility

03:39that you need to be liked, accepted and loved. And when that love or acceptance is withdrawn

03:48by the others because they think that you are being disrespectful to elders, you do

03:53not like it. So here it is a demonstration of your own value system. What does your value

04:01system say? It is valuable, it is important to be liked and accepted by others. Otherwise,

04:12if you are just being true to your own independent honest assessment of people, then why do you

04:20need to worry about how the people will respond once you honestly demonstrate what you think

04:30of them? Are you getting it? Let us learn what is valuable in life and behaviors containing

04:44basic etiquette or politeness, courtesy. They should not be dependent on what a person's

04:58worth is, irrespective of the worth of a person. Just by the dent of being a human being, everybody

05:08deserves some consideration, basic politeness. So that I suppose you could grant unconditionally.

05:19But when it comes to other things in life, you must have a very, very solid standard

05:26of values, solid and universal, in the sense that there should be no double speak, no hypocrisy.

05:39The same yardstick you use to measure your own worth must be applied to others as well.

05:50You cannot hold yourself in high esteem and look down on others, if you and the others

05:58are fundamentally the same. What is worth valuing in life? Be it an elder, a younger

06:12one, a professor, a peon, doesn't matter. What is it that you want to value in life

06:22from what you have said, from your rebellious expression? There is one great thing I could

06:30gather. First of all, age is not the fundamental determinant of value. You cannot say somebody

06:41has age on his side, her side, therefore he deserves to be valued. It's not so arithmetical.

06:54Otherwise, at the age of 20, you just need to wait to let your age multiply and the day

07:04you become 60, you are already thrice as respectable. That sounds foolish, right? So,

07:13age cannot be a determinant. What else can be used to determine the worth of a person?

07:22It's usually the behaviour, the actions, how they interact with people, how they go

07:32about their life. Can we get deeper into that? For example, if there is a 20 year old person

07:46who works in NGOs, who does a lot for society, who has a really positive way of talking to

07:52everybody and is polite to me, I would respect him a lot. But we just said that politeness

08:01is something we must anyway unconditionally extend to everybody. So, politeness really

08:09cannot be a strong determinant. What can be a clear determinant or a set of determinants?

08:18How do we know somebody is actually respectable? He is kind and I think basic kindness. Kindness?

08:32So that's a good one, nice. See, the moment you start going deeper into it, you will fumble

08:39and struggle a little. So, that's alright. In fact, that's a good indicator that now

08:44you are probing something new. When you probe something new, then you cannot come up with

08:49quick ready-made answers. So, you will struggle a little and that is great. So, you said kindness.

08:57Kindness is a great thing. Some people also call it compassion, wonderful. So, you respect

09:05someone according to her depth of compassion and you look for that. And that is not always

09:14visible in behavioral patterns of the kind we are used to. Because you have used the

09:21term behavior three or four times, hence I am emphasizing. Compassion is something subtle.

09:30It sits in the heart. Behavior can be manipulated. You can design your behavior to make it look

09:41respectable, to make it look kind. But behavior that exudes a figure, a semblance of kindness

09:58need not actually be arising from a point of kindness. But we all know what kindness

10:05looks like. Therefore, it is easy to put on behavior that looks like kindness. So,

10:15you are on the money when you say that kindness is valuable. But you must also strive to know

10:23what real kindness is. And kindness is not always of the face that you see in the movies

10:36or in fiction or in general culture. In general, how do you spot a kind person?

10:47For example, if there is a dog on the road and he is hurt, so somebody is giving him

10:57biscuits or like taking him to the hospital if he is sick or helping people around them.

11:04Right, great. So, let's extend this example. So, this fellow picks up the dog, takes him

11:09to the example and the doctor says the dog is weak. The doctor is weak, the dog is weak.

11:15So, this fellow goes and gets fresh chicken to feed the dog. Now, what happened to your example?

11:26Yeah, I understood how like, understanding how a person is kind or not is a very broad thing.

