Worldies: 2023 National World awards

NationalWorld.com

After Channel 4's The Last Leg presented home secretary Suella Braverman with the "Dick of the Year" award, we thought we'd have a go at handing out some awards ourselves...

Transcript

00:00 This is Home Secretary Suella Brafman receiving her award from Channel 4's The Last Leg for 2023 Dick of the Year.

00:09 It's a fantastic moment and arguably the funniest thing to happen on telly all year.

00:14 That and the BBC middle finger lady.

00:16 But it gave us an idea. If Channel 4 could hand out random awards willy nilly, why can't we?

00:22 Instead of the usual boring prize givings, let's do categories that actually matter.

00:27 Categories people care about, like 'Why do you have to ruin everything you touch' of the year, 'Career Ender' of the year,

00:35 and our top gong, the Chris Martin 'Adventure of a Lifetime' award.

00:39 So welcome everybody to the 2023 Worldies.

00:42 The video that will get me either made redundant or cancelled.

00:46 Again.

00:47 A quick disclaimer before we start.

00:50 This is just a bit of fun.

00:52 It's a tool just to laugh.

00:54 Please don't take legal action or threaten us or take it seriously.

00:59 No one cares.

01:00 Our first prize is the Worldie for Best Actor.

01:04 The award that goes to the person we feel was the best this year at playing pretend.

01:09 There are several nominees for this category.

01:12 From Russell Brand pretending in September that everything was basically totally okay.

01:16 To Nella Rose pretending to be a total s*** in I'm a Celeb.

01:20 In fact, she was so good at it that she even tricked herself into believing it.

01:24 That's method acting right there.

01:26 Heath Ledger would be proud.

01:28 But the winner of the Worldie for Best Actor goes to Boris Johnson for his performance at the COVID inquiry.

01:35 Where he not only pretended to care about the people that died in the COVID-19 pandemic,

01:41 but also played dumb when he was asked how a mobile phone works.

01:45 Was it you, if that was a factory reset that was done, was it you that tried to reset the phone or not?

01:51 Factory reset.

01:53 Look at him go.

01:54 A man who is so good at playing pretend he managed to convince an entire f***ing country

01:59 to make him Prime Minister while playing the role of a moron.

02:02 Congratulations on your award, Mr Johnson.

02:05 I hope it makes you very happy.

02:07 Our next Worldie goes to the most business savvy man on the planet.

02:11 Country singer Luke Coombs has become a household name over the past couple of years

02:16 with a global stadium tour doing the absolute business.

02:21 He's making stacks and living his best life.

02:24 But some people are trying to leech off of it.

02:27 Lukeyboy has a company looking out for his copyrights

02:30 and they found a disabled woman in Florida making her own merch.

02:34 Parasite!

02:35 They went after her like a priest in a playground

02:38 and she was ordered to cough up an eye-watering £250,000.

02:43 Coombs has since very kindly removed the disabled Etsy woman from his lawsuit

02:48 and has sent her £11,000 of his own money.

02:52 He didn't even get a mug with his face on it or anything from her.

02:55 That is stonks.

02:56 And so the Worldie for Businessman of the Year goes to Luke Coombs.

03:01 If you ever want to send me $11,000 I will quite happily knit a scarf with your face on it.

03:06 We believe in gender equality here at National World, oh yes.

03:09 And so we've got a second prize here for Businesswoman of the Year.

03:13 We're not going to do Business Them of the Year

03:15 mainly because I want to see what Sam Smith looks like having an aneurysm.

03:18 Yeah, yeah, I'd love to be a fisherman.

03:20 What, like a fly fisherman?

03:22 I'd be any type of fisherman.

03:25 This Businesswoman of the Year has netted herself more cash this year

03:29 than some countries will see in the next century.

03:31 Sierra Leone is envious of her success,

03:34 selling out arenas across the world while becoming Time Magazine's Person of the Year.

03:39 But not only has Taylor Swift made a house shed load of cash for herself,

03:43 she's also propping up an entire sport on her shoulders.

