"I have survivor's guilt after my husband died of cancer while I was undergoing chemo"
- 11 months ago
A widow says she has "survivor's guilt" after her husband died of cancer while she was undergoing chemotherapy which helped save her life.
Shona Maclaren, 34, was diagnosed with cervical cancer after bleeding which she said doctors dismissed as postpartum symptoms.
But as she underwent treatment, husband William, 41, was diagnosed with advanced stage four bowel cancer.
And just nine days later he died in a hospice on what would have been Shona's last chemotherapy session of her first of two stretches of the treatment.
William had been suffering abdominal pain and inflammation, but thought it was due to his pre-existing ulcerative colitis.
But a test just days before he died revealed he actually also had bowel cancer.
Mum Shona is now in remission and survivor’s guilt about why she was “picked” to survive - and worried about what she'll tell her kids Thea, six, and Mason, two.
Accountant Shona, from Stevenson, Ayrshire, Scotland, said: "He was in and out of consciousness and I talked to him that whole day he died.
“I don't know if he heard me. I hope he did because I hadn’t had a chance to tell him that my treatment was working.
“This is where the survivor's guilt comes in. I can't sit here and tell you ‘oh my treatment is working, but you’re dying.’
“It’s heart-breaking and I don’t think that it will ever not be heart-breaking.
“When Thea and Mason get older it's going to be tough to try and explain, ‘why did Mummy live and Daddy die?’ - and I'll never be able to answer that.
“Nobody saw this happening as fast as it did.
"That’s just one thing you’re never guaranteed is time. It angers me that I got a chance to fight and he never even got a chance to start.”
Shona’s first symptoms were abnormal vaginal bleeding in the form of blood clots when she had been going to the toilet, and she became anaemic.
She believes her symptoms were “downplayed” by doctors due to being five months postpartum.
“I had high blood pressure during my pregnancy so I contacted my doctor and one of the things that I asked him was, ‘Is this normal?’ - because I didn't have this with my first born," she said.
“He said 'that will just be your body normalising after birth'.
“I was on the phone with the doctor and I remember it so vividly, there was blood just pouring out of me.
“I was shouting down the phone saying: ‘If I was a man and I was bleeding this much you would be doing something about it - this is not normal!”
She had a colposcopy and a biopsy, and two weeks later was diagnosed with stage 2B cervical cancer, on May 20, 2022.
She began chemotherapy on June 30 2022 and William and Thea supported her by shaving off her hair.
“The first day at chemo was really emotional - going in and being the youngest person in the ward," she said.
“It still didn't feel real. I just burst into tears when they started. For all the nurses it's something they deal with all day everyday.
“l was very much in denial all the time.
Shona Maclaren, 34, was diagnosed with cervical cancer after bleeding which she said doctors dismissed as postpartum symptoms.
But as she underwent treatment, husband William, 41, was diagnosed with advanced stage four bowel cancer.
And just nine days later he died in a hospice on what would have been Shona's last chemotherapy session of her first of two stretches of the treatment.
William had been suffering abdominal pain and inflammation, but thought it was due to his pre-existing ulcerative colitis.
But a test just days before he died revealed he actually also had bowel cancer.
Mum Shona is now in remission and survivor’s guilt about why she was “picked” to survive - and worried about what she'll tell her kids Thea, six, and Mason, two.
Accountant Shona, from Stevenson, Ayrshire, Scotland, said: "He was in and out of consciousness and I talked to him that whole day he died.
“I don't know if he heard me. I hope he did because I hadn’t had a chance to tell him that my treatment was working.
“This is where the survivor's guilt comes in. I can't sit here and tell you ‘oh my treatment is working, but you’re dying.’
“It’s heart-breaking and I don’t think that it will ever not be heart-breaking.
“When Thea and Mason get older it's going to be tough to try and explain, ‘why did Mummy live and Daddy die?’ - and I'll never be able to answer that.
“Nobody saw this happening as fast as it did.
"That’s just one thing you’re never guaranteed is time. It angers me that I got a chance to fight and he never even got a chance to start.”
Shona’s first symptoms were abnormal vaginal bleeding in the form of blood clots when she had been going to the toilet, and she became anaemic.
She believes her symptoms were “downplayed” by doctors due to being five months postpartum.
“I had high blood pressure during my pregnancy so I contacted my doctor and one of the things that I asked him was, ‘Is this normal?’ - because I didn't have this with my first born," she said.
“He said 'that will just be your body normalising after birth'.
“I was on the phone with the doctor and I remember it so vividly, there was blood just pouring out of me.
“I was shouting down the phone saying: ‘If I was a man and I was bleeding this much you would be doing something about it - this is not normal!”
She had a colposcopy and a biopsy, and two weeks later was diagnosed with stage 2B cervical cancer, on May 20, 2022.
She began chemotherapy on June 30 2022 and William and Thea supported her by shaving off her hair.
“The first day at chemo was really emotional - going in and being the youngest person in the ward," she said.
“It still didn't feel real. I just burst into tears when they started. For all the nurses it's something they deal with all day everyday.
“l was very much in denial all the time.