Alyaa Gad - Resolving Marital Conflicts
- 5 years ago
5 Steps for Resolving Marital Conflicts
There is no way to avoid conflict in your marriage. The question is: How will you deal with it?
We have had our share of conflict and some of our disagreements have not been pretty.
Two selfish people with different backgrounds and personalities. Now add some bad ha-bits and a bunch of expectations, and you are bound to have conflict. It’s unavoidable.
Since every marriage has its tensions, it isn’t a question of avoiding them but of how you deal with them. Conflict can lead to a process that develops oneness or isolation. You and your spouse must choose how you will act when conflict occurs.
Step One: Knowing, accept, and adjust to your differences.
It’s important to understand the differences, and then to accept and adjust to them. re-member that you can't change the person, but you can meet half way.
Step Two: Be less selfish.
Consider that you are different and the you love each other, and love means that you should not be selfish.
Step Three: Be fair and logical.
• Check your motivation. Will your words help or hurt? Will bringing this up cause healing, wholeness, and oneness, or further isolation?
• Check your attitude. Loving confrontation says, “I care about you. I respect you and I want you to respect me. I want to know how you feel.” Don’t hop on your bulldozer and run your spouse down. Approach your spouse lovingly.
• Check the circumstances. This includes timing, location, and setting. Don’t con-front your spouse, for example, when he is tired from a hard day’s work, or in the middle of settling a squabble between the children. Also, never criticize, make fun of, or argue with your spouse in public.
• Check to see what other pressures may be present. Be sensitive to where your spouse is coming from. What’s the context of your spouse’s life right now? Is he healthy? Does he have trouble at work? A traumatic life experience?
• Listen to your spouse. Seek to understand his or her view, and ask questions to clarify viewpoints.
• During the discussion, stick to one issue at a time. Don’t bring up several. Don’t save up a series of complaints and let your spouse have them all at once.
• Focus on the problem, rather than the person. For example, you need a budget and your spouse is shopaholic. Work together through plans for finances
• Focus on behavior rather than character. This is the “you” message versus the “I” message again. You can assassinate your spouse’s character and stab him right to the heart with “you” messages like, “You’re always late—you don’t care about me at all; you don’t care about anyone but yourself.” The “I” message would say, “I feel frustrated when you don’t let me know you’ll be late. I would appreciate if you would call so we can make other plans.”
• Focus on the facts rather than judging motives. If your spouse forgets to make an important call, deal with the consequences of what you both have to do next rather than say, “You’re so careless; you just do things to irritate me.”
• Above all, focus on understanding your spouse rather than on who is winning or losing. When your spouse confronts you, listen carefully to what is said and what isn’t said. For example, it may be that he is upset about something that happened at work and you’re getting nothing more than the brunt of that pressure.
Step Four: Be forgiving
Step Five: Avoid hurting feelings.
Avond insults. Never call your spouse names, or harm him/her physically.
All the best!
Subscribe to official Alyaa Gad channel : http://bit.ly/AlyaaGad
Follow Alyaa Gad :
http://www.afham.tv
https://www.facebook.com/dr.AlyaaGad
https://twitter.com/AlyaaGad
There is no way to avoid conflict in your marriage. The question is: How will you deal with it?
We have had our share of conflict and some of our disagreements have not been pretty.
Two selfish people with different backgrounds and personalities. Now add some bad ha-bits and a bunch of expectations, and you are bound to have conflict. It’s unavoidable.
Since every marriage has its tensions, it isn’t a question of avoiding them but of how you deal with them. Conflict can lead to a process that develops oneness or isolation. You and your spouse must choose how you will act when conflict occurs.
Step One: Knowing, accept, and adjust to your differences.
It’s important to understand the differences, and then to accept and adjust to them. re-member that you can't change the person, but you can meet half way.
Step Two: Be less selfish.
Consider that you are different and the you love each other, and love means that you should not be selfish.
Step Three: Be fair and logical.
• Check your motivation. Will your words help or hurt? Will bringing this up cause healing, wholeness, and oneness, or further isolation?
• Check your attitude. Loving confrontation says, “I care about you. I respect you and I want you to respect me. I want to know how you feel.” Don’t hop on your bulldozer and run your spouse down. Approach your spouse lovingly.
• Check the circumstances. This includes timing, location, and setting. Don’t con-front your spouse, for example, when he is tired from a hard day’s work, or in the middle of settling a squabble between the children. Also, never criticize, make fun of, or argue with your spouse in public.
• Check to see what other pressures may be present. Be sensitive to where your spouse is coming from. What’s the context of your spouse’s life right now? Is he healthy? Does he have trouble at work? A traumatic life experience?
• Listen to your spouse. Seek to understand his or her view, and ask questions to clarify viewpoints.
• During the discussion, stick to one issue at a time. Don’t bring up several. Don’t save up a series of complaints and let your spouse have them all at once.
• Focus on the problem, rather than the person. For example, you need a budget and your spouse is shopaholic. Work together through plans for finances
• Focus on behavior rather than character. This is the “you” message versus the “I” message again. You can assassinate your spouse’s character and stab him right to the heart with “you” messages like, “You’re always late—you don’t care about me at all; you don’t care about anyone but yourself.” The “I” message would say, “I feel frustrated when you don’t let me know you’ll be late. I would appreciate if you would call so we can make other plans.”
• Focus on the facts rather than judging motives. If your spouse forgets to make an important call, deal with the consequences of what you both have to do next rather than say, “You’re so careless; you just do things to irritate me.”
• Above all, focus on understanding your spouse rather than on who is winning or losing. When your spouse confronts you, listen carefully to what is said and what isn’t said. For example, it may be that he is upset about something that happened at work and you’re getting nothing more than the brunt of that pressure.
Step Four: Be forgiving
Step Five: Avoid hurting feelings.
Avond insults. Never call your spouse names, or harm him/her physically.
All the best!
Subscribe to official Alyaa Gad channel : http://bit.ly/AlyaaGad
Follow Alyaa Gad :
http://www.afham.tv
https://www.facebook.com/dr.AlyaaGad
https://twitter.com/AlyaaGad