03:47 Oh yeah, who needs Saudi investment funds that are propped up with blood money and traffic gold

03:52 when you can just date a footballer instead?

03:54 Look at this, the Kansas City Chiefs are kind of mid.

03:57 But they are selling out every single game at the moment

04:01 because Swifties are desperate, desperate to catch a glimpse of their queen in the stands.

04:07 She's been to like two games, mate.

04:09 Like, she doesn't know that you're there, she doesn't care.

04:12 But given that the NFL is a sport that pales in comparison to the likes of golf,

04:16 Formula One or even real football,

04:19 there is no doubt that Taylor Swift has made herself a shoe-in for Businesswoman of the Year.

04:25 [Music]

04:31 The next worldie is why do you have to ruin everything you touch of the year?

04:35 This goes to the person, or persons, that make everything they touch turn to sh*t.

04:41 Our runner-up for this category is Wael Sawan.

04:44 You might not know who he is, but you know of his company.

04:47 He is the CEO of Shell, the guys you go to for petrol and Jamie Oliver sandwiches.

04:52 That alone is bad enough, but he is also one of the scumbags who is keeping energy prices through the roof,

05:00 while also reporting record profits.

05:03 Billions of pounds are going into his pocket,

05:06 while 87-year-old Mavis, who lives down the road, is freezing to death

05:10 because she can't afford to put a f*cking heating on.

05:13 But the winner of why do you have to ruin everything you touch of the year is Just Stop Oil.

05:20 Now these guys, you definitely know who they are.

05:22 These are the bastards who are gluing themselves to the roads in London,

05:25 throwing paint over buildings and just generally pissing everyone off.

05:28 They threw soup, tomato soup, over Van Gogh's sunflowers painting.

05:33 Like what the f*ck did Van Gogh do to ruin the climate, you smooth-brained dent heads?

05:39 And sitting in the road, causing traffic jams.

05:41 Like how stupid do you have to be?

05:43 While you're sat there, everyone behind you has got their engines stuck on idle.

05:48 They are sat there, just burning petrol while you sit there in the road.

05:52 They might win this award, but what they haven't won are the hearts of the people.

05:57 Because something beautiful has been happening recently.

06:00 People are counter-protesting,

06:02 others are cleaning up the mess that these window lickers have left behind,

06:05 and some people are just straight up fighting back.

06:08 They tried pulling this stunt in Portsmouth,

06:10 where people get stabbed over a pint of Stella.

06:13 It just ended up getting run over, and getting the snot kicked out of them.

06:16 [Crying]

06:19 [Crying]

06:22 [Crying]

06:24 Let's lightning round the next few awards.

06:26 The worldy for the most boring royal of the year,

06:29 goes to the Princess of Wales for doing f*cking cool this year.

06:32 Still, must be said that's a marked improvement on some of her relatives.

06:36 Well done Kate.

06:37 Comeback of the year goes to Nigel Farage,

06:39 who pipped Jeremy Renner to the post by eating cow tits on national television.

06:44 Good on you Nigel.

06:45 The winner of strangest trend of the year,

06:47 goes to Jasper the Doll,

06:49 who took TikTok by storm by serving as nightmare fuel

06:52 for children who shouldn't even be on social media in the first place.

06:56 Our next worldy is the I declare bankruptcy of the year award.

07:00 I declare bankruptcy!

07:05 This award goes to the person who totally fumbled the bag.

07:09 Lost everything. You get nothing. You lose. Good day sir.

07:13 In second place we have footballer Romelu Lukaku,

07:16 who turned down a move to the Saudi pro league,

07:20 while everyone and their mum was being handed out multi-million pound contracts there.

07:24 Instead, he's still playing for Roma,

07:26 winning no trophies and probably regretting his life choices.

07:30 But the winner of the I declare bankruptcy of the year award,

07:33 goes to Dame Alison Rose.

