A Teen-Ager’s Quest to Manage His O.C.D. in “Lost in My Mind”

The New Yorker

In Charles Frank’s short film, a young man offers a candid look at life with O.C.D. and his experiences with exposure therapy.

Transcript

00:00 [Music]

00:05 Where do I go when I'm this high?

00:08 Whoa, whoa, lost in my mind.

00:12 Where do I go when I'm this high?

00:15 Whoa, whoa, which way should I go?

00:19 [Beeping]

00:23 Where do I go when I'm this high?

00:26 Whoa, whoa, lost in my mind.

00:32 [Music]

00:45 I was so bad at singing.

00:48 I was terrible at singing when I first started.

00:51 Do you mind showing it to us?

00:52 No.

00:59 This is an artificial guitar.

01:02 I would like to learn the guitar, though.

01:06 That's something I probably will do on my OC to get better.

01:11 [Music]

01:21 I'm 17.

01:23 I've probably had OCD since I was like 9.

01:27 Like, I was scared of electricity a lot.

01:30 It's just like anything electric, it's just hard for me to use.

01:34 And I feel like if I touch it, it's going to zap me into like a different world.

01:42 Like I have this computer, and I have so many beats on and songs that I want to work on.

01:47 I want to turn it on, but it's like so hard for me to turn it on.

01:51 Like I was going through so much with this.

01:53 I wouldn't be eating.

01:55 I wouldn't be showering.

01:57 One time I like--I plugged it because I was switching computers because I couldn't use that one anymore.

02:04 And then I was just like, I can never plug it back in again.

02:09 Because if I plug it back in, all this stuff will happen.

02:13 And it will be a--I'll be stuck, and I'll literally have no way to get back.

02:19 And it's actually right there, that computer.

02:23 It's just been there for like 8 months, and I've just not moved it or touched it.

02:28 Because I feel like if I touch it, I'm going to get contaminated by it.

02:33 People don't understand OCD completely.

02:36 It's something that you can really kind of--well, you take the meds and you get over it, and maybe you work on it a bit.

02:42 But this infiltrates every bit of your life.

02:46 It gets into every fiber of your being, and it doesn't let go easy.

02:50 I would go in the shower at like 7 p.m., come out, it'd be 1 a.m.

02:58 I'd be like, where did the time go?

03:02 Say if I have to re-wash my hair, I'd have to re-wash it like 8 times.

03:07 Say if I had a bad thought doing it 8 times, I'd be like, I have to do another 3 times.

03:13 And then, oh no, I can't do 3 because 3's not a good number.

03:20 OCD's kind of like another person.

03:22 It's like another person that's just living in me, and just saying that I have to do stuff.

03:27 [music]

03:34 I spend a lot of time not fighting it.

03:38 Letting it control me.

03:43 It's so hard to do it, but you kind of have to.

03:46 You kind of have to be like, am I going to be like this?

03:51 Am I going to use all my power and defeat this bully?

03:57 [music]

04:17 [door opens]

04:24 [helicopter]

04:34 Anything happen to your number just immediately as I put my hand on the table?

04:41 Yeah, it's like a 6 now.

04:53 Any thoughts specifically about my hand? And the scissors?

04:58 Like, what if I try to cut off one of your fingers?

05:02 Yep, kind of what I would expect OCD to tell you.

05:10 It's important to know that there's a clinical difference between someone who has violent tendencies and wants to hurt people

05:17 and someone who has intrusive thoughts, you know, obsessive intrusive thoughts that just tell them that, you know,

05:24 you might hurt somebody or you probably want to hurt somebody or you're going to do bad things.

05:30 What if you open them up?

05:38 How's that?

05:40 It's doable, but it's an 8.

05:42 Okay. Can we sit with that for a couple minutes?

05:45 Yeah.

05:49 Hopefully I'll still have all five after a couple minutes.

05:55 [helicopter]

06:01 We know that their thoughts are just going to say, what if that's not true about me?

06:05 I'm the kid that they're wrong about and I really am a violent kid and I really am going to hurt somebody.

06:12 That's how obsessive thoughts work. They're not going to let someone off that easy.

06:18 We put kids like Manny in that situation to try to get him used to having a sharp object in his hands.

06:25 You know, push back on OCD and question those thoughts that he has all the time.

06:31 OCD and anxiety really, really want to take us out of this present moment and worry about things that either could happen,

06:38 that might happen in the future, that could have happened in the past.

06:42 What we're really practicing and doing exposures is working through that anxiety

06:46 and then re-centering our focus to like what's going on in the here and now, right?

06:51 So that we're not always just like in another world.

06:56 I remember not even talking to my family because I didn't know what world I was in.

07:04 It got to the point where I didn't want to get better really because I was like, there's nothing else I can do.

07:15 So that's the computer.

07:16 Right there. As you can tell, I haven't touched that in probably like six months.

07:24 And like literally the thought of it has literally paralyzed me.

07:29 Do you want me to pick it up?

07:31 I can do it.

07:33 I think I can.

07:35 It's probably dirty to be honest, but oh no, it's cracked.

07:41 So yeah.

07:44 This is just, um, that won't work anymore.

07:50 It might. It might.

07:54 I don't know. I think I probably, um, I think, you know what happened?

07:58 I think I was just having so much OCD when I was moving it and I just threw it.

08:04 Like I was just like not even focused on anything else.

08:06 And like my OCD was just like so bad.

08:08 So I just tossed it.

08:13 My big fear is me being alone.

08:17 Basically like I can just walk out in the living room and then my family, that's usually my family,

08:24 we have like blank faces, like literally their face is hollow.

08:30 It's like I don't want to be in a different place.

08:37 I just want to be with my right family.

08:44 If I don't try to take on the thing that scares me the most, it's going to be unknown forever.

08:51 And the only way for it to be known is to see if it happens or not.

09:09 Sounds good.

09:15 [Music]

09:20 [Music]

09:24 [Music]

09:29 [Music]

09:34 [Music]

09:39 [Music]

09:44 [Music]

09:49 [Music]

09:56 If I am some magical thing that can literally go through different worlds, so be it.

10:03 I'd be like, yeah, looks like I was right about my entire life.

10:13 You'll never know really what if.

10:17 You just have to kind of do it.

10:21 Even though it's so hard, but you just have to do it.

10:26 [Music]

10:39 But say if you do it and nothing happens, that's a win for you.

10:46 [Music]

11:04 Once I found music, it just made me feel like a whole new experience is open.

11:15 Once you find that thing that you really like doing, it just feels like there's nothing that can stop you from doing it.

11:25 And I just wanted to let you know that OCD is going to get better.

11:39 I'm actually so hyped.

11:44 Oh no, what's the password? Oh, it's Apple.

11:48 Wait, last login, Friday, May 14th, 2021.

11:54 Like almost a year ago.

11:59 And what is this?

12:13 [Music]

12:30 [Music]

12:40 [Music]

12:50 [Music]

13:00 [Music]

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