11:37It's not that easy to judge a person. Right. So, behavior can be deceptive. Patterns can be put on.

11:48We as intelligent beings must take care not to be deceived by patterns and behaviors and such

11:56superficial things. Right. So, kindness is one thing. What else do you think is valuable in life?

12:07I am struggling to find something right now.

12:16But then you are very eager to take away respect from people, without knowing what is respectable.

12:26The context that I had behind the question was, for example, there is a person in my

12:31family who abused me as a child and now… So, now, now, now, now, may I, please. So,

12:37now here you already know what is not respectable. Yeah. What is not respectable? Like abusing

12:45someone and… Broaden that, broaden that, being exploitative. Yeah. So, you have someone

12:52in front of you who is not strong enough or developed enough to resist your gruesome advances

13:06and you are taking advantage of the kid's position, need not necessarily be a kid. Could be an animal,

13:16could be a grown-up, could be a 90-year-old disabled woman and doesn't want to take care of her,

13:27rather is seeking part of her, let's say, property. It's much the same thing, no?

13:35Being exploitative. So, being exploitative is not good. If someone is exploitative,

13:43we have no obligation to value that person highly.

13:50This is called having inner clarity. Otherwise, we all have just a haze of feelings.

14:00So, we roughly know, we vaguely know, but there is no clarity.

14:05So, now you have some clarity on that. If somebody is exploitative, I will not respect him,

14:15irrespective of his designation, age, relationship to me, whatever.

14:21Equally, if being exploitative is so disrespectful, what is it that deserves respect?

14:32What is the opposite of being exploitative?

14:38Being generous, being generous, being being large-hearted, being magnanimous,

14:49if I see someone of that kind, then I'll offer my unconditional respect.

14:58But the thing is tricky. Seeing kindness, I'm repeating, is not always simple because kindness

15:11will not always take the forms we are used to. Equally, exploitation will not always take the

15:20forms we are used to. The form that you are referring to is very obvious, very gross.

15:30A kid being exploited by an elder. Here, it is obvious what is happening. But then there are

15:37far more numerous and subtler, very hidden ways of being exploitative.

15:46And we don't even detect exploitation taking place.

15:51And so, we continue to offer kindness. We continue to offer kindness to others.

15:56And so, we continue to offer respect.

16:04So, to determine who is respectable, what is respectable, one needs to be attentive to life.

16:14Otherwise, your respect and disrespect will all come from a nebulous point within,

16:21a vague kind of feeling. You'll just feel this person is not good.

16:27And you'll say, oh, this is my intuition or my instinct. But that's no good. You need to have

16:32clarity, not intuition or instinct. Intuitions and instincts are for animals. They have nothing

16:39but instincts. As human beings, we need intelligence, not instincts. So, you need to

16:48think about these things. Before we close,

16:53maybe a couple of more examples of things or traits that are respect worthy.

17:04Some people who distribute stuff among young kids, the people who work in Anganwadis,

17:13the people who sponsor education for children who are not able to do that on their own,

17:20and people who help others with… Yes, you are very nicely covering that dimension,

17:29the dimension of kindness. Can we move a little to the other dimensions as well?

17:42I can't think of something.

17:52So, you have a batchmate who has come from a very remote and ill-served part of the country,

18:05from a disadvantaged section of the society. And he could still somehow clear the entrance exam and

18:14make it to your place, your campus. And then there is someone who is coming from a metro city,

18:23from a good, affluent, upper middle class family, had the benefits of all kinds of training and

18:32coaching and good food and vehicles and what not. You see what I am going towards?

18:47The difference between their lifestyle?

18:50Yes. So, what really is respectable? That's what I want to come to.

18:56I am a bit confused right now.

19:01The heart to strive against odds, for obviously a just cause, that is respectable. Not so much

19:19one's place in life, but the odds one conquered to come to that place.

19:31Are you getting it? Typically, students who come from these far-flung places do not belong very

19:41well to the campus. They remain on the margins because their culture is different.

