Pigs Is Pigs (1954)

Fun Forever

11/13/2023

Transcript

00:00 [no audio]

00:04 [music]

00:08 [music]

00:12 [THEME MUSIC]

00:15 [THEME MUSIC]

00:18 [THEME MUSIC]

00:47 In the West Coast Railway Station in the year 1905,

00:51 the agent there was Flannery, the best there was alive.

00:56 Flannery ran his station exactly by the rule.

01:00 He tried to learn each one by heart,

01:02 just like a kid in school.

01:04 There were rules for each occasion that

01:06 applied from tools to mules.

01:09 There were rules about behavior and rules defining rules.

01:12 [CLATTERING]

01:14 [HORN BLOWING]

01:17 [THUD]

01:20 Ah, two guinea pigs.

01:22 Hm.

01:24 You sure don't look like pigs to me.

01:26 But the writing's plain to see.

01:29 It says you are, and there's no doubt

01:31 that pigs is what you be.

01:33 [THEME MUSIC]

01:36 Whenever a customer chance to call,

01:40 Flannery let him try until he could look up the rule

01:44 to greet the fellow by.

01:46 [CLEARING THROAT]

01:47 Oh, let's see.

01:49 Oh, yes.

01:50 Good morning to you, says section two.

01:52 And don't forget to smile.

01:55 Morning it was.

01:56 I'll have you knew I've been standing here a while.

01:59 I'm supposed to say, I'm sorry, sir.

02:02 It says in ruling three.

02:04 Dry your tears and save your sneers.

02:06 Have your box of pits for me.

02:07 Indeed I have.

02:09 [THEME MUSIC]

02:10 Two guinea pigs.

02:11 See pigs, page 43.

02:15 According to the book of rules, your pets are pigs, you see.

02:21 Pigs, $0.48.

02:23 Pets, $0.44.

02:25 What?

02:26 Guinea pigs ain't pigs.

02:27 They're pets.

02:28 And I'm paying $0.44.

02:30 Pigs is pigs at $0.48.

02:32 And rules is rules, what's more.

02:34 Fools is fools, you stubborn fool.

02:36 Will you not take $0.44?

02:38 The regular rate is $0.48.

02:42 Very well then.

02:44 You take the high rate, and I'll take the lower rate.

02:48 And I'll not pay you over $0.44.

02:52 Whenever an agent gets in a debate,

02:54 and there is an argument over the rate,

02:57 the agent must fire for a ruling of I,

02:59 and hold on to the package until they reply.

03:02 Hold them then and harm them not.

03:05 And when you find you're wrong, deliver them to my address.

03:09 Help me, hail Armstrong.

03:11 Then Flannery sat down and sent a telegram away,

03:18 never dreaming he'd regret it until his dying day.

03:21 Supervisor's office, big town on the drive.

03:27 Flannery to Morgan, May 6, 1905.

03:30 Holding two animals in a crate.

03:32 Big dispute regarding rate.

03:34 Is a guinea pig a pig or pet?

03:36 Give ruling on the rate to set.

03:38 Flannery.

03:40 The supervisor's office was the pride of the company.

03:43 It received old Flannery's telegram

03:44 with trained efficiency.

03:47 They examined the wire and immediately dated it,

03:50 stamped the receipts, and then communicated it

03:52 to the department.

03:53 They quadruplicated it.

03:54 Copies were sent out to all of the staff.

03:57 Each copy received was filed and related to copies of copies,

04:00 then checked and notated.

04:01 Nine copies of each were then validated

04:04 and contents were noted in ink on a graph.

04:06 A cabbage a day keeps the doctor away.

04:12 Now, both of you need a name.

04:15 I'll call one of you Pat, and let me see--

04:19 Mike, I'll name the other.

04:21 But he quickly changed it to Marie,

04:25 when Mike became a monk.

04:27 The saints be praised.

04:29 Now, ain't that fine?

04:32 I'm a family man meself.

04:33 [SCATTING]

04:36 The guard's last wire of mine.

04:48 Instead of just two guinea pigs, I now am all to nine.

04:54 The legal department was then delegated

04:56 to study the problem now so complicated,

04:58 when all of the data was accumulated to make a report

05:01 and to tell what they know.