07:36 The former NatWest boss totally screwed the pooch,

07:38 when she accidentally disclosed to a BBC journalist,

07:41 details of the closing of Nigel Farage's bank account.

07:45 Whoops!

07:46 She announced her resignation in July,

07:48 and awaited her £10 million final pay packet.

07:52 That's a lot of money for messing up right there Scrooge McDuck.

07:55 Instead, NatWest kicked her to the curb,

07:57 and only gave poor Alison a measly £2.4 million,

08:01 putting her on the breadline with the rest of us peasants.

08:05 See you at the food bank Alison.

08:07 I'll hand this award to you when I see you.

08:09 The next worldie is for Career Ender of the Year.

08:12 A prize for the person who went from hero to zero the quickest.

08:17 A speed run of getting cancelled if you will.

08:20 The runner up for this award is Nella Rose,

08:22 for going from well-liked YouTuber to insufferable a**hole on I'm a Celebrity.

08:26 Way to represent the millennial generation there Nella.

08:29 It's no wonder everyone hates us.

08:31 The winner of Career Ender of the Year 2023,

08:35 has to be Philip Schofield.

08:37 Oh yeah, that happened this year.

08:39 It's been a long 12 months.

08:41 After decades on our TV screens hosting the likes of Dancing on Ice,

08:45 The Cube, All Star Mr and Mrs,

08:47 after cementing himself as a national treasure,

08:50 after coming out as gay in an emotional TV interview,

08:53 Schofield decided it was time to crash and burn in record time.

08:57 Before leaving his wife in 2020,

08:59 Schofield was having an affair with a younger colleague who worked on This Morning.

09:03 He was 20 when the affair began, but the two first met when he was 15.

09:08 It all came to a head, Schofield resigned from This Morning,

09:12 and has hardly been heard of or seen since.

09:15 Who knows, maybe this award will be the start of him turning things around.

09:19 And now our final award for the 2023 worldies.

09:22 With how much of a car crash this video has been,

09:25 I don't expect this to happen again next year.

09:27 The final worldie is the Chris Martin Adventure of a Lifetime Award.

09:31 And we have several contenders.

09:34 In third place is Hawari Bin Hashim,

09:37 a deaf and mute Malaysian who decided to climb Mount Everest.

09:43 He's been missing since middle of May when he arrived at Camp 4,

09:48 and no trace of him has been found since.

09:51 I'm all for people with disabilities going out and trying something adventurous,

09:54 I think this might have been pushing the envelope.

09:57 Just a tad.

09:59 In second place we have a woman who we don't actually know the name of.

10:02 She's a 42 year old woman who fell overboard from the 10th deck of a Royal Caribbean cruise ship,

10:09 and lived to tell the tale.

10:11 That is hardcore as f*** by the way,

10:13 and she would have won if it wasn't for this final winner.

10:17 The winner of the Chris Martin Adventure of a Lifetime Award

10:21 is the crew of the Ocean Gate submarine.

10:24 You knew this was coming, don't tell me that you didn't.

10:27 The memes were going pretty hard when this happened.

10:29 Ocean Gate CEO Stockton Rush wanted to go and see the remains of the Titanic

10:34 in his very own submarine.

10:36 So he built one, and cut every single corner imaginable along the way.

10:41 He fired the people who questioned his design,

10:43 he used a Logitech gaming controller to steer his vessel,

10:46 and he made three passengers cough up £250,000 each for an 8 day expedition.

10:52 We all know what happened next.

10:54 Stockton and his merry band of morons,

10:56 plus one child who probably didn't even want to be there in the first place,

10:59 went underwater in a flimsy tin can,

11:02 the controller ran out of battery we presume,

11:05 and the vessel imploded, killing everyone inside.

11:08 Forget Adventure of a Lifetime Award,

11:10 Stockton Rush can also receive the award for Grade A c*** of the year while we're at it.

11:15 So there we have it, 11 awards,

11:17 basically all going to people who don't deserve to win one.

11:20 Will 2024 be any better? Probably not.

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