19:59They do not get that much of acceptability and respect. Whereas, if you think clearly,

20:11those are the ones who deserve greater respect.

20:17Because fighting against challenges is something we must value. Do you agree?

20:25Yes, I definitely agree on that.

20:28Someone who gets things easily in life is alright. We have no bridges. But someone

20:35who fought his way against difficult odds to achieve something worthwhile

20:48is surely someone who deserves a salute. So, have an eye for that.

20:59And often it also happens that such students at least initially do not perform very well in the

21:04campus. So, if you just look at their performance, they will probably belong to the middle rungs or

21:13even to the lower strata of grades. But one of them having a CGPA of 6 or 6.5 is probably doing

21:29better than a Delhiite or Mumbiker having a CGPA of 8 or 9. How does it work in your campus? Is it

21:39CGPA percentage? It's CGPA. CGPA on a scale of 10. So, where you are is not always a very definite

21:53indicator. Just as we said that your behavior itself is not a very definite indicator. Similarly,

21:59your place too is not a very definite indicator. You have to see where the thing is coming from,

22:07be it the behavior or the person. Where is the person coming from?

22:10Now, coming from a point like that, if that person could perform this way,

22:15then I value this, I respect this. Then there is a word called conviction, being true to oneself.

22:33Being true to oneself. There is hardly anybody who does not know anything about life or there

22:47is hardly anybody who is totally wrong in his or her view of life. None of us are totally right

22:57either. But at least some measure of goodness we all have, the idea of goodness that is. We know

23:08what goodness is like and still we fail to live up to our own concept of goodness. We know what is

23:19right, we know what is valuable and yet we do not act as per our own standards. So, conviction,

23:31which is very intimate to integrity, is something very very valuable. Is this person living up to

23:43herself? We are not talking of standards set by others, we are talking of your own inner standards.

23:51Are you true to yourself? If you do not know a thing, it's probably alright, you are ignorant.

24:02But the problem with most people is not so much in their ignorance, it lies

24:10in their lack of integrity, hypocrisy. You know and yet you do not live that way.

24:21So, have an eye for that. See who is living his life as per his truth.

24:31I am not talking of the absolute truth here, I am talking of your own truth. There is nobody who has

24:38no concept, no personal concept of the truth. That personal concept is often flawed, I agree,

24:47but it does exist. It does exist and is very useful. It is useful because it helps you

24:53move beyond itself. But only if you first of all live up to your concept of truth.

25:00Most people do not do that. See that. See that and when you find it somewhere,

25:10do not hold yourself back. Then there is a thing called depth of love, which is sincerity.

25:20Being attracted towards something, somebody, some ideal, anything is one thing and remaining true to it

25:34over long periods against challenges is another thing.

25:40Now can you spot that and respect that?

25:48Then there is, yes, wonderful, then there is courage.

25:53Even if you know what is the right thing to do, there is always a price to pay

26:00and most people just do not have the integrity to pay the price.

26:08To pay the price, the audacity to give up on their established and comfortable patterns of life

26:24and where you find someone heartfully paying the price, respect that.

26:32It is no mean thing. It requires a lot and very few people live up to their love.

26:47Right? So these are the things, rather some of the things that are valuable and wherever you

26:54and wherever you find these, it is time to bow down, to get close and to learn.

27:05Of what use is respect if it just involves token behavior?

27:15You go to someone and say, oh, I respect you so much and you fold your hands or you offer obeisance,

27:22it does not mean much. The moment you say you respect something or somebody,

27:30it is then incumbent on you to first of all get close. If something is worthy enough,

27:38why are you still distant? Get close and learn. Get close to rise.

27:45If something is respectable, it is higher than you. If it is higher than you, use that thing to get higher.

27:57Right?

28:04Anything more you want to add to it?

28:08No, this actually gave me a lot of clarity. My concept of respect was quite short and

28:15broadened, so… I am glad.

28:19Thank you. Thank you.

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