05:02 The president wanted a full explanation,

05:04 as well as an overall clarification of Flannery's

05:07 wire that wanted to know if a pig was a pig,

05:10 and to please tell him so.

05:12 Now, the grandchild of the first two pigs

05:14 had grandsons by the dozens.

05:16 And every time the clock would strike,

05:18 there were 50 brand new cousins.

05:20 [SCREAMING]

05:23 [MUSIC PLAYING]

05:26 The board of directors convened and debated

05:33 the question of pigs, and were they

05:34 related to pigs or to rabbits, as once indicated by evidence

05:37 found by the fact-finding staff?

05:40 A boy in the office had first advocated it,

05:42 then a zoology professor dictated it.

05:44 Here is the answer, and here's how he stated it.

05:48 I reiterate on the company's behalf,

05:51 the guinea pig is the cavia aporoia,

05:55 while the common pig is the genus

05:57 sus of the family Suidae.

06:00 They are not pigs.

06:02 A 44 cent rate applaud.

06:03 [MUSIC PLAYING]

06:06 10 copies were sent to the filing clerk

06:10 and 10 to O'Shaughnessy.

06:12 Then 20 more in triplicate were sent on to McGee.

06:15 McGee will make 1,000 more for all the clerks

06:18 to see, for the janitor, and the auditor,

06:20 and the rest of the company.

06:22 100 were sent to the engineers, and the firemen each got four.

06:26 The section hands got three apiece,

06:27 and the hobos 20 more.

06:29 With monotonous regularity, those pigs

06:34 produced more pigs, while Flannery

06:35 tried to stem the tide by playing them Irish chigs.

06:39 [MUSIC PLAYING]

06:42 [MUMBLING]

06:45 Regarding the McMore house pigs,

07:08 the 44 cent rate applies.

07:09 Signed, Morgan.

07:10 [MUSIC PLAYING]

07:14 When Flannery got the telegram, straight down the road

07:18 he tore to take the news to McMore house.

07:20 But--

07:21 McMore house doesn't live here anymore.

07:24 [LAUGHTER]

07:27 Then Flannery wired the office.

07:29 Tell me quick, what do I do?

07:32 There is no rule to cover the case, so now it's up to you.

07:37 Not me.

07:38 CPP.

07:39 C Joe.

07:40 C Jack.

07:40 C Larry.

07:41 C Tom.

07:41 C Dick.

07:42 C Harry.

07:43 Then a clever young clerk made a recommendation,

07:45 the pigs should be sent to the main office station.

07:47 He never did know of the multiplication of two pigs

07:49 that grew to a million and two.

07:50 [MUSIC PLAYING]

07:52 Flannery loaded the pigs in crates, in boxes, bags,

07:56 and sacks.

07:56 He filled 600 boxcars up, according to the facts.

08:03 After loading all the pigs but two, and looking weak and one,

08:08 Flannery turned to the pigs and said, you've begot and begot.

08:14 Now, begone.

08:15 [MUSIC PLAYING]

08:18 They unloaded the cars at the main office station

08:29 and filled up the warehouse.

08:30 And in desperation, they stored away

08:31 pigs in the whole corporation.

08:33 The president shouted until he was hoarse.

08:34 [SOBBING]

08:37 Three officials submitted a signed resignation,

08:39 complaining of pigs in the organization.

08:41 The president demanded an investigation

08:43 of Flannery, pigs, and the whole office force.

08:45 [TICKING]

08:47 Dear President, 'tis not so bad as it seemed to be once.

08:54 What if all those million guinea pigs had all been elephants?

09:00 [LAUGHING]

09:03 [MUSIC PLAYING]

09:06 Boo!

09:08 [YELLING]

09:11 [HORN HONKING]

09:13 [CROWD APPLAUDING]

09:16 From that day forward, Flannery swore--

09:19 No more will I be a fool.

09:22 Whenever it comes to livestock, ask every single rule.

09:26 If the animals come in singles or if they come in sets,

09:29 if they've got four feet and they're alive,

09:32 they'll be classified as pets.

09:35 [MUSIC PLAYING]

09:38 [MUSIC PLAYING]

09:42 [MUSIC PLAYING]

09:45 you

09:47 [BLANK_AUDIO]

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